Love by Emotions... Not by Default

Life has come to standstill. Life? Can I call it a life? A body breathing can be termed as alive but what about soul. My soul is lost. Love gives pain, a lot of pain, unbearable pain, yet you don’t know how and what to do. What is my fault? That I loved selflessly, that I surrendered myself to a person without seeking anything in return. I tried my best. I forgot myself. And that is the biggest mistake I did. Loving someone doesn’t mean forgetting your own self. I know that we are poles apart but still hope prevails that love still binds both of us. It’s not easy to forget the person to whom you have given your 10 precious years and then move on saying ‘It doesn’t matter’. It matters, it matters to the extent of my existence, of being me, of the efforts I have put in this relationship, of everything I have till now, and in return demand I only one thing LOVE AND RESPECT.

Sitting in my balcony, my heart never seemed to remain tranquil even for a moment. Wait? A wait I know deep within never going to fructify. A wait that has always given me pain, but my heart is still waiting for a single line from his side.

It has been 3 days since I left his house, emotionally shattered and physically hurt. It’s not that we haven’t had quarrels and tiffs before; it was always me being a silent observer and agreeing with everything for the sake of my marriage and my child, Rohit. But this time, the lid blew up and all my angst spilled over for it had been bottled for so long. Probably his revelation that he is there for me for the sake of his parents and to keep the marriage alive has made my existence ‘negligible’ in my own eyes. Do two persons have to live like in hell just because they are married? Does my existence only matter because I am his wife as bounded by societal norms, not because he has got any emotions for me? I asked him, if I hadn’t been his wife would he have still cared for me, has he ever felt any love, respect or emotions for the person, Shalini, instead of Mrs. Makhija? Do I have a standing in his life? What if I die today, will he miss me?

He was point blunt.

“If you want to die, go to some other place, don’t do all this nautanki in my house.”

My concerns were nautanki for him. I don’t know when but somehow that my inner demon was asking me to face the reality and decide where this was all going for me.

“Ok, if you think this way, let me leave your house. I will wait for my answers.”

The deep anger, anguish, and pain had marred all my senses and I was mechanically packing my bag, starting first with Rohit’s stuff and clothes.

“Rohit will not go.”

What?

“Look Sameer, enough I want to take a decision. I want to ascertain my position in your life. I wanted to sit and discuss, but you hurt me so much that I need to resurrect myself. I can’t live without Rohit. I will take Rohit along.”

As I held Rohit’s hand, I was blatantly pushed aside. As I stood up and tried reaching for Rohit, a hit came, another hit came... “You idiot women, how dare you take my child? Just get away from our lives.”

I don’t remember what happened after that. I probably picked my handbag, phone and left the house in the same clothes without any luggage, not knowing where to go.

After a time, when I recovered my senses from whatever has happened, I found myself sitting in a local train, destination even I didn’t knew. I searched for my phone and called the company guesthouse. Thankfully it was available and I could get it booked for myself as temporary residence for some days.

Though I left his house, he never enquired about me, whether I am dead or alive. Whether I am safe or not? Where I am staying? It didn’t affect him the way it affected me. I was concerned for Rohit. Also I was not sure if some of my words might have hurt him, I was feeling a hint of guilt in me.

After having a terrible fight with my own self, I messaged him,

“Sameer, I am fine, don’t worry. Sorry, if I have said anything, it was never intended. Pls let me talk to Rohit. Missing You and Rohit, Pls call back, Luv.”

Two and a half have passed since I pressed that sent button, I have checked my phone every second, for him, for his reply, for his single sentence, “please come back, I need you.”

But my blank screen stares at me, pointless as my own directionless life.

I willed myself not to check my phone, to see if he had replied. It had been about three days now. I hated that I was constantly checking his 'last seen at' status and yes, he had logged in just five minutes ago. Yet I couldn't stop myself. This sinking feeling to find absolutely no communication from him was becoming unbearable, almost torturous. And then, just as I sat down in my chair, my phone vibrated. With my heart thudding in my ear, I unlocked my phone and stared at the screen. Finally! It was his message. But when I opened it and read it, I nearly stopped breathing. I didn't know if he was joking or not. What was this?

It was his message finally, as brief and void as his emotions for me. “Shalini, Rohit is fine with me, it’s your wish if you want to come back, no pressure from our side. We will be fine.” From this nanosecond of a phone beep to my trembling fingers checking the message, I have lived a dozen lives; flashback of each and every event came alive. I glanced briefly at the scar on the left elbow, it might have been mitigated but still remains fresh in my heart.

Sameer and I had many differences on personal level. For me, relationships and my emotions keep me surviving whereas he is practical enough to brush aside his emotions and be like a mechanised robot. Somewhere I was having hope that love could change something and that my love will surely bring back the real Sameer to me. I didn’t peruse my professional career as I wanted to be a good wife, waiting to open door for him when he returns from his work, wanted to make best of food for him, wanted to chatter my daylong events to him and willed to listen all about him. I wanted to sleep next to him within his arms, and in this small peaceful world of mine, no quarrels, mo misunderstanding no ruckus is allowed, only love and belonging. But the reality was not really that. Sameer didn’t look at me whenever I opened door for him, I wanted to give him a tight hug but he remained consumed with his cellphone. I would make tea, which he will have with his BBC news, without seeking his wife’s knowbouts. I would wait for him at dinner but he will inform me of having it late while working on his laptop till late at night. I long for his company but he didn’t seem to notice. Then he goes to long tours on sudden notice. His time of coming or going never remains known to me. To overcome my unrest and deep sense of my failing in my relationship, I took up a long demanding job that keeps me engaged till late night, so that I can never think of him. I thought probably a little distance from me would bring back the intimacy and he will soon realise the importance of my presence, but nothing like that happened. I crushed my emotions and became a mechanised robot myself, working day and night, suppressing my feelings and then come home and sleep, exhausted and tired. On my birthday and anniversaries, let alone celebrate, he didn’t even remember it and I couldn’t see any point in making him remember when he doesn’t believe in such things. Time went by for 5 years. Though I, apparently, am a different person now, successful in my career and Sameer also seems happy, that now I don’t complain much, but I know somewhere the life that I want to live, to give love and feel loved, someone to call my own. After my persistent persuasion, Sameer agreed and I got the first smile of my life when I had Rohit in my hands. I felt like a creator. My baby, his little hands and fingers, his sparse hair, his pinkish cheeks, all born inside me. My life has got my first achievement. I left my work and start raising my bundle of joy. Though I consumed myself with my home and baby, nothing seems to be fine between us. We are two different souls living under same roof, indifferent towards each other lives. Though my soul bleeds, I am helpless and didn’t get any response from Sameer.

And now after that day, everything seemed to have ended. The harsh reality which I have tried to avoid for long finally came knocking my door. His reply has said it all, my place in his life.

Somehow my heart knew of his reply, only it wasn’t ready to accept it. But why? Marriage is not about binding, it’s about realisation of being together. But what will happen to Rohit. He is just 5. He will he understand. I tried to adjust to everything, portrayed a successful marriage and a happy family. I didn’t want him to go through a patchy relationship and broken promises.

I sat on my chair, and closed my eyes, Do you still love him? My inner demon asked me. There can’t be any if’s and but’s, only yes or no. She won’t let me rest until I answer honestly. My emotions are just a reciprocation of what I have received from the other person. I love my husband, the father of my child but not Sameer. I love the titles this relationship had given him but not the soul. His passive attitude has marred all emotions in me and now I have got nothing left for him. Probably he was right that day. We both love each other because of the titles this marriage has given us, of being husband and wife, but we have never loved the person within. Does love work that way? Do I have to love my husband by default even when I couldn’t find any emotions in him? Is it love by emotions or by default?

A newfound strength in me made me listen to my heart, perhaps for the first time in my life. I picked up the phone and started writing a mail:

" Sameer,

I hope someday you can understand the women in me. We were married as two unknown persons, but I still selflessly loved you. But I am still unsure about my place in your life. The women in me has vanished. Marriage is not about having sex or kids, or being an armcandy in parties and functions, it’s about knowing a person inside out. For all these years, I yearned two minutes of conversation from your side for to know how I am, what I like and dislike, what I want. Somehow I am tired of this mechanical relationship and want to move on. Love is a beautiful emotion and I still believe in it and continue to keep believing but I can’t come to you just to keep your house and your kid. I want to come to you as a person whom you love and miss when I am not around, and as a person you want in your life. It took you three days to reply back to me, but Sameer, relationship don’t work that way. Though my every bit wanted to come back to my home, to the person whom I loved but then… it will be an injustice to inner me. Then I will be cheating and pretending to be happy when I m not. The day you hit me, something in me had died; my respect and pride for you had been broken. Lets shed this tag called marriage and let us explore ourselves. Probably you haven’t loved me for a single second in your life and that is the truth that neither had you admitted nor I had accepted till now, but now let me be mature enough to handle the harsh realities rather than being ignorant towards them.

I am safe and happy where I am. I hope Rohit is doing fine. No matter what has happened he will always remain my son who gave me extreme happiness and pride of being called a mother. He is now mature enough to understand his mom in a better way. Whether he wants to live with you or me is completely his decision only. I won’t ever come back to your life again. You are free from my side, no bondage upon you. Do whatever makes you happy. I have found my own path, not with you but with my own happiness and my own free will.

Give my love to Rohit, Mumma Loves him most in the world.

Take Care.

Shalini."

I fight with my tears and hit the ‘send’ button. I don’t know what I will do without Rohit and Sameer, but I can’t return to my marriage just for the sake of keeping it. I challenged my own emotions. Love should be by emotions, not by default to the person you married. Love is a much layered emotion and it’s true that with the passage of time, in all these years of longing and giving, I have lost myself. I want to live, love, fly, breathe and sense that i am living. I don’t need a tagline of a husband or a family to keep my identity.

I opened the window of the balcony and breathe in the fresh air. Deep within, I had finally found peace, tranquility. When you are on own, at least you don’t give others the power to hurt or betray you. I switched on my favourite piece of music, I found my rhythm, my fingers started tapping on the wood rail and my feet started gyrating on a musical number. I danced like a child. When did i forget that I love dancing and singing? I opened my laptop, wallpaper of Rohit flashed, I smiled… I will always love Rohit whether I am with him or not. No one can snatch my bond with him. There are many unfinished tasks in my wishlist. Meeting old friends that I forgot to visit, catching my favourite movie, cooking my favourite food, styling myself in new fashion and above all setting up my own home. Hmm… a ball came, falling in my balcony. I leaned. Kids making noise and playing cricket. A child may be 6, who looked like my Rohit, came forward, smiled and asked, “Aunty, please give our ball,” in his sweet little tone. A drop of tear came down, uncalled and uninvited. Who says love is not beautiful. It is right there in its sweetest form, in smiles and carelessness of these kids, ever-giving smiles. Not a hint of pain in their sweet little world. I lifted the ball and threw it to them; their game started, I smiled. Life has many reasons to smile and yes Love is beautiful... I still feel so.

*****