Ides of March

On a Saturday morning, at around 11 AM, AJ wondered if it was too early to wake up from her slumber and face the world when her phone rang.

It was the Alpha-Mom of the neighborhood who exuded an air of ‘been there, done that’, thereby demanded undivided attention from her condo-mates. Especially in that silly season of ‘Exam-Vexam’.

 

Where the moms forgot that the kids were just taking annual exams and not life-threatening colonoscopy.

Though her current vocation involved dispensing of random ramblings on the unsuspecting online world, word was out that AJ was a major WIP and needed chiseling and periodic counseling.

 

So? All set?” The Alpha-Mom breathlessly demanded across the satellite waves!

What for? Oh yeah! Wardrobe needs a major overhaul. I am trawling Amazon, Flipkart, and Jabong for sales. Only hitch? Linking with Aadhaar! Tomorrow, if I hail a rickshaw, that fellow will say, show me your ID!” AJ was known to ramble till the caffeine kicked in.

Hey Bhagwaan!” Alpha-Mom smacked her forehead loudly. “Are you set to give the exams? Is everything going according to schedule?” Alpha-Mom was now louder, slower, and clearer.

 

AJ understood she had no chance of acing this game of being the Tough-Mom, who knew what to do when!

 

Get up and smell the coffee beans! Armageddon is here and now while you are worried about being dressed aptly for the part? Stitch your random thoughts together. Even the PM who works 24 hours a day, has taken time off, taken bull by the horns and written a book about this. Let us prepare the ‘Exam Warriors’ for the slog ahead. Wake-up silly! It is a testing time!Speak!What have you done?” Alpha-Mom demanded.

Syllabus has been completed once. I’m preparing a question bank after filtering the past ten years’ papers.” AJ actually felt proud.

Nonsense. Waste of time. Every half-decent bookshop has the past papers. Accha Suno. From January, I have completely done away with Carbs. I have fiber-intensified Junior's diet, with moderate amounts of fat. I have downloaded all the youtube links to cook up a culinary storm. Junk is out. Healthy is in. We are ordering directly from the Organic farms you know. All these fertilizers can play havoc with the brain cells. We got to protect whatever we have been bestowed with! What gives?

Take it from me. I give in. I’m mastering some prayers. God knows when I might need his services.” AJ nodded sadly while counting the blotchy spots on the opposite wall. A slowpoke! She really needed to ramp up her game.

 

Alpha-Mom who loved the sounds rolling out of her mouth, went a few octaves louder.

 

We have different WhatsApp groups for different subjects. I follow the moms of the toppers only. We share study plans, lesson plans, tests, and mind-mappings. I could add you too. We also have a rating chart for the teachers. That reminds me. Don’t employ anyone to tutor unless you true-caller them. Are you listening?

 

AJ muttered, “Do I have a choice really?”  But subtlety was quite lost on this Mom-On-A-Mission.

Even Mangalayan Moms have had it easier.

 

I have employed a personal trainer for the junior. Physical fitness is paramount while attacking the questions. We have done away with the cable-connection. Serials are anyways too regressive and news channels are all about who can shout louder or come up with trendiest hashtags. I have kept just the internet. I get to see, how the tutors are spending my money.” Alpha-Mom chuckled.

True. Cannot do without my FB fix you know! Wait! You stalk your junior’s Gurus?” AJ was incredulous!

Arre, you cannot trust anyone these days, what with the spiraling crime rates. I also have become a part of all these online support forums, where they discuss a child’s growth threadbare. You know na, my bro got married recently and ‘they’ are trying to get pregnant. I have already added him to all these groups. So that they are better prepared and they know how challenging parenting really is!

So soon?”

 

Alpha-Mom softly intoned, “It is epic knowledge! Remember that Abhimanyu guy, who learned it all while mom and dad confabulated? I told my bro, they should get their gene-pool sanctified and check for possible auspicious dates to conceive, so that they get the best possible results.”

 

At this point, AJ dropped her brand-new phone to the ground and passed out.

When she eventually woke up, AJ wanted to know who was giving the exams and who was taking them?

Who knew?

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