Illusions

I was leaning on railing of the only balcony in my flat. It was raining and like a child, I had my neck stretched out to feel the raindrops on my face. Rain always made me happy. Tired of trying to feel the little drops, I lowered my gaze onto the road and I saw him. I blinked and rubbed my eyes but the figure remained. I clutched the railing tightly with my hand and leaned to get a clear view, but it was raining hard. “Stupid rain!” I cursed. Even the railing was slipping from my hand and in another blink of the eye, he disappeared.

“Arghhh… it is always like this, chuck it!” The urge for hot coffee took me to kitchen. I thought of preparing some for myself but just could not find my favourite black mug in all the mess. “This place needs cleaning,” I thought to myself. Drinking coffee in another mug was like cheating on my love. Feeling sad and deprived of caffeine, I plonked myself comfortably in a corner, resting against the wall. I was going insane, I could feel that. Talking to myself, not sleeping, craving for ten mugs of coffee in a day, losing appetite, forgetting things and now seeing him everywhere. My thoughts wandered in his direction again.

I tried hard to recall the evening that changed everything. We were great together, we used to have so much fun in each other’s company, we hardly fought, and the sex was beyond words. That evening was no different. After a long session of lovemaking, we were fighting over what to order to satisfy our rumbling stomachs. I remember him finally agreeing for cheese pizza and going out of the room to get his mobile. I remember going in the kitchen to make some coffee.

And that is the exact moment after which it is all hazy. I think I heard a loud blast and I think I saw fire. I remember falling down on the blown up floor shouting out his name for help. I hate to think that I remember far too clearly, that I saw him run outside without looking back. Was it a blast or a fire I don’t know but what I hate to know is that the man I love ran out on me when I was probably dying? I lost my will to live after that moment. Strange thing is that I am still in this apartment which is torn down to pieces and has no privacy left, people keep coming in and going out probably investigating the blast or fire, or whatever it was. However, I am still waiting for him to return; I just can’t make peace with the fact that he abandoned me. Sometimes, I like to think that he ran out to get help and would stop at nothing to get me safely out of the debris.

But I remember nobody came to my rescue. I was unconscious for a long time and six days have passed since I woke up. This whole place was blown away but I am confused how I survived. I see everything around me perfectly but I am confused why I am not able to touch anything. I can see other people talking around me but I am confused why they can’t see me. I feel all the humanly feelings of love, hate, and pain but I am confused if I am alive or dead and if I really am alive, am I awake?