In my last blog, I’d dreamed of the joy of being a grandparent. I have since then switched tracks a bit and wondered about something else that is trending. It’s about not wanting children. Why are so many millennial couples opting out of having children, I’ve wondered? Why does this new generation think differently? I mean, was it not a given all these centuries that once we’re married, we try our best to have a child or two of our own and become a ‘real’ family? That having a child is a pit stop in the race of life?
Well…apparently not. There are many, many couples out there in the 25-39 age group—millennials, I believe they’re called—in our cities who have taken a conscious decision not to have children of their own. Healthy, heterosexual couples. I happen to be acquainted with several ‘kids’ of that generation, thanks to my own.
So for the sake of this blog, as a corollary to my last one, I decided to pursue this subject. Shocking some of these young people by calling them out of the blue—the ones I was comfortable talking to— I explained the reason for my call after the standard ‘Hi! How are you? Happy New Year!’ and all that stuff, and got down to asking them their views on why they had opted for a child-free existence. (Sounds better than childless, doesn’t it?)
Below is a summary of the various conversations I had with my young acquaintances. They were all clear, candid, and very decided about what they wanted from life. Quite an eye-opener.
‘Uncle, we’ll make terrible parents! We already have hectic lifestyles. We travel, work overtime at the office, visit friends for drinks, and all that. We won’t be able to give our kids the required time and care. Why go on feeling guilty about being bad parents?’
‘Uncle, I don’t want to return home and stress about our kid’s homework, hobby classes, tuitions …. and later feel guilty that I am not giving my best as a parent. We love kids, and I am my nephew’s favourite aunt. But my husband and I have never felt the desire to become parents and we don’t regret our decision one bit.’
‘Parenting is not a cakewalk, Uncle.’ (Oh, yeah? Don’t preach to the choir, young lady.)
‘Sir, I read your blog about wanting grandkids. But times are different now! Don’t you watch the daily news, and feel sick when you hear of kids being molested in their schools, kidnapped for ransom, and brutally raped? My wife and I can’t think of bringing up a child in such an environment; I would be in a constant state of stress. Also, what about the child’s health? The pollutions levels are going crazy. And there is always the question of whether we would be able to afford the child’s expenses or not for the next twenty-odd years.’
‘No, Uncle, I am not infertile, if that is what you’re insinuating. We have a great married life.’ At my vehement protest, ‘Just kidding, Uncle, I know you didn’t mean that. But my relatives do. I’m just happy and relieved not being a mother.’
‘Uncle, it’s a huge commitment! One of us will have to sacrifice our career for the initial years, possibly longer. Neither of us is willing to do that.’
‘Uncle, do you have any idea of the cost of living and bringing up a child? Is there anything affordable under the sun these days? The fees I paid for my four-year college degree is what people pay to get their kids into ‘good’ kindergarten schools these days! Then the struggle for school admissions, college admissions! Do you know that the college cut-offs at Delhi U are now one hundred percent? ’
‘Mr. Chatterjee, you and your parents belong to generations that sacrificed everything they could to bring up their children. They could hardly enjoy their lives, never make themselves a priority, never had any vacations, sacrificed the best years of their lives—and all these were expected of them by society! Was it worth it? I don’t think so.’
‘Uncle, I hate children! They’ll hang around all the time—needing food, toys, and clothes!’
‘Sir, the life my generation lives is highly unstable, unpredictable, and stressful. Far more than your generation’s—no offense. Only a few are blessed with the resources and capability to stay on top of their game. I can barely manage my own responsibilities. How can I put myself through the stress and responsibility of bringing up a child?’
‘Uncle, I have no choice but to take care of my parents who, by the way, drain me out. If I have to care for my parents and then care for my kids too, I will have no life left for myself.’
‘Uncle, I know too many married friends with kids, who are spread way too thin. They don’t get enough sleep; have no time for exercise, no time to pursue their hobbies! A couple of them have neglected their marriages and are now divorced. I hope that answers your question.’
‘Uncle, I have to make life decisions based on what’s best for someone else—my child—rather than what’s best for me. That’s all well and good, but what if it means passing up a job opportunity in another city, staying on in a dead marriage, or neglecting old friendships? Is it worth the sacrifice?’
‘Sir, the world will be less crowded and resources less depleted if people have fewer children. Only those who truly want to be parents should become moms and dads. Think about a future with fewer mouths to feed. I think I’m doing my country a favour.’
What did I take away from my chats with this generation?
That they have a valid point, you know. That it’s okay to not want kids. It's okay to not want to be a parent, and there's nothing wrong with you if that's the case. It's also okay to not know yet whether you want to have kids. Feeling pressured and obsessing over what everyone else expects isn't going to make your life a happy one. It’s okay to march to the beat of a different drum. It’s definitely okay to step back and evaluate what’s best for your future rather than simply follow the herd.
The most important take-away of all—and they were too polite to tell me this—was that it was really none of my damn business.
Beetashok Chatterjee is the author of ‘Driftwood’, a collection of stories about Life at Sea. A ship’s captain by profession, he joined the Merchant Navy at a young age and now misses it, having just retired after completing more than forty years at sea.
His book is available on Amazon. Click here.
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