I do not love him anymore

“I love you,” he said before leaving.

I stood motionless, quietly watching the pain in his eyes, clueless as to why he would visit me every day. “Who is he?” I wondered.

They said I was suffering from amnesia, But how could I not remember that I loved him.

Tanya entered the room as he walked out. He greeted her, his eyes pinning her, brimming with questions and hope. Tanya patted his 

shoulder, saying something that made him smile. He left.

Tanya walked to me, ready to ask me the same questions she had been asking me every day. I don’t know why I felt uncomfortable with those questions? 

Everything was same as yesterday and yesterday was identical to the day before yesterday.

“Close your eyes.”

“We are going to find an incident in your life you have recorded in your memory.”

 “Locate an incident that you feel comfortable about. Live that incident and share with me as you go 

along.”

I see myself walking through a purple field, almost as if in a beautiful dream. The child next to me calls out to her Mother.

“Golden Red Fields,” I mumble.

“You see here what you want to see. Is it heaven?” Tanya softly asks me.

“I can see a door with no walls around. Everyone is walking in through the door,” I wonder.

“What do you hear and what colour are your clothes?”

“I don’t hear anything. It’s annoyingly silent. I see a vague image of myself.”

“Go back to the beginning and go over it. Pick up whatever additional data you can.”

“I see nothing now, nothing at all.”

In a fraction of a second, everything vanished. I was close to feeling blind. Nervous, I asked Tanya to leave me alone as I struggled for answers.

Who was that man visiting me daily? Why that particular dream? With thoughts chasing each other my tired mind slipped into a slumber.

I woke up to a beautiful morning. As Tanya came to meet me, I apologised and expressed my gratitude as we started another session. I closed my eyes and saw a beautiful beach house.

“It’s a beautiful sunny day. We are going somewhere, may be for a long drive. Everything looks great. My life feels perfect, filled with happiness, joy and satisfaction. He is sitting next to me, driving,” I smile.

 “Who is he? Do you remember his name?”

“He is my husband. We met months ago, fell in love and decided to marry.”

Suddenly, I start sweating; anxiety fills me as I see him talking to me. “I never loved you. I married you for the green card. You were my last hope. I have been trying to tell you everything since some time but I failed. But I cannot carry this relationship forward anymore. The lie haunts me.”

I was numb. Staring vacantly at the road, I was speechless. Till I saw a truck speeding towards us.

Tanya consoled me but I could see the joy in her eyes, having helped me remember. “Hope is a funny thing. Dangerous actually. When you count on hope, you realize that it never mattered,” I wondered aloud.

He came to meet me, tears of happiness in my eyes. Clutching me close to him, he said, “Forgive me for everything I did to you. I promise, we shall live happily after this.”

But I am not ready for a relationship now. Not ready for love. There are still some memories, hazy but potent enough to change my life yet again. And then again, he is not the one.

“He is not my husband Tanya!” I said with force. “He is not the man in my memories. He is a stranger!”

But, if I could love a wrong man so much, can I not love the man who loves me?