Having just returned from a splendid lunch and a museum tour with three old friends (old in more ways than one, as you can see!) I thought it’d be a good time to take stock of the importance of friends in one’s life.
International Friendship Day has just come and gone, as it does on the first Sunday in August every year. Nobody sends greeting cards anymore. Though it was initially promoted by the greeting cards' industry decades ago to boost their sales, technology put paid to that. However, greetings were exchanged all over the country (and beyond) this year too on social networking sites, as is the norm these days. Youngsters promised to be each other’s BFF, and ‘muahs’ flew hither and thither all over cyberspace. The older ones were a little more reserved. But the message conveyed was the same—‘you are my friends and I cherish our friendship. ‘
It is official—in 2011, the UN General Assembly declared 30 July as ‘International Day of Friendship’.
This day is celebrated all over the world, though on different dates in different countries, giving people a reason for friendly gatherings and to greet friends old and new.
They say that the best friends are those from one’s childhood. Would you agree? I would. One does make friends on the journey of life later too, but it’s not the same, isn’t it? What is it about school and college friends who stick around in your life, or return, that make them special? The innocence, the fun, the lack of guile and the absence of self-interest in those fledgling relationships, maybe? I’ve observed that boarding school buddies remain really, really close throughout their lives, helping each other through thick and thin, going out of their way to help a fallen mate. The ‘old school tie’ and all that. Closer than even the faujis, closer than my own sailing fraternity, closer than a day scholar schoolmates’ group. Just an observation….there may be exceptions to the rule, as always.
Friends don’t have to be like you. You may be apples and oranges, or chalk and cheese, but you can still be good friends. You may be Ross, Chandler or Joey—or for that matter Rachel, Monica or Phoebe. Each of them a totally different personality—yet how well they clicked and understood each other in the TV sitcom ‘Friends’! That is human chemistry—inexplicable and unfathomable.
A good friend does not judge you (well… most of the time.) A good friend listens to secrets that you wouldn’t tell your spouse (especially those!), and keeps them. A good friend will tell you’re being an a@#*%le if you’re trying your best to be one. A good friend will not gossip about you behind your back. Silences with a good friend are never awkward. You may not be in touch for ages and yet, when you catch up, it’s like you’d never been apart. Are you a good friend to someone?
Good friendship means talking about intimate things openly, being able to make each other laugh, being able to get one home safely when the other has had too much to drink and being able to know how the other is feeling with just one look. I hope you’re lucky to have someone like that in your life.
Do you think it is important to have good friends? Very important, I think. You don’t need to have many. I know people who, in a pre-pandemic world, would invite 25 ‘close friends’ to a party. Well, I’m not one of those. Never had that many; never needed so many. But the few I call my friends, I cherish and keep in touch with. Thanks to Facebook and WhatsApp, it has become easier.
Simply put, friends bring happiness into our lives, having a huge impact on our mental health. Good friends relieve stress, provide comfort and joy, and prevent loneliness and isolation. Developing close friendships can also have a powerful impact on our physical health. In fact, it's been proven that friendship can extend life expectancy and lower chances of heart disease. Friendship helps us survive. Friendship ignites the part of the brain that makes us feel good; releases those necessary hormones—oxytocin, endorphin, whatever.
Does your child have friends? Or your spouse? I hope so. If not, I think it is a matter of concern. Is it healthy to have no friends? Nope! Studies since the 1980s have shown that if you have no ties with friends, family or community, your chance of dying early may be 50% higher. You are more prone to depression and suicide. Social isolation is now being touted as detrimental to health—as harmful as smoking, or not taking physical exercise!
What about loners? A loner is someone who prefers to avoid people and wants to be alone. But he is not friendless—that’s the difference. Is it okay to be a loner? I guess so—I know some. Loners can be happy and healthy, though lost in their own world. They are generally introverted, happier with less social interaction. But they are not necessarily friendless. They can seek a friend out if they want and spend time together, and a good friend will appreciate that and respect the loner’s space and desire to not interact too much.
It’s the friendless people one needs to be concerned about. Something wrong there. I think. There are some people who can never make friends, or don’t want to. It’s not easy to spot them, but if one looks closely enough there are indications. They always separate themselves from the group. They rarely start a conversation, preferring to give brief answers in response to a question and refuse to elaborate. (A gregarious person, on the other hand, may choose to share more than what is asked and even ask a question in return in order to extend the conversation, right?) Unsociable types shun public spaces like the club or the neighbourhood Diwali Mela where they think they’ll be forced to interact with others. You’ll find them not using social media much. They never seem to be in group photos. They don’t like to talk about themselves. They don’t seem to know anyone, and nobody seems to know them.
It is not my place to judge these people. I’m merely making an observation. Maybe it’s not their fault. Some of us are better at making friends than others. Some of us are less shy and less socially anxious. But to these people I want to say that if you do not have a single friend in your life, you’re missing something.
You don’t need 2000 ‘friends’ on Facebook and 1000 ‘followers’ on Instagram to feel warm and secure. All you need is one good friend you can reach out to in times of need. And be that one good friend to someone.
Beetashok Chatterjee is the author of ‘Driftwood’, a collection of stories about Life at Sea and ‘The People Tree’, another collection of stories about ordinary people with extraordinary experiences. A retired merchant ship’s captain by profession, he lives in New Delhi with his memories of living more than 40 years on the waves.
His book is available on Amazon. Click here.
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