"Serial" killer!

My mother and I enjoyed watching Hindi serials, because let's face it- they're terrific entertainment. They were so bad, that it was such good fun to watch.

We were experts now, and could predict the storyline. For instance, if wedding rituals were prolonged over a month (four days in preparation for engagement, three days for engagement, two for dancing at the engagement, then three in preparation for the sangeet, two days for sangeet, sometimes there might be some shocks at the sangeet which take another two days....whew....it goes on) we understood the wedding might not happen. There would be a possibility of the wrong bridegroom under the sehra, or the wrong bride (note: evil vamp), as the original bride would be tied up in her room to a plastic chair.  

It wasn't difficult to make out who the "good" people were, or who "bad people, or potentially bad people" would be. Good women in Hindi serials wore blouse with sleeves which covered their entire arms, and had straight perfect hair. The "bad" women on the other hand wore sleeveless blouses and gaudy sarees, and had curly hair. Yes, I'm not joking. This was my Hindi Serial expertise 101. 

So there was this one serial Mom and I were rather absorbed with. In a span of four months, the evil "Debonita" had run amok and had pushed someone's hapless husband off the cliff (don't worry, he came back with a new face), and had tried every possible method of killing his wife, but had failed. Apparently she had taken some "valuable property" too. (That's what serials say when they don't know legal terms). Apart from this, she had created other problems between husbands and wives and tried putting salt in the kheer.  Despite all, I was quite enthralled. 

Anyway so the very special day of the episode came. I ran to watch it eagerly. There was a marathon of a Puja, and then as if in protest my TV switched off. Or rather the set top box did. Clearly it isn't so jingalala.

I almost battered the set top box. "Come on, come on, please work." I muttered. 

Then something rather strange happened. My surroundings grew hazy. Before I knew it...I was being sucked into the TV. The television was probably taking revenge for the ill-treatment of the box. I seemed to be going through a vortex...and after what seemed like ages, my surroundings cleared. I looked around, and almost jumped in shock.

Around thirty people were surrounding me. These thirty people looked vaguely familiar...where had I seen them before?

On television! In that dratted Hindi serial! How could I forget, in Hindi serials thirty people can live under one roof. There was some terrifying music going on in the background....I guessed that the confrontation was in process. There was also some bizarre thunder and lightening effects too.

I managed to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I could have burst out in tears then and there. I was wearing some terribly gaudy saree, with a sleevless shiny blouse. My hair was bizarre and curly, and I had enough eyeshadow to make a Panda feel ashamed.

Somebody was shaking me by the shoulders. I tore my eyes away from my ghastly reflection, to see a man shouting at me. Oh this was the man Debonita had pushed off the cliff. Wow, plastic surgery meant that his height, voice, hair could all change. Oh Hindi serials! 

He ended with the note, "You're a SICK SICK woman!" I am guessing he didn't know more English. 

As if something was forcing my face, I was compelled to look at each family member. The surroundings turned black and white to emphasise shock and horror. I saw tears streaming down the face of everyone, though in some cases, only one tear seemed to be flowing down. Dear god, what bad use of glycerine!

Then...

The angry mother-in law came forward. And...THWACK!
WOW, that was the hardest slap I had ever received in my life! While I was still in pain, she complained of how she had thought of me as a daughter etc, but now she was going to curse me into oblivion...and then she discussed several vague stories from the Mahabharata, and how evil was always exposed. 

"I need ice!" I said, holding my cheek, cutting her short.

Oops, that never happens in the Hindi serial. 

The reaction was hilarious. The thirty people had no idea what to do, they stood around while confused background music continued playing. The music went something like Dhoom...tan tan? (Yes, it had a question mark in it)

Some more people came forward and cursed me. I noticed that I had a bowl of Kheer in my hand. Oh good, something to eat. So while another son decided to tell me how I had destroyed the family, I took a spoon of kheer. 

He stopped talking and looked rather nonplussed. "Go on." I said calmly. 

However, the kheer was terrible. I spat it out. I swear that was uninentional. It tasted of plasticine. 

There was a sharp intake of breath. Now for sure they didn't know what to do. Then the good-wife stepped up and rather stammeringly told me how if you spit out kheer it's a sure sign of villainy.

Wow, I was giving Hindi serials new dimensions and dialogues! 

"How, exactly?" I was a bit confused by the logic.

Clearly she had no response, so she started crying and beating her fists against the floor and breaking her bangles. "It's okay, I'll teach you how to make kheer." I said nervously.

The music in the background reached a crescendo.

She howled even more. The other family members began shuffling their feet. They clearly needed new dialogues.

"I can teach you how to make cheesecake. It's really simple, and not much effort." I said comfortingly. She wiped away her tears, and said hopefully, "I do like cheesecake!"

"Good, then leave your boring family behind and come with me."

Uh oh, the mother-in law came forward. She tried to give me another slap but I ducked. She looked at me angrily and said that the daughter-in-laws of the Virani household don't make cheesecake. 

"But why not, ma?" One of the useless sons said. "I would like blueberry cheesecake for dinner instead of that leftover halwa you serve every day."

The grandfather nodded in agreement. His wife looked shocked. He sad rather sadly and in a far-away tone. "I used to come down to the kitchen and make my own cheesecake. But then she caught me." He glared at his wife. 

"You just killed our serial." The mother-in-law said angrily.

"Oh please, mom. If it's about cheesecake, people over the world might actually want to watch it. What say, Debo?" Good-girl wife asked.

The mother-in-law was appalled at such fluency in English....and at being called "mom".

One of the other women who were usually tucked away at the side and had no dialogues piped up nervously, "Yes let's have a cheesecake party today!"

"You shut up, you're not meant to have dialogues!" the mother-in-law snapped.

Another son said rather nervously, "But, but what about Debonita? She's evil...remember?"

"She knows how to make cheesecake. Whoever knows how to make cheesecake can't be evil." Good-girl wife said simply.

The family complied with this logic, and instantly everyone rushed to make blueberry cheesecakes. 

"Debo, you must have the first slice." one of the uncles said generously.

I took a spoon, and took a huge helping...already to taste...when...

TRRRIIIINGGGGGGG!!

I woke up with a start. Mom looked rather baffled, wondering why I was so scared of a phone call. I told her frantically, "Mom, I was in a Hindi serial, and I made them eat cheesecake!"

Mom sighed. "This is what happens when you go to sleep with eye shadow on. But on the bright side, I have made you cheesecake."

Oh good, something was true.