Age is Just a Number

Some time back a friend asked for my postal address. He wanted to send me a book. I like complimentary items, especially books. My friend promised that the book would be of particular interest to me, as it proposed the ideal way of living for the retired folk.

I warned him that except for delivering a passport and collecting Rs.100 in bakshish, no postman had ventured near my home for three years. He admitted to not having seen the endangered species for a while and assured that the book would reach me through the courier service.

My friend, a former senior colleague, must be at least ten years older than me. I recently crossed over to the wrong side of sixty, while he needed another twenty-odd years to become a centenarian. On the other hand, the book was authored as a celebratory recording of its author crossing the 100-year mark. Wow!

The book arrived. I found it amazingly powerful in guiding the reader through the emotions of happiness, eagerness, boredom, and disappointment; in that order. I tossed it aside, and then realisation dawned on me. The author, a postmaster in his heydays, had successfully transmitted the secret of enjoying old age without a postage stamp. I decided to live life to the fullest, and crafted a fresh credo.

Read ahead and gear up to enjoy life as a senior citizen!

• Get up at dawn or 4 am without disturbing others. Frequent clicking of switches, banging of doors, and flushing with the door ajar do not count as a disturbance.
• Play devotional music at low volume. Low volume for you may hover around 20 on most TV sets. Remember, earplugs cause infection and make one look selfish.
• Open and close windows to receive and reject fresh air. Drop things in the effort, pick them up to ensure tidiness, and drop more things in the process. It is the intention that matters, not the results. 
• Call up friends. Speak clearly to ensure that the poor hard-of-hearing souls get the gist without many repetitions. Realise that you have forgotten to press the 'call' button, and convey the message again. Don't repeat everything spoken by them, concentrating on every third word would be sufficient.
• Ignore the protests of the family on being woken up early on a holiday, for they don't know what they are doing.
• Take the newspaper and go for the morning walk. It will come handy when you sit for a while. The family has the whole day to read it.
• Join your friends on a bench. Invent and analyse the shortcomings of your family members and investigate their hidden motives in the group. The Pope and his servant know more than the Pope alone. The good-for-nothing idiots may be able to raise a genuine point for a change. 
• Back home, complain that you never get a piping hot cup of tea. When the tea arrives, allow it to settle down. Piping hot does not mean scalding hot.
• Use others' toothbrush by mistake. Enjoy the difference, and replace the item back in the holder. Feign ignorance if the rightful owner of the brush asks why is it wet.
• Spit on the faucet and on the wall of the washbasin. It will get cleaned due to the force of gravity.
• Support healthy eating. Deep-fried items, non-vegetarian food, and pizza kill. Rummage through the fridge and cupboards to check for these, eat a bit, and spill liberally. It is your responsibility to check how irresponsible can the family be in its food habits.   
• Create the excitement for a good story, and forget the narration halfway.
• Repeat your stories twenty-five times. People have short memories these days.
• Sit on your spectacles and search for them. Retrieve the broken pieces and curse the manufacturer for the poor quality.
• Argue with recorded messages on the telephone. They are so silly!
• Discuss vegetable prices in cocktail parties. A penny saved is a penny earned.
• Express affection. Eat the favourite items of youngsters from their plate.
• Break gas loudly and with gay abandon. You live in a free country.
• Try to pee in the bowl. Flush. Pee again. Try to flush again. Zip up. Pee. No need for flushing.  Come out with a strategically placed newspaper.
• Discuss bowel movements. Delve deep. Exchange views on the texture, consistency, frequency, smell, and overall feel. Only shit is not shit in this otherwise shitty world.
• Read the twenty credos above and try to coin your own.