Confession of Desires

It’s 9.00 in the morning. Astha is offering prayer in her Pooja Room. Suddenly, the door bell rings. While chanting mantras, she comes out of the Pooja room and opens the door. Her maid Malti is standing there. Astha just gives her a look with a smile and turns her back towards her. She continues chanting and moves forward towards Pooja room. Malti comes inside closing the door behind her.

They both rapt themselves in their work, Astha in prayers and Malti in her daily household chores. Almost after 20 minutes, Astha comes out of pooja room. She looks for Malti, who is applying broom on the floor. Astha offeres her prayers to the sun from balcony and comes inside the room. This time Malti is in another room.

Almost 30 minutes passed.

“Malti chai peeyegi, bana rahi hun.” Astha asks Malti from the kitchen. She asks again thinking that she must not have listened to her voice. No response. She pours water with ginger in the pan and puts it on gas to give it a boil. She moves towards the room where Malti is working. “Malti chai peeyegi……..” she only has uttered these words but looking at her she just left her mouth open. She comes near to her “ Oh!my god. Aaj phir se. Aur aaj toh had ho gayi kitna mara h usne. Tu kyun sehti h usko. Chod kyun nahi deti uss aadmi ko”.

Malti inhales a deep breath and starts crying. “Didi kya karun. Kabhi kabhi to mann karta hai ki ya toh uski jaan le lun ya apni, par bacche ka muh dekh kar ruk jati hun. Woh toh sochta nahi hai kisi k baare mein - na mere na bacche ke. Agar maine bhi ……isme mere bacche ka toh koi dosh nahi hai. Sara paisa daru mein laga deta hai, udhaar leta hai aur phir mahine ke akhir mein mujh se paisa mangta hai. Didi main kahan se laun  itna paisa. Do chaar gharon mai kaam karti hun toh itna milta h ki rashan aajaye aur jaise taise kharcha chale. Lakin wo ……” she starts crying again. Astha puts her hand on her back to sympathise with her. “ab kya hua?” She asks Malti.

“Didi kal phir se paisa manga. Main kahan se deti? Maine bola sab toh ghar kharch mein khatam ho gaya. Abhi bhi mahine ke do din bache hain. Mujhse bola ki kal advance mang kar la. Maine bola tu khud to kuch karta nahi hai aur mujhse advance lene ko kahta hai…toh mujhko @##$%^^^gali de kar bola ki tujhko bhej raha hun na sone ke liye, woh kam hai kya.”

With that, she takes deep hiccups and starts crying. Astha pulls her into her arms. Malti is crying and in between Astha instructs her to stand up and makes her sit on a ‘muda’ near the kitchen. She pours some water in the glass and offers her to drink. There is only noise of Malti’s crying hiccups. Astha could not ask her more and starts making tea for both of them. She offers her tea and some biscuits. “Chai pee aur thoda shant ho ja.” Astha says to Malti.

Almost after 20 minutes…

“ Malti, chal police main complaint karte hain.” 

“Nahi didi….usse kuch nahi hoga. Mere mohalle se aise log roz police station jate hai. Aur agle din unki hi biwi unko chudwa kar le aati ha. Didi…wo marta hai gali deta hai ….par jab wo R##@@ jaisi gali deta hai na toh jayada bura lagat hai. Tab toh mann karta hai ki sach mein main yahi karne lag jaun. Waise bhi wo kon sa kabhi mere sharir  aur man ki iccha ke baare mein sochta ha. Uski jab iccha hoti ha tab bina kuch dekhe soche …..par didi meri bhi toh apni kuch icchaein hain. Sach mein didi kabhi-kabhi toh itna gussa aata hai ki man karta hai ki wo jo kahta ha usko sach kar dun. Hum gareeb auraton ki jindagi badthar hai. Didi kam se kam jo aurat bazaar me baithi hai wo apni marzi se to apna sharir use kar rahi hai hum toh wo bhi nahi kar sakte aur bina matlab ke badnam hote hain.”

“Nahi malti isme teri nahi uski kami hai. Balki aadmi ki kami hoti hai jab usko aurat ko kamjor karne ko kuch nahi milta na toh wo uska Character Assassination matlab uske upar lanchan lagata hai ki wo bahar ja kar galat kam karti ha. Admi bahar ja kar khud kitna bhi galat kare ya khud ki biwi ke sath kuch bhi kare usko kuch nahi kahte log par aurat agar izzat ki naukri karti ha toh uss par shak kiya jata ha “

“Didi….sach bolun”

And then there is silence for a minute.

Malti starts again.

"Didi bachpan se hi main badi sundar rahi thi. Sundar hi nahi ek acche sudol sharir ki malkin bhi thi. Ek se ek admi mere aage peeche ghoomta tha, mujh par jaan chidkta tha, didi, hum gareeb nahi the. Main bhi aapke jaise hi ek acche parivaar ki beti hun. Mera pati mera padosi tha, mujhse 4 saal bada, jo actor banna chahta tha. Mujhme bhi usne wahi lalach jaga diya. Hum dono ghar se bhag aaye. Yahan kaam ke chakar me usne mujhe kuch logo se milne ko kaha toh main taiyar ho gayi . Sach bolun didi tab jawaani ka josh bhi tha aur apne sharir ka ghamand bhi. Pehli baar mei mujhe sex karna accha laga. Mujhe maza aaya. Uske badle paise bhi mile. Par kaam nahi. Par jawaani thi didi haath mein paisa aaya toh husn ka ghamand aur badh gaya…ab toh jaise lat lagti ja rahi thi. Didi badi baat yeh ki mujhe koi dukh nahi tha, koi sharm nahi thi, koi ghin nahi thi khud se. Aur mera pati, tab wo pati nahi tha, wo bhi mujhe aur chadhata mujhse usko paisa jo mil raha tha. Saath hi wo bhi mere saath sone laga tha. Didi mujhe kisi ke saath sex karne se koi parhej nahi tha……kunki ab mujhe thoda bahut kaam bhi milne laga tha. Tabhi mujhe ek din pata chala ki main pregnant hun. Maine apne pati ko bataya usne gali di par mujhe saath hi chup rahne ko bhi kaha. Usne muje abortion karne ko kaha par pata nahi kyun mai iss baat ke liye bilkul tayar nahi thi. Usne mujhe bade lalach diye par main nahi maan rahi thi. Ab kuch baatein main bhi samajh chuki thi. toh maine apna rate badha diya. Jyada paisa aata dekh mere pati ko bhi lalach aaya aur usne mujhse shaadi karne ki  iccha jahir ki. Didi mai usse bachpan se pyar karti thi. Toh maine mana nahi kiya phir hamari shaadi ho gayi.

Didi mujhe pata tha ki jab tak mera paet  nahi dikhta tab tak hi mere paas mauka hai paisa kamane ka toh maine ab grahak bhi badha diye. Aur paise jama karne bhi shuru kiye. 6 mahine aaye jab mera paet samne aaya toh jo maine socha tha wahi hua. Didi sab grahak apni jhuti izzat ki khatir peeche hat gaye. Jabki maine toh kabhi kisi par koi ilzam nahi lagaya tha. Par main taiyyar thi. Didi par ek sahab shayad wo mujhse pyar karne lage the. Unhone mujhe nahi choda aur main jati rahi unke paas.”

She stops for a while to look at Astha “Didi main apko yeh sab bata rahi hun toh ab apko mujhse nafrat ho rahi hogi. Ab aap bhi mujh par shak karogi main janti hun didi aur aap apni jagah sahi bhi ho. Par pata nahi kyun main aaj apse apna dard aur apni kahani kahna chahati hun. Didi iss ek saal mein apne mujhe izzat aur pyar dono diya h. Mujhe maloom hai ki iske baad mera aapka rishta nahi rahega par mann par ek bhoj hai aaj aapse baant rahi hun toh shayad kuch dard aur saja kam ho jaye.”

Astha remains quiet. She just gives a glancing look to Malti and again starts peeling vegetables.

Malti starts again, as by now she is much aware of the meaning of her silence. “Didi phir mera beta ho gaya. Mere pati ko ghar baithe aish se khane aur peene ko mil raha tha uski toh maje se kat rahi thi. Mera sharir bhi ab thoda bedhol ho gaya tha toh logo ka interest bhi kam ho gaya tha. Par wo shahab wo shahab peeche nahi hatte the. Ek baar maine unse pucha ki sab log peeche hat gaye par aap ab bhi mujhe hi kyun bulate ho toh unhone mujhe bola ki jis din unhone mujhe pahli baar dekha tha unhe uss din se hi mujhse pyar ho gaya tha. Par jab bhi unhone mujhe mere pati ke saath dekha toh  unhone meri nazar mein uske liye pyar dekha. Pyar didi ye shabd to main bhool hi gayi thi itne salon mei. Wo mujhse pyar karte hain iss liye wo mujhe apne paas chahte the wo mujhse shaadi bhi karna chate the par….m meri bewakufi dekho didi maine yeh baat apne pati ko bata di. Usko koi fark nahi padta kynki usko mujhse paisa mil raha tha. Didi teen saal isse hi beet gaye mera aur un sahab ka sambhand ab kareebi ho gaya tha ki ek din unhone mujhe bataya ki wo ab door desh ja rahe hain. Unhone mujhe saath chalne ko kaha par maine unko bola jaise aap mujhko pyar karte ho main mere pati ko pyar karti hun. Aap jayein sahab aur ek nayi duniya basaiyn. Wo kya gaye meri toh jaise badkismati laut aayi thi. Ab koi nahi tha mujhe paisa dene wala. Pati toh pahle se hi nikamma tha aur beta ab bada ho raha tha. Mujhme unn sahab k pyar ne ek badlav toh aa gaya tha ki ab sex se paisa kamane ki iccha nahi rahi thi. Maine ghar ghar kam manga aur phir ek din ek agency ne apke ghar bhej diya. Didi uss din socha tha ki imandaari se mehnat se jindagi jeeungi.

Aur aap janti ho maine wo kiya bhi.

Par didi mera pati wo nahi badla. Jis jism ki badolat usko aish karne ki aadat ho gayi thi usne ussi par shak karna shuru kar diya tha. Usne toh mujh se kabhi pyar kiya hi nahi didi. Par main uske pyar main…….par shayad mujhe bhi pyar nahi tha usse. Sach bolun didi aaj sab sach man khol dene ka man kar raha h .h

Didi jab jab mere pati ne mujhko chua mai un sahab ko sochti thi aur …….unka chera unka jism mere samne hota tha. Maine kabhi apne pati se sex nahi kiya hamesha unke sath hun, yeh soch kar kiya. Aur ek din mere muh se unka naam nikal gaya aur tab se lekar aaj tak ………”

A long pause.

“Didi lekin mujhe koi sharmindagi nahi hai. Kya diya mujhe mere pati ne, meri jindagi ne, maine jab bhi isse sharafat se jina chaha mujhe maar aur dhokha mila. Jab bhi wo kabhi mujhe gali deta hai na toh sach mein man karta ha uss purani duniya mein laut jane ka jahan main jo karti thi man se karti thi. Kyun kya mera sharir sirf dusron ke liye bana ha. Kya iski apni kuch icchaein nahi hain. Un sahab ke baare mein sochti hun toh laga kitna pyar diya tha unhone izzat mili thi unse didi. Kitni baar wo bina chuye sirf mujhse baate karke bhej dete the. Toh agar maine sex karte waqt unke baare main socha to kya galat kiya. Didi sirf ek wo hi ek wajah hain jo mere kadam rok dete hai wapas uss duniya main jane ko. Pyar kya hai unse sikha ha. Issi  liye apne pati se apne hisse ka pyar nibha rahi hun.”

Malti wants to stand up but looses balance. She looks at Astha who was busy in her doing. Malti knows that she is upset over the revelation of her’s. She tries to stand up again. She silently does all the work.

Almost after an hour.

“Didi main ja rahi hun”

There’s a silence in the house. Like everything has stopped over the revelation of Malti. Does it really matter? Why is Astha so silent and disappointed with her facts? And that too when she thinks that she is a feminist. Where is her part of feminism gone? Is it only for the elite or the distanced people or just for social recognition?

“Didi darwaza band kar lena main ja rahi hun.”

“Kal jaldi aa jaio, mujhe bank jana h.” Astha walks towards the door while saying this.

“Didi, aap bahut aachi ho. Didi mujhe maaf kar do. Didi mujhpe bharosa karo main koi galat kaam nahi karungi.”

“Arre pagal. Ro mat main samjh sakti hun tune kitna kuch saha h. Isme teri galti nahi ha. Yeh sab galti hamare samaj ki hai. Aadmi kuch bhi kare kahin bhi jaye. Aurat ko maare, uski baijati kare, usko sataye, uss par khud ko thope toh sab sahi hai. Par agar aurat apni marzi se ek bhi pal ji le toh wo galat hai…kulta hai, charitraheen hai. Nahi tune kuch galat nahi kiya hai. Tujhe teri khushian pane ka pura haq hai. Aur rahi tujh par bharose ki baat baat toh maine iss ek saal main tujhe dekha hai. Aur waise bhi kabhi taali ek haath se nahi bajti. Sahi mein ek ka haath ho sakta hai par galat usme kabhi bhi ek insaan jimmedaar nahi hota.

Apne ko dard dena khud ko bura kahna band kar. Aur jee apni jindagi jo apne tareeke se apni soch se. Tu aurat hai aur tujhe bhi apni har khushi pane ka haq hai. Aur haan ab uski maar khane ki jaroorat nahi hai tu man bana le jab tu kahegi main bhi chalungi tere saath. Ek baar police ke dande khayega toh sudhar jaye. Saari daru utar jayegi uski.”

A loud laugh surrounds the foyer. They both look into each other eyes. Malti’s eyes saying thanks to Astha and Astha’s giving an assurance to Malti that everything will be fine. Malti has a new shine in her eyes and Aastha learnt a new lesson of life.