Being Alive

I didn’t know what time it is, but it is night; the darkest part of the night I suppose. A deadly silence prevails ubiquitously with a few hums here and there, but the kingdom of silence remains intact. I look up and see the fan moving with all its speed, as if trying to grab me like the claws of some monster. I am scared. I want to scream, but I know there is no point. No matter how loud I scream, I can never escape death, standing tall in front of me. The clock on the table is ticking away as if trying to tell that my time here is limited. I am no saint or divine person to know the exact time of my death, but I know this disease is dragging me to closer to the end. Even doctors are not able say how much time is left. This fear of death is worse than death itself.

I wonder why I have to die, and die so young. I am just 22. I have not seen the world as yet, forget about doing something worthwhile for it. Some wise people say that life is an opportunity given by God, but what is the value of an opportunity that does not last long.

I wish I could do something worthwhile with my life. I feel like a loser. Neither was I able to do any good for my family or make them proud nor was I any good with the woman I love. Now, it is too late for anything. I am on my death bed, I am weak. My ability to do anything of be of help to anybody is limited. I can’t even go to Mrinali and tell her,” I am sorry for everything, but I do love you. During my last few days I always think of you. I never wished to disturb or hurt you.” I know she will not listen to me and run to her house. I will be left standing there waiting for her to return.

I still remember the day when I saw Mrinali for first time in college. It was love at first sight. I was thrilled to find out she lived across the lane. I wanted to befriend her, propose my love to her. But alas! Everything does not happen as we wish it would, does it? She snubbed me for a reason still unknown. She looked angry and I was very sad. I am sad even now.

My parents don’t know about Mrinali. I have not told them and also taken care so that they never get to know about it. They know Mrinali, as she lives in our neighbourhood. They will feel bad if they get to know their son was snubbed by a girl. Their heads will go down in shame and guilt due to me. I have not done anything praiseworthy so I better now leave them with any disgrace. They might be already ashamed of my deeds and my performance in college. I think they don’t love me as they used to. Who loves a loser anyways?

They are here beside my bed. They look worried. They will mourn my death, but they will be happy as they will not have me to make them feel ashamed.

I remember my days as a child, when I was a school boy. Those are my best memories with my friends, parents, relatives. All those happy times I have spent with them will always be cherished. My parents were very proud of me when I was child.

As I grew up, my deeds made them feel ashamed. I know they don’t love me now like they used to and I deserve it. Everyone will miss me but only for few days or weeks. Thereafter, all that will remain is a framed me. It’s the rule of this world, out of sight becomes out of mind. However, I will miss them forever. May be that’s why I fear death so much.

I don’t know what I am actually afraid of – being dead or missing being alive?

I don’t remember when I fell asleep last night, but it is already morning and the nurse is checking my test reports. She tells me about a 4-year-old boy and an unborn child who died in the hospital.

This news got me thinking. The whole of last night I was wondering how unlucky I was, a loser in life. But, as compared to them I seem to be lucky to have seen so much of this world. The baby who died before his birth did not even see the world with his eyes nor was he able to feel the parental love. They don’t even know what it was like to be alive. As compared to them I am surely blessed.

It might just a change in perspective, but I knew I was lucky enough to get good memories with my loved ones which made my life valuable. I felt the touch of love due to Mrinali and the feel of life because of god. I am at peace with myself, my god and my life.

I was feeling very light and positive. Possibly the sunlight and the brightness of the day worked wonders. Yet, I am weak, so weak that I cannot even open my eyes. I feel like falling in a bottom less pit.

Is my time up? I don’t know how it feels when death comes to you. Some people say it’s painful, very painful, some say it brings peace from the never ending race of this material world. I don’t know how I am going to feel. I have not experienced death yet. I can hear the voices of my parents calling the doctor. Suddenly it is totally blank.

Am I dead now?!

No, I am unconscious. I regain my consciousness after some time (I don’t know after how much time). I open my eyes. My parents are standing near the bed. They look sad. My mother is looking away from me. I know she is trying to hide her tears from me. My father sits on the bed beside me. He places his hand on my forehead and says,” I am very lucky to have a son like you. I love you. I don’t want to lose you. Just stay with us.” His voice is breaking. Tears are rolling down his cheeks. This is the first time I see my father crying.

I realized that I was wrong all the time. They still loved me.

Then came someone else. I couldn’t imagine this might happen. Mrinali had come to hospital to see me! My happiness knew no bounds.  Was this real or was I hallucinating? But it seemed real. She was sad! I could see her beautiful face withered by the grief. She came towards me and sat on the chair placed near my bed. She sat for long time. I wanted to hear something from her. After few minutes she spoke, breaking the silence in her sweet and charming voice,” I wish you to be alright again.” This one sentence made me speechless. I couldn’t utter a single word.

I felt loved, I felt happy. I had a new enthusiasm within me. By the love of my parents, friends and Mrinali my regrets and fears disappeared. I don’t fear death now, not at all, because death can’t conquer their love.

Yet, there lies a small wish in a corner of my heart, to live, to be amongst them, to enjoy their love and togetherness.

I wish to love, I wish to give, and I wish to live.