A thoughtful night

Today was the 19^th day of the month of January and the year 2016. It was around 10 at night.

I was standing on the terrace of the five-storeyed building I live in. The weather was chilling cold which could make you freeze if u stayed outside. I was covered with a cap, a hood, a thick sweater with four more layers of clothes inside, a scarf wrapped around me, and gloves which showed my fingers…but even with all this I could feel the cold breeze sending chills through my body. The cold chilling breeze was making its moves so smoothly and swiftly that it could neither be seen moving the tree leaves nor be heard, but only be felt if you stood still.  My nose was feeling cold and frozen. The sky was not at all clear making all the stars disappear into the night and the moon would show up once in a while. There was fog all around. You could blow air from your mouth and a stream of fog would appear to be coming out.

I looked around and could see trees, houses, streetlights, trees, houses, streetlights, and the sequence went on forever. At certain distances a tall building or two could be seen with huge shadows of tree leaves on them being cast by the yellow streetlights. But there was not a single soul in my vision. The park behind my building which generally serves as a wedding venue was quiet today, though the decorations were still there. It too was filled with only shadows and no soul. I stood at the edge of the balcony and looked down. A single move could end my life there itself in less than a second. “But is it time yet?” I thought.

The world outside me seemed to be at the peak of silence and stillness. But inside there was a storm going on. I was filled with millions of questions whose answers I myself don’t know when or where I can get. Indeed it was a never ending storm of never ending questions. These questions would not let my mind stop thinking. Awake or asleep my mind would keep pondering over these. They made me restless and more and more curious as time passed. I keep looking for their answers in each and everything I confront in life. If I were asked what these questions are about, I would simply say “EVERYTHING”. I realise how much has changed over time and I wonder how much would have changed by tomorrow, or day after or after a week or a month or a year or a decade or a few decades. I don’t even know what would happen the next moment because life has become so unexpected since I started expecting. Would some of my questions have been answered by that time? Or would I still be pondering over them. Is life really too complicated or am I complicating it myself? But what exactly is life? Am I the only one thinking all this or are there people like me too? Why is life such a struggle even though it seems to be plain and simple from someone else’s eye? What difference would it make if I stayed or went away from this Earth?

It has been twenty years since I came to this world, but I wonder whether each day was same or completely different from the previous one. In the past 20 years I have been the same soul as I was when I entered this body. But each day I have been a different person growing each day as dawn turned into dusk.

The more I think the more things get complicated. Life seems to be a paradox to me. Maybe I’ll never be able to understand it. Or maybe it is just not meant to be understood it at all.