3rd December of 2025, another birthday and Year gone by. Completed 42 years on earth. Living and still learning.

It's very recently  I learnt about myself, a lot about 'Me'.

Who I - am, was, might be, want to be. What I want,what I feel, what I like ,what I dislike. What is easy, what is tough, what is rough. What is acceptable what is not.  Boundaries......and I can go on and on. But imagine,a while ago none of this was in my vocabulary! Was I blissfully ignorant? Was I not mature enough? Lack of knowledge, awareness and wisdom? Was that better or is this?

I wonder how many of you have realised yourself gotten to know yourself, have started finding yourself this late in life.

When troubles come they flood you. It's as though there's no end and you feel you are drowning but actually don't. That's the worst feeling. I wish I drowned, I wish the water took me into its depth and I never showed up on the surface ever again. I was depressed and it's not like medicines and therapy cure you. It comes and goes. At other times I skillfully swam and managed to hold on climb up and stay safe. Right now that's where I am.

Is it me or every woman who has n number of phases every month. More phases than the moon too. Full enthusiastic vibe, to feeling ugly,worthless,unfit,unworthy, and then a zillion ideas amd ways to do do just about everything and then also the phase of cleaning ,deep cleaning and tidying up like theres no tomorrow, a time when anything to everything makes me cry and then the one where I love my life ,everyone in it and everything about it. These feelings gs,thoughts,moods whatever one may term it as come and go like clouds in the sky. Some scattered, some huge ones some dark and grey while some are just perfect! 

There are things I've thought of doing for months, they turned into years many forgotten with time and some still top of my list. 

And as I said now I that stage where I've survived the flood and come out,I managed to take that trip on my own no family, no agenda, no demands, no requests. Just me with 9 days in hand and where I said to myself what Kajol was told all those years ago in DDLJ...' Ja simian Ja jewelery apni zindagi!' Yes I told myself that and I did it. Nothing like the way she spent her days though! Actually I pretty much did nothing but for me it was everything. 

Maybe that trip will find you soon ,another read down the line. 

I've always written poems. It's strange that I begin writing after long very long gaps. Well guess that's my style! Or is it some major event ,milestone or change that brings me back to writing. 2014, 2021, and now 2026!

This has been a very random piece. I started off with something else as the topic but didn't even reach there. So I guess there is more coming up in the days to come, hopefully won't take years!

I began with the title -'Being Mom', but after I finished, I changed it.