The Hate Letter

Dear…

Must be surprised…

A hate letter, what’s a hate letter? 

Can’t call this a love letter, as the outpourings are not out of love. They are from a heart deeply hurt as it never bothered to listen to its sibling, the brain.

Since the beginning the brain knew that this was not the right thing, not the right person and not the right way to start a relationship. Who in this world and right frame of mind has seen a relationship beginning with tears? But our relationship started with tears, in fact a bucket full of tears. I think this salty trick of the eyes touched some part of your brain – the part which had some empathy and sympathy stored. I know how much you would hate to acknowledge this, but I am sure, as you were a prime example of the genus Homo sapiens, some of these faults of our race were surely within you by default.

So there we were, together... yes, together in a twisted way for five years. Five years of bitter fight between the brain and the heart, unfortunately the fight was always one sided, as the smarter sibling, the brain always lost. Be it the day you accused me of cheating on you, just because I had requested a colleague of mine to drop me home at 9 in the night, while you were busy smelling the fragrance of the new Brazilian intern. Or the day when I was sitting in front of your parents and your father said that the very first day he had seen me, he had told you while I am a good girl, you should never fall in love with me. We can never be together because you are a Tam Braham and I am a Panju (till that day I had thought that the classification in the animal kingdom was restricted to vertebrae and non vertebrae and I, being from the genus homo-sapiens was a vertebrae, so this classification was new to me). If we decide to be together, his and your mom’s heart would skip many beats and might even get tired of the skipping exercise and go for a long sleep. My eyes again experimented with the salty trick, but your stock for empathy and sympathy had not been replenished.

If the smarter sibling had won that day, one more year of pain could have been avoided, but the sibling was not strong enough. Somewhere the heart kept on comforting him by convincing him that nothing had happened, that it was just a bad dream and soon everything would be fine. To prove his point the heart forced me to take up the assignment in the city you had moved to.

I know you don’t know the meaning of fear – but I fail to understand what was it when you tried to dissuade me from moving to your city, was it my assignment which was just pushing me two notches above you, or was it the knowledge that I would be entitled to a company-owned house whereas you were trying to manage in a shared rented accommodation in one of the suburbs? I know the brain was trying to give me some practical tips, but the thought of just being with you was enough.

In six months the heart realised that it is getting weaker than the brain. So it started with ‘operation defeat the sib’. Walking arm in arm by the sea shore at night, talking about future plans for hours, suggesting changes in the dressing style and all those mushy stuff... yes, you were always there to support the heart in this operation and he would always remain grateful to you for this. Everything was perfect... no I think the brain had become stronger this time, so when you showed me her photograph, I knew what was coming. But it was not strong enough, so when with a shaky voice you told me that Guru Amma has announced her as your destiny, it should have made the other parts walk away. It didn’t, again the eyes did their salty trick and the brain lost. Again the feeling of nothing has happened and we are together for eternity prevailed.

Destiny or my good luck – I was picked up for the new assignment and was immediately packed off to the Western World. We were still together according to the heart, but the brain had started strategising this time. He decided to launch a subconscious attack, an area unknown to the heart. That bloody coloured dream, early Monday morning, your gold and red wedding card, the date 10th November, your name in the place of the bridegroom, the bride’s name missing, try as much as I could, I could not see the bride’s name.

And then the phone call at 10.00 am in the morning – Marriage on 10th and reception on 19th...I don’t want to do this, I am not happy, I have an uneasy feeling, but you are invited, please come. Come? Come to do what.... The heart would have definitely lost out to the brain, hadn’t it been your support. Your visit, holding my hand and whispering sweet nothings in my ear – whenever I am with her, I remember you, your magical touch, your exotic smell, you are always there.

This round again went to Mr. Heart.

The brain was down and out. He was sure of his victory, this was unpredictable. Heart was laughing away at its victory without realising what he was losing; his sibling was getting weaker and weaker. It had lost the will to fight any more battles and was wilting away. Would you be able to live if your sibling dies, even if you are able to what kind of life it would be?

Then something happened - or should I say the 19th arrived. I don’t remember the journey, I don’t remember where I stayed, I don’t remember what I wore to the function, I don’t remember meeting of all our old common friends....

Seeing you on the dais with her, smiling ,as if you had won a prized treasure must have shaken the brain out of coma. I remember shivering in a controlled temperature environment; I remember two of our friends walking side by side on the approach way to the dais, afraid that I might fall. I remember giving you the wedding gift, I remember your Mom holding me close to her while the photographer clicked the happy memories. Was it her way of saying good riddance? Or was she happy for me, that she had been able to protect me from future pain. Few moments of pain were important for the glorious and happy life in future.

By this time heart had realised that the battle was lost, it was not as strong as his sibling and immediately went into coma. I don’t remember what I ate; I don’t remember the journey back. I don’t remember resigning from my job.

Like a good sibling the brain didn’t leave the heart’s side, even when I experimented with the blade and tried creating a bloody art work on my hand, it was there. It was always there... speaking out to the heart, even though it knew he might not be heard. The patience and love paid off. It soon brought out the heart from coma, but it was still weak.

Everything could have been lost, the day you had called me from your extended honeymoon trip – how you felt me every time you felt her, how you smelled my fragrance every time you smelled her...

But the good sibling was there... it allowed the eyes to do the salty trick, but didn’t let the salty taste reach the heart. So there was I, listening to your daily ranting about your new area of exploration, your trophy exploits. The more I heard, the stronger the heart became and after a week it had the strength to take up the new assignment, moving away from everything.

The after-effect still remained. The heart didn’t want to face or meet any one who it had loved or was loved by. It wanted to live in oblivion, wanted to lose itself. Still the loving sibling stood by him. Soon it found the right one, but the heart took four years to realise it. Once realised there was no turning away from a happy present and both the siblings joined together for a happy future.

You were always there, but the sibling always stood by the heart and soon the heart had the strength to see you as another passing chapter in life.

The good sibling had always wanted to tell you this, but the soft sibling always stopped him.

You might then ask, what happened today?

Watching you writhing away in pain on the hospital bed with your prized treasure, which now has become your most hated possession, informing me about your last wish to meet me....

I can see the anger in your eyes... I can see your brain telling you that you were so right about ungrateful me...

All this and the frustration to not give it back to me... frustration of not being able to divide the siblings... yes, all this had made the softer sibling go along with the wishes of his loving sibling.