The Reluctant Dreamweaver

1. Subconscious Sky and Two Workers

“Where have you been? I expected you to come sooner.”

I had come to meet Rooh. I had to. There was no one else who could even begin to understand what was going on in my head and my life. With the way things were pushing themselves towards each other, I was on the verge of collapse. All distinction between my reality and my subconscious was blurred to a point where I could no longer understand which dimension I was in. I was spending more time in my dreams than in the real world. What the real world was, I was no longer sure. Too many fleeting elements had now become a part of my constant reality. The variables were all intertwined like the curves of a kaleidoscope.

Ever since I realised what I was, my nights and days were confused. I would work all day and sleep at night only to find myself awake in another dimension. I was drained and exhausted. My work was suffering. I hardly knew what I was doing anymore. I still processed the brains but only because I had perfected the art of doing it with my eyes closed. Well, if not with closed eyes, I certainly was doing it with a closed mind. I did not, could not, concentrate on anything anymore. Rooh was my only sanctuary. And yet, I had kept her away for so long that now it felt weird to acknowledge that part of my reality. But which world was she a part of? There were no answers. Maybe both, maybe none. Sometimes, we push away the people that matter the most for reasons unknown, sometimes, there are no reasons at all. Everything would appear to be just fine but it would not be fine at all. And somewhere between that apparent calm and actual chaos, we lose significant parts of our lives. The relationships, the associations, go through an unending spiral, falling into an infinite chasm of darkness. And as much as you’d want to stop them from falling into the deepest abyss, you know that they are beyond repair. And for no fault on either part. You can fix something if it is broken. You can’t fix what is not broken, but just stops working.

This is what had happened between me and Rooh. We were close, as close as two people could be in the environment we were in, but I had slipped and let us fall along with me. The constant daze that I was in, the haze that had settled on my mind, did not let me think of much else except what was happening with me. It had been days since I had even checked in on Rooh or Ms Cat. They had both helped me realise what I truly was. But I was so engrossed in dealing with it that I had overlooked the one person who had triggered it all. I was still not sure what Rooh had wanted from me in the first place.

What about Qaza? What exactly had happened that day? What had that innocent meeting turned into? I was still confused about the entire episode. She, too, had wanted something from me. Something that she said only I had. And I was more than willing to give her whatever I could. I just did not know what it was.

I had always believed in the philosophies of the Body Bazaar and now that I knew the origins of it, it made even more sense. Qaza had told me about the beyond, the place where nothing lived and everything survived. There was hope for the world only if the compound and the company were to run it and convert it into what it ought to be from the beginning—an ideal autonomy, a world where everyone was at peace. If Rooh had helped me discover myself, Qaza had given me my purpose. The purpose still unclear, but the determination behind it was certainly not. I was done deliberating over it. I had to tell Rooh.

“There is so much that has happened that I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know how to start things with you again. I feel disconnected, with myself, with everything. And a tad too connected with too many other things.”

“You know that you are not making any sense right now.”

“Life has stopped making sense since you walked into it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my life until you triggered everything. Why did you do it, Rooh? What had I ever done to you? Do you realise that if you had not been standing next to me in the hall that day, none of this would be happening? But you deliberately made that happen. It was all part of your big plan to get me here. I don’t even know where here is. I was happy being no one, doing my work and existing. That is all I had ever wanted. But you didn’t allow me to have that, because you were not at peace. For some reason when the rest of the compound seems at peace, you are strangely disturbed, as if the air and water have no effect on you, as if you can breathe a different air and drink a different water. How are you able to do all this? How can you just bypass the effects that are so clearly visible on the rest of us, which according to you, are because of the air we breathe and the water we drink? What is this power that you have? Who are you?”