Discovering Herself

The sun is shining bright whilst the hard wind was blowing the trees effortlessly. Mia was playing with her newly bought games, her smile as bright as sun. Mummy was cooking my favourite dish; the delicious aroma hitting my nose and making my stomach grumble. Suddenly, dark clouds cover, a man in a black hood kills Mia. I scream and try to run but his hands grab my waist. His breath is warm on my neck as he tries to bring a knife near my stomach. I catch him off guard by pressing myself over him he gasps and I run into the house. I step back and my foot touches something, my mother’s body lies in the kitchen, blood flowing out of the wound on her chest. The man in black returns taking slow steps towards me, “red suits her and I am sure it will suit you as well”.

“No no oh, no!” I wake up suddenly and I am on my bed in my dorm. ‘It was just a nightmare…’ I try to convince myself as I wipe the sweat formed on my face. It was 5:14 in the morning. The corridor is silent as I walk by our hostel; sticking to the way familiar to me. I was enrolled in a strict hostel after what happened to my family. My family was murdered three weeks back in which I somehow was saved. How? Well that’s what my psychologist is trying to figure out. According to her my mind has blocked the memories of that night for my own good. But it was totally disturbing; I could not remember anything from that night, but those nightmares? They haunted me every night after the incident, which resulted in depression. My uncle thought it was better to send me to a hostel and pay money rather than having a 19-year-old girl suffering from depression. Police say that I was lucky that I am alive as the murderer had a clear plan of killing the whole family. Oh the irony; I don’t feel lucky at all, each LUCKY day without my family was dreadful and lifeless. Thoughts of suicide keep revolving in my mind, though the little soul in me who wishes to punish the murderer keeps me alive. But the face of the man is blurred in my brain. For now I decide to get ready for college.

“Hey Annie, there’s a plan for tonight, care to join?” says Jenee; the only friend I made since I entered in the college.

“Aren’t we supposed to stay in the dorms after seven?”

“Come on, it’s not like we have to follow everything that creepy guard says, all we have to do is sneak out.” She says and winks as if it’s nothing big.

I hesitate but the happiness Jenee had for her plan is contagious and I agree to it. After all it isn’t bad to make new friends and actually be happy.

“Yay, so be ready by 11 at night and we will sneak out.” With that she moves to her other friends spreading the contagious smile. She sure was a good friend.

We manage to sneak out successfully when the guard went for her pee break. As soon as we reach the bonfire, I regret going. First, I had no clue that her plan was a party with bonfire in a farm house, second, Jenee had her other friends and joined them, not that I am complaining, but I did need a company because alone my mind went to places I am afraid of. As I turn around and take a step I fall on someone’s chest with a thud. My nose cringes as it goes red as it pains against the hard and muscular chest. As I back off my steps I see the handsome face, he has a tall frame, messy disheveled hair with mesmerizing black eyes, eyes that screamed mysteries. A smile forms on his beautiful full lips. I return a smile to him and he extends his hand, “Hey, myself Kush, you must be new here?”

“Yeah, I just joined in here; myself Annie.”  I introduced myself while shaking hands with him; he seemed like a nice guy.

“So you guys are here?” said Jenee who finally seemed to remember me. “Well, Kush is my best friend, and Kush she is my friend Annie.”  She said chirpily. She was dressed in a short dress which fitted her curves perfectly. It suddenly made me feel bad about myself. I wore loose jeans and a baggy shirt, my hair totally messed up and I looked nothing close to beautiful.

“Well, we already introduced ourselves” said Kush pulling me out of my self-loathed thoughts. From that incident, I wasn’t the same girl; I had gained a few extra kilos by just lying on bed, and crying myself to sleep. I grew pale every passing day. My eyes lost its shine and had dark circles due to sleepless nights due to the nightmares. Smiling was something as past, let alone laugh hard. As much as I looked at myself in mirror, I loathed myself, for being ugly, for being a horrible daughter, sister and friend. I saved myself but failed to save my family. I left my only friend back without telling her anything. I couldn’t move on, because I never got a closure; I don’t remember anything and the murderer of my family is still roaming around in the city maybe planning to kill me, and I cannot do anything but sit and cry. I forgot to love myself, and that was the most terrible feeling; because when you cannot love yourself you have to depend on someone to love you and that is hard, to give control of your feelings to someone else is hard after you already face a loss of your family.

A hand waved in front of me asking for my attention; it was his hand. “Hello Annie? Lost, huh?”

“Oh nothing just random thoughts, tell me what were you saying?” I waved it off, but Kush’s eyes held me in my place as if saying I know those are just no random thoughts. I averted my gaze instantly and followed to a group where Jenee was going, I sensed Kush following us.

There were four guys and three girls in the group already, what caught my attention was this guy in dark hood and grey pants, and hazel blue eyes that suited his personality. He held me by his powerful gaze, finding it too intruding I tried to mix with the other members. Kush was really amazing to be around, and was a real good company. He said a few incidents that made me laugh again. I felt as if I was laughing for the first time in my life. The guy in hoodie was no more to be found.

For the first time after the dreadful incident I went to sleep with a smile on my face and no nightmare dared to haunt me. The next day, I woke up really late. I had to practically run to my class. After one whole lecture of sleeping in Mr. Dutt’s lecture, I decided to grab some coffee so that I could least concentrate in my further lectures.

“Hey there!”

“Hey, again!”

“What’s up?” Kush asked with his ever smiling face.

“Well nothing much, just decided to grab some coffee, you?” I said smiling back to him.

“Well, frankly speaking, was just following you” I laughed hysterically on his face.

“Following me? That’s such a bad idea! I am sure there are better girls than me who are waiting to be with you”

“Oh, well according to me you are more beautiful than them” he said with a smile that reflected…pity?

“O oh, so you are saying all this because you pity me! Isn’t it?” I said with all the hate I was left with, I didn’t like anyone pitying me.

“What? No of course not. Can’t you see how beautiful you are? You don’t need a lot of friends to smile; you have this smart mouth which can amaze anyone, you don’t need fancy dresses to make yourself look beautiful...you look cute in simple jeans and shirt with your messy hair too. Isn’t it beautiful?” he said with sincerity in his eyes. I wanted to believe him, but the reflection I see in mirror everyday spoke something else.

“Well, thank you for all the adoration, but I… I don’t know…” I said with my shoulders shrugging down in defeat.

“There’s no hurry Annie. Let’s just meet each other and spend some time?” I agreed at that and we decided to meet in the evening in the boys’ hostel’s storeroom. I sensed someone’s eyes on me. As I scanned the cafeteria, our gazes met. He was the same guy with blue hazel eyes; I could never forget them. Feeling uneasy I left the cafeteria and moved to my class. The day went by uneventful. In the evening I sneaked out to the storeroom. To my surprise Kush was not there and the room was dark. As I took a few steps ahead I was grabbed my waist just the way I was grabbed in my dream or maybe in real when my family was murdered? A sharp instrument met my neck, my breathe getting raspy and uneven.

“You are not safe in this hideous school” a raspy voice whispered in my ear, a shiver ran down my spine as I tried to take in everything happening around me, my mind asked to scream but I couldn’t find my voice, if felt as if those were my last breathes.

Suddenly the room gets dim and the person behind me runs away. In a while I hear Kush’s voice and a figure behind him, running away.

“Annie? Annie?”

“Kk-us-hh” I stammer and run towards him and hug him tightly.

“Huh? Annie, are you alright?

“Hmm yes, can you take me back to my room, please? My voice breaks as I plead him. He helps me to my room comforting me. As soon as I reach my room I start crying.

“I am a coward!” I scream on my pillow.

“No, you are not.” A voice behind me said. As I look to the source, he is the guy with those hazel blue eyes. I had a few questions like how did he get into my room but for now I had some other things on my mind; to have an actual conversation about myself.

“Oh really? You don’t even know me.”

“Well, I do know you enough, you are a strong survivor, who don’t play victim, you don’t like anyone pitying you and that’s the reason you haven’t told anyone about your family in the campus, you stand still; emotions gathered. If you were a coward you would have taken the path of suicide, but you didn’t, you stood there waiting for your memory to come back, so that you could give justice to your family, even when for all this you have to go through bad nightmares, depression and a psychologist forcing you to remember which doesn’t let you sleep causing nightmares. You think you are ugly, when you see other girls, but don’t realize how beautiful you are, even when someone tells you, and that’s the reason you laughed when Kush told you that you are beautiful.”

To say I was shocked was an understatement. How could he know so much about me?

“How do you know so much about me; whereas I don’t even know your name?” I asked in utter shock.

“My name is Aditya, when I saw you in the group for the first time, I saw the way you looked at other girls and then sighing, you somehow grabbed my attention and I knew you had a story. My father is the head of this institute so grabbing information about your family wasn’t that hard, I kind of heard you and Kush taking today in cafeteria and other things? Well, for them I would say I am quite an observant type.”

“So, you think I am not a coward and I am beautiful?” I asked him, he made me feel good; I don’t know how.

“Of course you are” he grabbed my hand and made me stand in front of mirror.

“Look at yourself, Ann, you are a lady who has the strength to fight alone, you don’t play the victim, you have this beautiful pair of brown eyes which shine the power of being independent, you have this beautiful figure who has been through a lot and still stands strong. You are indeed beautiful.”

I believed him. And I smiled to myself in the mirror. I thanked him for being nice, though in other circumstances I would have loathed him for being such a stalker. As he left, I started thinking about the past times where I didn’t need anyone to realize how good I was and I knew there were things to be changed.

The week after this was pretty good. I had a lot of memories of the night hitting back in my mind with the help of the psychologist; but this time they didn’t haunt me they gave me courage to stick to my aim of getting the murderer behind the bars, I had a great time with Jenee and group as I no longer loathed myself, Kush and I were getting closer with our emotions, we were now best of friends. I somehow trusted Kush blindly, he brought happiness to me more than anyone, he flirted with me time to time, and I didn’t mind a bit of attention, Aditya was like a mystery, after that night I tried to ask things about him from Jenee and her gossip girls; all I could know was that almost all the girls swooned around him, but it was a shame that he didn’t talk, which surprised me as he did talk to me the other night. Aditya is much of a guy who disappears. Though Aditya helped me out discover myself, Kush was the main reason for all the smiles I carried, he meant a lot to me. The week was almost over and it was the time for a field trip. Our institution was taking the students to a field trip near MY HOME, the place where all those dreadful things happened. As we stepped out of our bus, cold air hits our skin and I suddenly start shivering. Kush hands me his coat and tells me to go and be warm inside a room. I feel someone’s eyes on me but as I scan the crowd I don’t find anyone there, all my friends have left and are heading towards their room. I push the feeling of being watched and go inside the room I am given; I decide to take a warm shower. When I step back to room I am grabbed by someone, I try to scream but he pulls me and ties my mouth, hands and legs and after that everything gets dizzy.

My eyes open and I find myself in a very familiar place…my home? To my surprise my hands and legs are not tied anymore. I stand up and start moving in the house. As soon as I reach the kitchen my heads starts picturing things, maybe the things that happened that night. And before I knew every single thing was clearly placed in my mind. My sister, my mother and my father lying in their own blood…but one thing moved me more than my family lying in blood; the murderer. He was with me all the time, everyday. KUSH? I couldn’t believe it, how someone as good as Kush, kill my family? A sound of door pushed me out of my thoughts, there my new best friend stood.

“I believe your mind has recovered everything?” he said as he saw anger in my eyes.

“Why did you do it?” my voice strong and aggressive.

“That’s my work, I get paid for it, I was told to kill your family, and the reason you are still alive is because I felt attracted to you and I wanted you.”

I felt myself breaking but I knew that he wasn’t worth it. He was not worth my trust.

“Be my slave and I will leave you,” he said pointing a gun towards me. As soon as he said I felt like puking, he has to be so down and break all that was built between us, a friend was all that I needed in that phase, but he destroyed it. I don’t know from where the courage came, but I move towards him, pressing myself over him, getting him off guard and taking the gun from him and the next few things happened so fast I find it hard to believe. I shot him once in his left leg and once near his torso. I trapped him in a chair and call the police.

***

“Hey beautiful!”Aditya said and I smiled to myself remembering his definition of beautiful.

“Hey Aditya!”

“Kush is in jail, and he will stay there for the rest of his life. Time to celebrate; would you like to come with me this evening?”

Kush is in jail, but maybe he isn’t supposed to be there, he did this all because he had to, not because he wanted to…I push those thoughts away; he is paying for his sins.

“Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Sorry, Aditya. But I don’t like the idea of throwing myself on someone just because I need someone to make me feel lovable and beautiful. You helped me a lot, and I am thankful for that, but Kush made me realize not to depend on anyone for bringing you happiness. I am no longer a depressed girl. I feel beautiful inside out and have started loving my own self. To be with you and being loved will make me a girl I may not love and desire, some choices are hard to make but at times they are the best choices to make I believe.”

“I understand, and maybe this is the reason I have started liking you, you are a strong lady who doesn’t need perfect dresses to look beautiful, a man to make her feel loved, admirers to make you feel worthy, who is smart to arrest a murderer, courageous in heart to face the truth, independent to take her decisions, simple, kind, confident and strong. YOU are the real STREE of INDIA.”