Distant memories are fading now. It is time that they should. A silhouette, latching onto the darkest realms of my dream for so long, bleeding recognition, is slowly drifting away. I tried so hard to grasp it, to make it mine but it was already gone, or the beautiful parts of it at least. She was the one I loved, not so long ago. A true soul, pure as morning dew, calmer than a winter night; she was the reason for my existence.
Was it selfish of me to keep her to me, to want her for me? I think not. Every single soul has desires, so did mine. But it’s of no use now. No, I have not lost her so to speak but yes, I am losing her slowly. I know neither I nor she would be around each other when time ends and it frightens me. Life has taken a lot from me, my childhood lost into bits, love of parents grown into oblivion and I had never felt so helpless before. She was my light at the end of the tunnel, my flicker of hope. And she’s gone too.
Her smile always drew me closer towards her, and she knew that. I used to be the reason behind them. We were inseparable, in our own kind of way. Each morning her fresh breath ensconced me entirely, woke me up from my deep slumber. With her sleep my nights too came to an end. She was beautiful; a tinge of blush pink eternally adorned her face. I wanted to see that adorable face all day long, I wished to see that smile on her face all day long, and I just wanted to have a little more time with her, only if I knew I would be devoid of that later.
They say that u won’t know the worth of someone until they are gone from your life, parted ways with you. I knew the importance of her presence in my life all along, it’s just that I took time to reciprocate those feelings and it was too late by then. A chilly winter morning, a guy came around, swept her off the ground and she went happily with him. Where was I? I was just around the corner, anticipating she would look back, and she did. Her lips curved to give the most enrapturing smile. When I look back now I wonder did her smile mean something else entirely? Was she laughing at my foolishness? Things were never the same after that.
He never left our conversation. She grew beautiful each day; mornings were not the same with her. I grew sad with each passing moment; nights ended generally without her. She never knew what my heart beheld for her, I never attempted to make her realize. I now wish I had done so, at least once. I gave up without even trying. Was I a coward? Yes. I was afraid things would go downhill if I had done so. Was I cautious with her? Yes. Her friendship was the only thing I had now to reminisce. People change at the precipice. They evolve, they organize, they forget. I did the same. I forgot. Or at least tried to…
A dark cloudy night, I saw her heart being shattered into pieces. He got bored. She got ditched. I kept mum. There was nothing I could have said to calm her tormenting heart. Was I happy? No. Was I happy? Yes. I never wanted to see her break like this, but she was a strong girl. She stood up, held onto those pieces firmly and did the unthinkable. She locked them away. She changed; a part of her died that day. Where was i? I was in that guy’s house; beating him too pulp. She never knew that. Nobody told her. Nobody even knew. He changed places after that. Man’s ego is one hell of a thing.
I tried reaching to her after that. She blocked me out. She never wanted me to hurt I guess, but she never talked to me again. Her eyes which spoke so ardently of love, that care was gone. She had become cold. Love was now her favorite toy, feelings- her pass time. She detested every boy and well every boy loved her. She was still the most beautiful girl I knew. The warmth was gone, her heart lost, and she was hell bent on destroying her soul too. Nobody came to her rescue, nobody even cared anymore. For everyone else she was just a plaything. She pretended that too. Except this time it were guys who went home crying. It was their heart which was being mercilessly broken.
Where was I? ICU, Apollo medical care. The guy whom I beat up, well…he came back with a vengeance. I stood no chance. What did I say about man’s ego? I was lying miles away from her, thinking does she know? Would she come even if she knew? I was not sure of anything now. Everything was fading away. All her memories were drifting; my dreams about her were collapsing upon themselves. I tried to grasp them, but my whole existence was reeking of pain and agony and frustration and denial. It was time I let them go. I was hurting. She was lost. The light, my hope everything around went numb. Was it death that was nearing or just the acknowledgement that someone I cared for is gone forever? I was confused.
Where was she? I did not know. I wanted to tell her so many things, ask her so many things. I wanted to heal her, to save her from herself. I wanted to hug her to make her believe that everything would be okay. I just wanted to see that smile on her face one more time. I closed my eyes; her beautiful face flashed right in front of me. A tear trickled down my face…and another…and another. Were those mine? I opened my eyes, and the pain was gone. She came. How can I leave her crying? It was time I mended things. I hugged her and she was in my arms finally. We never spoke a single word; our eyes conveyed whatever there was to know. I loved her and she knew. I would do anything to save her and she knew.
Mornings were beautiful with her again, nights were romantic. The guy whom I beat up and who beat me up never showed his face again. She was healed now, not completely but she knew I would never leave her behind. She did not trust easily and I never broke her trust on me. We were together, in our own kind of way. I was still the reasons behind her smiles and they still drew me closer towards her. She knew. I have finally taken from life which was aptly mine all along. I have finally made her mine.
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