Recently I was Moderator for an online discussion, as part of the Delhi Book Fair PragatiE-Vichaar literature festival, on marriage as an institution—whether it is still relevant, whether it is failing, and if so why and so on. I interviewed two ladies—both authors and high achievers in their own spheres. Their views were forthright and strong, and not unexpectedly, I was awed by their clear thoughts and definitive views.
No surprises there. As a man who has never won an argument with his wife of 38 years, nor with his daughter after she turned 13, I am generally flummoxed by the arguments and counterpoints women bring up to demolish or discount anything I have to say.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. So spake John Gray when he wrote the eponymous bestseller twenty years ago. When I read it in the 90’s, it made a lot of sense to me. It still does. I am convinced men and women are wired differently; they think differently and react differently to any given situation. There are fundamental psychological differences between us. All of us need to be aware of that and remind ourselves constantly in our relationships. I don’t know of a single couple in this world which does not have differences of opinion, leading to arguments. And arguments are no longer fun and cute after you’re married. They drain us of our energy, spoil our mood and leave us fuming when we should be having a good day instead.
So many different situations lead to an argument, burgeoning into a quarrel and sometimes into a full blown battle. This is followed by a cold war which would make even the CIA and KGB sit up and take notice. While I’d be of no help to anyone to try and tell them how women think and really want, perhaps I could share the male viewpoint with you all to understand that simple, basic piece of machinery known as a man’s brain.
Here are a few tips to the ladies who are reading this. Guys, please nod your heads vigorously in support. I’ve been inspired by an anonymous WhatsApp post on the subject to write about this. Allow me to expand on it.
Dear ladies, men are not mind readers. So if they ask you politely what’s on your mind and you say ‘Nothing’, they’ll believe you and go about their business, whistling a carefree tune. They have no reason not to believe you. After all, you never lie, right?
Ladies, if you see us sitting with a cold beer gazing into space and ask us what we’re up to, we’ll say ‘Nothing.’ But actually we’re deep thinking. Men are deep thinkers about various topics, you know. But we will not tell you we are ‘just thinking’ because then you’ll ask ‘About what?’ And come up with more questions. So we say ‘Nothing’, which is when you give us some work to do.
Ladies, ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Neither do strong hints. Just say it. You may spell it out if you deem it necessary. Men, be very, very careful if you’re going to give her a surprise gift on her birthday. Most likely it’ll be the exact opposite of what she is hoping for. You’re not wired to guess what she’d like as a surprise gift. Don’t even try—it’ll ruin her birthday.
Ladies, shopping is not fun. Men hate it. They’ll accompany you only to make you happy, hoping you’ll be (ahem!) nice to them afterwards. It gives them no pleasure to see you going into shop after shop after shop, checking this, trying out that and walking out empty handed with a steely glint in your eye, determined to find what you’re looking for. When men shop, it’s just in and out. Enter, see, buy and exit. For them, life is too short to waste shopping. It’s not a sport.
Ladies, it is not necessary to answer any question from a man with a counter question or a cryptic remark. A direct answer is very welcome. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.
Ladies, crying is blackmail. Period. Not allowed in any argument. A man stands no chance after that.
Ladies, anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. There should be a law about this. In fact, all comments become null and void after ten days. Sometimes we don’t remember what we said in the heat of the moment the day after! I swear to this. Whereas you have every word we uttered filed away in your brain’s hard disk with date, time and place—with probably a Cloud backup.
Ladies, if you’re going to bring up problems in our conversation, then we’ll offer solutions. But if you’re not interested in the solutions and just want to talk about your problems, then please don’t discuss your problems with us. Because solutions are what you’ll get from us. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Ladies, never, never ask us if we think you’re fat. You don’t want to know the answer. Don’t worry—you’ll always be in shape as far as we’re concerned. (Round is also a shape.)
Ladies, if something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!
Ladies, you can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both, sorry. And while we’re doing it our way, no commentary is necessary to advise us how it should be done. If you already know best how to do it, please just do it yourself—thank you.
Ladies, if we’re watching India playing cricket in a World Cup tournament, we’re not available to run errands. However, you may talk to us during the commercial break.
Ladies, we do not need directions. We know how to use Google Map. Even Vasco De Gama did not need directions. Also no backseat driving, please. Take the wheel yourself if you feel our driving is not meeting your high standards.
Ladies, when we’re under stress, we want to be left alone, please. We don’t want to talk about the problem. Allow us to retreat into our world, or go out to hang out with our buddies so that we can get some ‘time-out’ to distance ourselves from the problem. Relaxed, we’ll look at the problem from a fresh perspective and figure something out. Please sense this, and let us be. We’ll talk to you about it when ready. Don’t ask us a dozen questions. We know your natural reaction would be to pour your heart out to someone close about your problems, but that’s not our way, okay?
Ladies, we recognize about 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve or lavender is. Or burgundy, for that matter.
Ladies, please don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you’re prepared to discuss sports, cars, bikes, politics, the stock market or the Kingfisher Calendar 2021 models.
Ladies, you have enough clothes to wear. And too many shoes. We have three pairs—brown, black and sneakers, all scuffed.
But, ladies, don’t get me wrong. You make our world go round! Without you, we wouldn’t be here. (And vice versa, but let’s not start another argument.) So let’s celebrate our differences and learn to live happily ever after with each other.
Vive la différence!
Beetashok Chatterjee is the author of ‘Driftwood’, a collection of stories about Life at Sea and ‘The People Tree’, another collection of stories about ordinary people with extraordinary experiences. A retired merchant ship’s captain by profession, this old sea dog lives in New Delhi with his memories of living more than 40 years on the waves.
His books are available on Amazon. Click here.
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