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Author's Speak - Anupama Jain
Anupama Jain


Dear Mr Nihalani,

I know Sir! I so get this feeling!

What it is, to be on the wishlist of every director and producer! A wish, that they may never have to bump into you, because their pictures talk about humping, intercourse, smoking, drinking!

Chee! Just imagine!

You are the man of the hour Sir, suffering all these lady oriented pictures, by the minute. All these women directors, wearing pants and shirts, filming all these cuss-words and smooching! By gawd! How do these women know, what women really want? Tell me? How openly, they are talking about their physical and emotional needs! Aren’t they supposed to simply grin and bear it? Imagine showing a 55 year old woman having fantasies! For this transgression only, the protagonist should be packed off to Varanasi, to atone for her horrible sins, where she can do lifelong penance.

To confess Sir, I haven’t seen that middle-finger picture yet and utorrent isn’t giving me a good resolution video. I need to see it clearly to have some clarity on this vexing matter. But I have been reading all the name-calling by the intellectuals, with an Oxford dictionary by my side. What colorful words they use, to describe your ideals or your devotion to the chosen path of pleasing thy masters!

One side effect Sir, all this brouhaha is improving my vocabulary. See?

But for you Sir, our Shuddh, Sanskaari ideals would have gone to the dogs. Instead of idolizing you, these ranting intelligentsia are calling you vile names? What do they know sir? I tell you, one more squeak, they should be made to go to those Khujaraho temples. Ours is such a timeless civilization sir. So much heritage like Vatsayana’s Kamasutra and yet we want to follow those mindless western sensibilities.

The young generation is surely getting corrupted by the second, Sir!

But for your vigilant eye, we wouldn’t have been able to observe that even children watch ‘A’ certificate movies. So, at least 50 cuts, are mandatory for any errant movie before you consider it safe and purified enough for us Indians, to watch!

You see sir, after 18, we can vote, drive and elect modified power centers. Ladies can wed and legally fornicate but we aren’t competent enough to judge for ourselves, what we can see or hear. We need someone like you with antiquated ideas and dogmatic opinions to steer us and shepherd us to kosher viewing.

Cuss words? Really? In India? The DTC buses are examples of Swacch Bharat and its thought process at work. No one uses lurid french like MC BC ( except our Captain, but that’s another story!) They use pure Sanskrit. And everyone is respecting ladies on the roads Sir! It is only the movies that are getting twisted!

I have one gem of a suggestion sir. Instead of letting the review committee revise and overthrow your sanitary drive, the anguished producers and directors should be made to watch all your path-breaking movies in a loop. Mother promise! Not a word will be uttered more. I even have a tagline for you.

Gunahon-Ka-Faisla’ Karnewale pe ‘Ilzaamlagti hai. See? Carries much gravitas no?

Please don’t scare us by saying that you are quitting. With you at the helm, Indian cinema is in safe hands. With the Good and Simple Tax, movie-going, is anyways prohibitive.

So, down with the depraved drivel!

Yours truly,

A highly impressionable viewer



Anupama Jain is an accidental late entrant to the enigmatic world of writing. She is the founding member of SeniorSchoolMoms (a Facebook Group) and an avid blogger (akkaacerbic.wordpress.com). She has published multiple stories and snippets online and has contributed to many online parental forums. She is a contributing author to Chronicles of Urban Nomads (a short story anthology), Crossed & Knotted (India's first Composite novel, a LIMCA Book of Records holder), When They Spoke (a short story anthology on personification) and Mock, Stalk and Quarrel (a collection of satirical tales) - all published by Readomania. She is an M.C.A from Pune University and currently teaches children. Reading, writing and music are her passions. She lives in Gurgaon with her family and hopes her epitaph will read, "...And she (s)mothered us!"