The meeting had just wound up. We had cracked one more deal, the customer was delighted, we got an excellent PCSAT rating and I was pleased with my presentation. Raghav, the Account Delivery Head, entered the room with a broad smile and declared, 'When Drithi is here, why fear?' Congratulatory messages were pouring in from everywhere. The whole office floor was buzzing with activity. People were celebrating and rightly so — a deal with Microsoft was a big one indeed! We had toiled day and night for this, but was I happy?
To be truthful, I wasn’t. My heart was beating fast and my eyes were searching for Kartik. Ah, there he was! He was his usual self, sporting a blue formal shirt and dark denims, looking dapper in his clean-shaven look and trimmed hair, he was chatting gleefully with Gayatri at the coffee counter. My heart skippeda few beats at his sight.
Did our discussion last night not affect him? How could he be so normal?
As I approached him, he glanced at me and smiled. 'Drithi the world is yours and I am so proud of you', he said and gave me a professional hug. His divine fragrance knocked down my senses. I meekly thanked him and moved on, leaving him surprised. I did not want to look back, and headed to my cabin.
I was pleasantly surprised to witness a bunch of colorful roses on my table. I knew this was from Anita, my best friend. She was the one who always took extra efforts to make me feel loved and special. I felt blessed to have a friend like her in my life. I picked up the intercom and called her up, and she yelled back at me lovingly, in the typical Anita style — boisterous and effusive. As I spoke to her, my gaze rested on the flowers and then beyond the glass door. Kartik was still talking to Gayatri. Seeing them engrossed in conversation, my thoughts raced back almost to the same time last year.
A year ago...
One busy Thursday morning, I was preparing a presentation to be delivered to the Nokia-Siemens customer. Raghav had insisted that I work on this one. Though I had a group of seniors above me in the hierarchy, Raghav felt that I could do this job better. I, Drithi Sivakumaran, in my early thirties and drawing a hefty pay package at the position of a senior manager. I was terrific at my job, could crack every deal, and was headstrong, as my colleagues knew me. I was proud of my knock-out professional image. And then, there was a tap on my door, followed by a very smart young man in his late twenties peeping in. He greeted me, and without even realizing it I nodded at which he confidently came in and extended his hand. I was still hesitant about this persona with all-smiles until he introduced himself as our new technical architect who was joining the team I was heading. I had almost forgotten about this, even though Raghav had mentioned about him to me a couple of times.
'Oh yes, Kartik Balasubramanian! I remember now. I am sorry for being clumsy', I managed to mutter. He flashed a 70mm grin and told me that he had managed his way through, to my cabin, and was raring to get into work mode, leaving me both surprised as well as impressed.
Over the course of the next few months, I realized that Kartik had become the darling of the masses. Very bubbly, cheerful, outspoken, always ready to help, heartthrob of almost every girl he met – all these qualities endeared him to everyone around. Some male colleagues were jealous of him, and the female folks went gaga over him. He was everywhere! He was exceptionally brilliant in his work. His technical ability helped the team grow with leaps and his forte was in cloud computing, the niche skill in the market. There was nothing that seemed impossible to him. He was a focused guy and would give his all to every task he undertook. Everyone had only good things to say about him which is a rarity in the IT industry.
Now, Nokia was a demanding customer. They wanted us to develop an EMS which would handle all their NE’s and the design was to be done with Agile, and cloud. We also had to plan for CI (Continuous Integration) with automation. Since we had just a few sprints for the Proof of Concept, the team was working day and night to accomplish this.
All of us were engrossed in work so much that most of the time we ended up sleeping at our desks. The POC was a huge success, and we were asked to visit Timisoara to present this before the customer. The core team, including Kartik and myself, were asked to travel. I could see the excitement on his face, which clearly indicated that it was his first onsite travel. We boarded our flight from Delhi to Munich and then on to Romania.
The customer was pleased with our presentation, and Kartik became an overnight hero. His technical capabilities were truly first-class. I must admit that I was carried away by his charm, and the way he turned tables to achieve what he wanted. Personally, there was a twinge I felt whenever I saw him closely, moving with the others in the team.
One evening, as I was leaving the customer's office, I chanced to see Kartik with a few Romanian colleagues. He saw me and came running to me after waving them off. As he approached me, my heart skipped a beat. His blue denims and the black shirt swept me off my feet. We decided to walk our way to the hotel, since it was a beautiful evening with the sun still in the sky. Spring had just set in and there were roses on either side of the pathway. As we walked, Kartik told me that he adored me a lot, admired me, and considered me a role model. He also added that he always wanted to have dinner with me alone. I was taken aback, because it had been many years since a man had told me that. I had crushes during college, but there was something different about the sincerity with which Kartik conveyed these words to me. I also came to know from him that his mother was a single parent, and that his father had passed away much before he entered into his teens. His work was his passion and he wanted to excel in every way possible. He was amazed to find a lady as dynamic as me, and that is why he thought I was really special. With a promise that we would catch up for dinner, I waved back to him and entered my room.
For the first time after many years I looked at myself. Someone just told me that he found me adorable, and it made me feel special and desirable. I looked at my body and I realized that I had maintained it well. I decided to wear the best dress that I had with me. The black, backless number would make him swoon for sure. With bizarre thoughts in mind, I let my hair down to match the dress. After a luxurious bath and smearing myself with the beautiful aroma of the bath & body lotion, I put on my dress to face the man who had won me over already.
I hastily made my way to the restaurant down stairs. He was already there waiting for me, donning his white half-sleeved shirt and blue denims to go with it. He was looking divine and I could hear my heart beat. The moment I approached him, he complimented me on the outfit, but also expressed his wish to see me in our traditional Indian attire, a sari. In my head, I vowed to wear saris often to office, only for him. That day, our meeting was so different. We did not talk about the usual mundane stuff, rather we were more personal. We discussed our likes and dislikes, and I was happy to learn that both of us loved books and music. We went on gushing over our favorite authors, and we did not realize that we had spent more than two hours only talking. We ordered vegetable clear soup, some corn salad and red wine. Kartik suggested that we head downtown for a stroll. I was longing to spend time with him and there was no chance that I would refuse that offer.
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'Drithi, Drithi...' The voice brought me back from the reverie. It was Pratyusha who had come to inform me that she was leaving early. I tried to bring myself to the present state, but my mind wasn't ready. 'Was I a little too comfortable living in the past?'
Kartik was nowhere to be seen, probably he had left for the day. My heart sank as I thought about his calm demeanor, as if nothing had happened. He had chosen to ignore me, my feelings, and this disregard was a clear hint from him that he treated me just like anybody else in his life. The truth was slowly sinking in. Suddenly, I was desperate to go home and pulled up my handbag. I looked for my car keys quickly and left my cabin. As I passed by Kartik’s seat, I saw that he had already wrapped up for the day.
I reached home to a lonely house and felt forlorn. After a rapid shower and with no mood to eat anything, I pushed myself on the bed. I found myself going back to the day when we experienced our first kiss. After our Romania trip, Kartik used to call me every day. Our call started around 11 PM and we would chat until the wee hours of the morning. We discussed about everything under the sun, and sometimes it was just sweet nothings. My happiness grew manifold whenever he addressed me as his darling, sweetheart, love and or jaan. Nobody had ever been this close to me before, and life was just rocking for both of us. I could see that he was happy with me around, and he always told me that age was just a number when I broached the topic of the age difference between us. I started dreaming about a life with him, our home, our cars, our bed, and started fascinating about resting my head on his chest for my whole life. I was now somebody’s girl, somebody with whom I felt safe and secure.
Once it so happened that Ma and Baba had gone out of Delhi to attend a relative’s wedding. We had our annual sales report submission, and I had no option to apply for leaves. I invited Kartik home for dinner as I wanted to cook for my man. I cooked all his favorite vegetarian dishes, and since he loved saris, I thought I should surprise him. I pulled out my baby pink, plain chiffon sari. The designer blouse added the required extra zing to the appeal of the attire and to spice up the look further, I applied some basic makeup. I knew I looked beautiful, when I adorned myself with my pearl jhumkas and the pearl chain. I looked at myself in the mirror and was satisfied with what I saw. The efforts had paid off. And then the door bell rang! Yes it was him – my man, the love of my life.
He entered my 10th floor apartment, from where we got a beautiful view of the entire city of Bangalore – the busy streets and the lights glowing on the tall buildings. He was casually dressed and he surprised me with a bouquet of carnations and a champagne bottle. I noticed the spark in his eyes. It was evident that he liked my costume, but he did not comment on it. We sat down, and I brought him his favorite paneer tikkas and fried wantons. Meanwhile, he filled the champagne glasses, and we were seated in silence. It was a cold night and I was shivering because of my low cut blouse. Sipping champagne and looking at the busy Bangalore traffic on a Friday evening, I was on the swing and he was sitting opposite to me, saying nothing.
Suddenly, he got up and was hugging me from behind, his right hand touching my back moving towards the stomach and his lips over mine. I looked at him and he forced opened my lips with his, and we kissed on. He stopped, I started. I stopped, he started. Our bodies touched each other and our hands were everywhere. I wished time would just stop at that moment. I had never been kissed by a man before and this was my first kiss. I did not want him to stop but he did – abruptly. I wanted more and felt awkward looking at him, and asking him silently to take this to the next level.
But, he was apologizing and said he had to leave. I pulled myself away and told him that it was a mutual decision, and that he should not feel sorry about it. What followed next was our silent dinner, and then he nodded and left. I closed the door and though my heart did not want him to go, he was gone. How I wish he would stay. I stepped into my bed room, rebuking myself over not insisting that he stay.
The door bell rang, again. Something told me that it was him and I ran towards the door. I was right. He entered the flat and shut the door behind him. I knew he needed me as much as I needed him. It did not take much time or thought for us to discard our clothes. I felt on the top of the world. Everything was perfect. The love of my life, my handsome boyfriend was in my arms finally. I felt so sheltered and ecstatic when he was inside me. I had lost my virginity but I felt so complete that I had no regrets. We kissed, made love, touched each other, he wanted me and I wanted him. We became one and we were happy. I started sobbing, and I knew that they were happy tears – tears of joy of being entwined in the arms of the man I immensely loved.
The days that followed were of pure bliss. We were performing quite well on the professional front and our personal relationship was also blossoming beautifully. Our love making sessions were becoming frequent, sometimes at my flat, at all times during our tours together, on lonely beaches as well as in resorts and we looked forward to being together. We were increasingly getting comfortable with and closer to each other.
My mind jumped back to the present. I was exhausted but still could not sleep. I checked my phone with a hope of receiving a message from him. His Facebook messenger stated that he was active few minutes ago, yet there was no trace of any communication from him. I drifted back into the past again. My parents were very keen that I settle down in life which meant tying the nuptial knot because having a solid profession and career did not mean everything to them. I wanted to bring up this topic with Kartik soon. During our next holiday to Goa, after a blissful love making session on the sea shore under the enchanting effect of the full moon night, I brought up the topic of marriage with him. He did not react immediately, but I saw his reaction a few days later. After our trip, he lessened the phone calls and our 'we' time was not happening at all. Though professionally we were still good, I understood that things were not the same when it came to our personal equation. Our lunch sessions no more involved just the two of us; it was always in a group. My phone calls were getting avoided on the pretext of mood swings, or being out with a friend. I was getting perturbed even though a part of me was trying to convince myself that probably he needed time for this to sink in. May be, he was trying to get over the left over traces of his ex-girl friend, about whom he had mentioned to me many times stating how she left him for someone else.
My mobile buzzed and I excitedly got up, only to discover that it was already 5 AM, and it was my morning alarm that was doing its work. I had not slept the entire night. His WhatsApp status and “the last seen” were indicating that he was awake five hours ago. However, there were no calls or messages. I pulled myself out of the bed for a sip of green tea. I suddenly remembered that Raghav had asked me to study the proposal that Shivam had made for our next customer. I was letting my work suffer because of the personal stress that I was going through. I decided to get my act together and started getting ready for office.
I was the first person to enter office that day. Heading straight towards my cabin, I decided to get back my work on track, which had suffered a lot already. I was trying hard to focus on the proposal that Shivam had wanted, when I heard a soft knock. I was stupefied to see Kartik standing at the door. I looked intently, and could gauge easily that he was not his normal self. The smile was missing! I knew him well enough to sense that something was wrong. I asked him what the matter was.
'Drithi, I know you are confused yourself, and you are trying your best to hide it from me. I need you in my life, but I cannot marry you. It’s just that my ex-girlfriend has entered my life again, and she wants me now. And deep in my heart, I want her, too. We were in love for seven years and I just cannot leave her.'
I felt as if somebody had stabbed me with a jagged knife. I was angry, shattered, shocked, and dismayed! How could he do this to me? Wasn’t he ashamed that he was going back to the lady who snubbed him, broke his confidence and used him? I was livid with myself for baring my soul to him, for believing him, for not understanding his mind, for all the hopes I had on him, for building a life with him, for dreaming about him and above everything, for losing my virginity to him. He also told me that he had submitted his resignation, and that he wanted an early exit. I could hear nothing and was shedding copious tears. I did not want to see him anymore. I was very hurt but said nothing and walked out of my room. I heard him calling my name, but without looking back I rushed out. I walked straight to my car and decided to go home.
I did not know how I managed to drive in the morning traffic of Bangalore in my dazed state. I parked my car at the designated space in my apartment complex and walked home, unware of what was happening around. Ganesh Utsav was around the corner, and people were discussing about the celebrations, but only his words were constantly ringing in my ears, hovering over me like an intense storm. Upon reaching home I realized that I had left my office laptop in my cabin. I sent a quick message to Raghav to inform him that I had some personal emergency at home and would not be available for the next few days. I had requested for my laptop to be sent home, and told him that I would be leaving from Bangalore and heading to my home town as my parents needed me there for a critical emergency. Raghav was understanding and accommodating, and he assured me to not worry about office work.
I touched base in Mumbai. My parents were pleasantly surprised when I told them that I had come to spend time with them for a good number of days. My mother suspected that there was something more to what I told them because she knew a workaholic like me would never take a sudden break. But, she did not probe me much. I went to my bedroom, and felt that I was there to shun my anxiety and stress. I was with my parents who meant the world to me. A sudden guilt overpowered me and I felt I had let them down and disrespected the values they instilled in me. But nothing could be done now that the damage was already done.
Two days went by. Raghav called me to enquire if all was well and also to tell me that he had taken over the business deals, and I did not need to take any work related stress. He also casually mentioned that Kartik was leaving the following week. My heart felt heavy and a part of me wanted to call him, but then better sense prevailed and I brushed aside any such thoughts. He had not made any attempt to contact me and there was no point pondering over a relationship that had clearly reached its end.
As days passed, I had begun to enjoy the pampering from my parents and was happy in my own world. Long walks on the beach eased my anxiety and catching up with relatives and other elders in the extended family had become a ritual I looked forward to, it was strangely cathartic.
It was almost a fortnight now. Raghav called me to check if I was ready to join work in the subsequent week. I requested for some more time, for which he agreed after lots of thinking. My mother was convinced that there was some big problem that I was going through, but never pushed me to open up to them. My day started with an early morning stroll, followed by relishing a scrumptious breakfast and then visiting the nearby orphanage to teach which was immensely satisfying. I would then head to the beach for an evening walk and spend quality time with my parents, and would finally slip into a deep slumber after hitting the bed. I was away from all the corporate stress, and sometimes felt that maybe I should start living this life. The only things that I would miss would be my independence and my fat pay cheque.
The plane landed in Bangalore, Kempagowda Airport. I missed the climate, I missed Bangalore traffic and I missed him. I reached home and my housemaid Lakshmi helped me unpack my suitcase. I trusted her and loved how she kept the house so neat and tidy. My neighbor, a Punjabi aunty, came running to check on me. After the initial pleasantries that I exchanged with my neighbors, I started to feel the lonely ache. There was nothing much that I could do; the relationship which kept me ticking was now non-existant. I called up Raghav to update him that I would be joining office the next day. He was glad to have me back. I took a short nap, followed by a relaxing shower. I plunked myself on the bed and stared at the glass of red wine. It was full but I felt empty.
Shreeeeek - the sound of the brakes pulled me out of my trance. The driver had dropped me at the gate of my company and I dreaded going inside. As I walked towards my cabin, my eyes inadvertently fell on the empty desk of Kartik. My heart accelerated and I realized that there was no point brooding over spilt milk and I had to move on. The pain of his rejection was lingering, but there was nothing much I could do to stop it. I got engrossed inmy work, and that was my only solace. Work took over my lonely life and became my sole companion.
Two years later...
Who says time heals everything? In my case, it didn’t. Traces of him were everywhere. I could not let go of him. I kept telling myself that I am a fighter and I would fight this too, but I was struggling to break the spell he had cast on me. One afternoon, during lunch hours, the receptionist buzzed to apprise me that there was a visitor for me. I had no friends in Bengaluru and was curious to know who this visitor was. My legs stopped when I entered the portico. It was him with his back towards me. I felt a lump in my throat. I noticed that he had lost weight and looked feeble. I slowly went up to him and stood behind him, and extended my hand to touch his shoulder. He turned around, his eyes swollen and tears flowing in a continuous stream. My heart skipped a beat and my eyes welled up, too. There was repentance in those moist eyes. Without him uttering a word, I could understand that he had missed me terribly all this while and was yearning to reach out to me. I kept looking at him …
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