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So I found myself sitting there purely confounded. I felt like I had known her all my life. Moreover something told me deep down inside that our love had no beginning and no end. That scary feeling that's comfortable to a large degree: belonging to someone. That sense of belonging would later lead me to be bounded to her. Mystified by the strange melody of love, perfect moments, priceless smiles, and unforgettable kisses. All burned into my memory like they happened just yesterday; 5 minutes ago, just now even. Feeling the past, present, and future all blur together while being in real love silently guiding both of us into being different people. Simply consumed with each other. Invisible puzzle pieces becoming fused to one another, from the other. Slowly becoming one person called: Us, or We. No longer individual but only identified together. Love likewise secretly changing us into one entity sharing a singular energy. It was simply magic, there's no other way to explain it with any justice.
A little background for you: We met each other because of a literary mistake that I was in the process of making. I was writing a biography of a mutual friend and I was gathering content for the book and one day he told me about Savanna. I heard some stories about their dealings together and naturally I messaged her out of common curiosity and a literary material need.
The first message I sent her was professional and to the point. I needed content for the book and I wanted to use her stories with the main character. However, I did think that she was really pretty, even beautiful when I first messaged her. At the time I was so burnt out on women because of what a woman had previously done to me just months before. Totally burn me in more ways than one.
As this is being written over 9 months after we initially met we have exchanged over 5,000+ messages between Facebook and SMS texting. You see, in the early part of our getting to know each other we flirted with memes and trolling. After awhile she joined some of the Facebook groups I was in and had fun with me online raising hell through all matters of chaos. She learned to DISCO or much rather be Discordian with me. We had an amazing amount of fun and laughs together. It personified that feeling of knowing her my entire life. Just naturally clicking in all the right ways was the beginning of our friendship.
Flirting back and forth through texting and thinking up a way to meet each other I finally decided on inviting her to a nearby pool. So I did. Sending her a picture of the pool and inviting her to come relax and talk to me pool side was the plan. That night I went out walking to get some beers and she arranged picking me up at 4210 North Roan at the Wallgreens there. My laptop was blasting the 9th Symphony when Savanna and her friends finally showed up. Feeling a bit like Thompson I just told myself: "Buy the ticket, take the ride." Knowing right then and there that even hanging out with her could be dangerous; I did it anyway, and made it out feeling a little more alive than I already was. Her energy bounced off of me just like mine did with her.
So it was a quarter after 10pm by the time that we had met up and that first meeting lasted until 3-4am in the morning. She jumped right in the pool and was the only person swimming... I was amazed by her energy and zest for life. Her good mood and demeanor was making me jealous. I walked up to where she was at on the side of the pool and she passed me weed right out of her bikini top. I immediately felt special for some reason and I admit that the weed was probably the best I had ever smoked just because it came from her.
These things of course happened before she made me repeatedly want to marry her and likewise feel like a married man. It was her sense of humor, carefree nature, free-spirited ways of looking at things, hopefulness, kindness, generosity, loving candor, honesty and everything else I'm leaving out that made me love her more and more each day in secret. It wasn't until the third time that she visited the pool with me that we would share beers downstairs, half-way watch a movie, troll the internet and post "Supreme Gentleman" memes that it happened.
Her version of it goes like this in her own words:
Let us rewind from now and give you some insight to how this absolute love began. He waited anxiously by the phone for her call. Butterflies in his stomach as he took her call, she was almost there. He walked towards the pool wearing his backpack trying to find what he would say when she arrived.
They met outside the pool they had met at a few times before. He smiled – her heart soared and she felt like she was floating on air. To her he looked so perfect, his smile so intoxicating, his voice oh so sweet. The door to the pool area wouldn't open the way it would have every other time they wanted to pass through. High pitched uncontrollable screams and every excited feeling in the entire universe burst through her mind her first thought was: "Maybe finally I'll get that invite to his place!" He tried the door again and while doing so a strange lady with a small white dog approached them asking questions like: "Who are you?", "Do you have a key?", and "Should I call the cops?" After the lady had finally said the magic word "Cops" they decided against going into the pool.
"Come on Savanna, follow me, lets go..." he said. In her head she screamed thank you crazy old lady! Thank you universe! She knew she had finally done it! She thought, "I am going to get to see his house! I am going to to get to cuddle with him tonight! I know it!" She felt as if she should say "Anywhere!" when he said "Follow me..." She felt alive for once in her life. Comfortable as she was happy being herself.
The basement, The TV, The Facebook, The Supreme Gentleman. The two of them alone smiling and laughing... falling in love. As it grew late he did invite her to his room to cuddle for the night. To her greatest pleasure on the conditions:
"No funny business until there are real feelings... okay?"
"Just cuddles is that okay?"
He smiled at her as she agreed to his conditions... secretly she wanted him so bad, so strongly like she never had with anyone before but she just wanted him to hold her at least so she agreed and followed him to his room.
What happened next...
It was abnormally natural. Good sweet intentions had filled the air like magnolias racing down a waterfall. I made it clear to her that I was hiding my feelings until I scoped her up and pulled her closer to me. She was so magnetic with me at that point. Our lips were speaking to one another and we began making love with our whole bodies. There was no thrusting, just kissing – connectedness, emotional vibrations so strong that it threw her into an orgasmic bliss. Never having an orgasm with such little movement and so much emotion fueling it. Her sexual history making that last line a true sign she was really in love with me. She had never felt this way before she said; being 30 that says a lot about love. I felt like I had lost my virginity and at the same time felt like I was connected to her for what felt like forever. It was as if both of us had finally tasted what it was like to really make love. The distance between our bodies, and souls grew to negative zero. In that moment our hearts, minds, and souls became one. Whether we wanted to admit it or not – we were connected at a distance that no longer would separate us. We had become one with each other and it would take us several months to really figure out what love spell we had just became part of.
The following morning we woke up holding each other It felt more than natural. It felt right. It felt like we were meant to be together. We walked out of the bedroom and feared nothing. I could tell that she wasn't even the slightest bit nervous. It was so perfect. She called for a ride to meet her up the road so I walked her to the door and kissed her goodbye for now...
That was the first time that I would get that familiar feeling of her making me want to marry her. She shouldn't have had to go anywhere without me. I wanted that to change. I was hooked on her. I didn't just have a girlfriend – I had a soul mate. This notion would turn my world upside down for months while I struggled to grasp what the universe had given me: a mate.
Savanna, that wonderful she... had the same kind of sense of humor I had. When I first talked to her on the phone it was over an hour long conversation. She told me about playing all kinds of pranks, mischief making, partying, and so on. The kind of raw and edgy dry sense of humor that people like Lewis Black and every Discordian would understand. She even joined me in trolling people, groups, and each other. We just had fun. Lots of it.
Connecting with one another in an authentic way, avoiding unhealthy isolation was just standard for us. She was exactly who she claimed to be. I admire her honesty and transparency. On top of that she's one of the boldest people I've ever met. She demonstrates with confidence and courage that doing what is right will bring ultimate victory regardless f present opposition in her life. The way she regarded her friends was likewise admirable. She exhibited a kinship and cheerful disposition to render help because of a relationship of family quality. Not biological but like mindedness in a group called the "Rainbow Family." I for one thought her friends were interesting but of course not as interesting as her.
After I had met a few hippies, sorcerers, traveling kids (as they're commonly called) and good Rainbow Family we had a kind of cool down break. It was a rainy stormy night and she had made tea for us. I'd never drank such amazing tea before. It was truly a delight. On top of this – we had already got around to making a jokingly crafted "Boyfriend / Girlfriend Agreement" and in it "Reading a new book every week" was a rule. So, keeping to the agreement Savanna introduced me to a Palmistry book. It was so cute. We both delved into the book trying to unlock the secrets our palms were hiding from us. We stretched out on the bed and figured out the book for hours. Talking about a vast array of things was our style. Always talking to each other was just so natural it seems abnormal when I really stop to think about it.
That same night she danced outside in the rain while it struck lightening all around us. The wind was howling, the sky was flickering with bolts of lightening and the thunder was crashing all around us. But where was Savanna? Outside bouncing and twirling around in the rain barefooted and in a dress... As I stood in the door way just admiring her pure warmheartedness I began to fall even more in love with her...
What about the title anyways? Why is it "Love Likewise,” why not "Likewise in Love" or even "Lovewise." This is where I tell you why. Shortly after we had made the boyfriend and girlfriend agreements... one night she said it. She told me that she loved me. Not knowing what to say in the moment I said: "Likewise" because I truly felt the same way. Love for her was inside of me growing and getting it out was going to be hard for me because of how skeptical my mind is. And so began the phases of testing each others love for one another. Nowadays we live by this simple rule: To proclaim the truth with sincerity and frankness in all situations (except romantic surprise scenarios). Back then though, things were a little different.
I tested her with hope that the feeling that my deepest desire will be realized and that events will turn out for the best. That desire to be lucky in love with her was on my mind all the time. Even when I would go back to my house after days of staying with her – I missed her instantly. Not only that but the missing her kept growing. I had to text her, call her, be near her. It just escalated until I finally asked to live with her. She made me feel lucky then just like she does now. So wonderfully lucky and hopelessly in love. ~ Forevermore.
Having the initiative to recognize and do what needs to be done before she even asked me to do it just came naturally. After living together we became an even more finely tuned couple. Knowing each other inside and out – just wonderful, abounding in joy, jubilation and overall cheerfulness. So happy and the greatest thing is it wasn't forced, ohh but no. It all came natural.
I really loved her style. She has the ability that came with it to let that which truly doesn't matter: slide. Not many people are like that especially in the 21st century. Savanna was rare, and I knew that from the start. She is special and even until this day I know that I don't deserve her. I can never be good enough to be with her so I count every day with her as a blessing and a gift from the universe. Imagining life without her is a hellacious horror story that I'm not even willing to fathom. Each day after telling her "Likewise" to Love I fell in love with her a little more. Finding myself loving her more on a daily basis was driving me crazy and I was starting to write poetry because of her....
Beauty is and Beauty Does:
Beauty is
and
beauty does.
And I love
her just because.
She's so
beautiful
to me...
She's the
only star
I see...
Shortly after we were in love the trials of life and the pains of money befell us. We had had so much fun and had forgotten all about the money issues of life. What I mean by this is that rent was way overdue and neither one of us were responsible enough to pay it. Eventually we overcame the dilemma but it wasn't easy. After helping her move all her stuff into a storage building on the count that she was getting evicted I wanted to make money so bad to pay for her rent. I never in my entire life wanted to help someone out with money like I wanted to help her out with it. Needless to say we went job hunting together and by the striking of luck found a job together! We were working together but we couldn't make it public at the place of business on the count that they might fire us for being in a relationship. So we worked together as "Friends" at Kentucky Fried Chicken. While she was living in a hotel temporarily we were working together. We saved up enough money to get an apartment together. Considering that cost of living with her was to quit doing my favorite drugs – I did it anyway because Savanna had become my perfect drug.
She was making me want to be a better person...She made me into a better person...Savanna knows me through and through... She want's nothing but the best for me...She makes time move so much faster...
Making me feel like every day with her is a vacation day was by my own analysis just a side effect of being in love with her. Our intimacy at times never seemed to be far away – we're so close and yet throwing ourselves into irregular or uncommon situations helped us to understand each other more intimately. We weren't like most people with their facades and they're feeling comfortable, when they're surrounded by familiar surroundings. We were getting to know each other quickly in what felt like a trial by fire situation.
Take one of us as individual and place them in the middle of the unknown, the inexperienced, and you get to see what their most intimate and basic levels are – the level at which they are forced to take in novel information and then use that information to make real time judgments and decisions. There was a lot of scenarios like this for both of us to pass through. Making the right choices was something we both did for the most part.
Just like one of the first times that I had ever seen her energy. The night that we went out to the bar and we caught a brass band in the breezeway and she asked me to hold her purse while she danced around to the music. There was so many people there. Some passing by, others stopping to listen, others just congregating. It was perfect. She bounced around and was so full of life that she made me smile and just want to be around her so much more. Mind you – this all happened before I had ever told her "Love Likewise."
Besides the little things like that – we were really good at doing absolutely nothing. We didn't feel restless, uncomfortable, or bored. It's difficult for most people to do nothing at all on our own but trying to do that with someone else is usually extremely difficult. Not so with us though... We can lay next to each other in whatever kind of way we've invented:
Lovewise Positions
The Love Recliner
Crazy Straw
Spooning
The Crab
Forking
Love Swastika
Reverse Crazy Straw with a Fork stuck in it
The Accordion
Sporking
Butter Knifing
Inverted Love Recliner
Inverted Crazy Straws
The Motorcycle
Inverted Motorcycle
The Likewise
Enjoy the fact that our intimacy doesn't have to involve action. It doesn't just involve the attainment of information or better understanding either. Some days we just relish that the purest form of intimacy is simply living together – not living in the sense of sharing an apartment, but living in the sense of breathing and listening to your heart beat. It's because we feel comfortable doing nothing at all together that we feel comfortable with just about everything else.
In his "Symposium," Plato also relates the ultimate vision of truth to erotic desire. He makes the point that all desire, starting with the most physical aspect of sexual desire, is a desire for what is good and beautiful, and that there is no separation between this desire and the highest aspirations of the soul – the attainment of the "Good and the Beautiful." He concludes that the human desire for what is physical, if experienced in its deepest level in the soul, can lead us through various steps to the desire for the archetypes at the essence of physical beauty and ultimately the highest unity of the archetypes. However, Savanna and I have both conquered the desires and can have them satisfied with just a distance of zero inches away. In other words, unlike many confused couples – we don't have to have sex to be in love with each other
On top of that; sleeping with her, without making love feels just as good as making love to her. Holding her tenderly with no intention of taking it further comes naturally to me. Feelings extend past the normal libidinal urges that some people suffer from and give into never effect me when I'm right there cuddling with her because just doing that makes me happy. I know that must be a reason why we have so many positions to cuddle in! Just being close to her makes me happy! This kind of happiness lasts more than a night, a day, or a week – it lasts for a lifetime.
Happiness was and is her greatest virtue save her irreplaceable beauty, kindness, and whole heartedness. How she looks at the optimistic side of whatever the situation at hand might be. In that regard she looks to the future like I do but she sees it in terms of happiness in a grand view of things whereas I tend toward more to the chaotic side of being a seer. However, we both soon after we fell in love began seeing the future with each other in it – not out of it. Saying things like: "We'll move to the beach after the boys are grown up." , "Give it another 13 years and we can go live abroad." Seeing the future together and never out of it. How permanent each other became in our minds was sealed, forged, created, and binded by out newly found love.
We began with the synchronicity of the grand games that time plays on fated lovers; soul mates and the perfect infinity of the eternally bound. As romance is composed of a myriad of differing subjectivity – our romance started with a divine comedy. For so long we were mutually connected and yet were destined to cross paths only after we had traveled enough through time. We met right before we turned 30.
A bittersweet year before turning 30 is what our answer to life became: each other. Finally having the feeling that I would really die for some one at the same time, she felt the same way. We felt lost without each other. We met at the perfect time while time would draw us even closer together all the while we spent more of it together. The universe wanted us to fall in love and this book is just a testament to that fact. It began its testimony on "The Day that Savanna became too Sweet."
Savanna is so sweet and creative. She made me want to marry her even more with something she called a "Date in a Box." I'll never forget that night. We were living together at the time and both of us were acting like we weren't. As if we were really going on a date, a date in a box. A sweet check list of romantic things to do together. It was nice, perfect even. Everything packed into a tiny box... the single greatest date I'd ever been on. She wore her purple flower dress... and I wore exactly what I wore on "Cupcake Day" – the purple dress shirt. We were matching just like we were that perfect day and what's more is that it was "Cupcake Day 2.0" which was likewise nice. It was a perfect surprise and she took me by a swarm of love. She was overflowing with love for me that day and she was desperate to show it. So she invented a way to show me. The whole "Date in a Box" consisted of the following as a check list:
Date in a Box: 03/13/2015
Start the first draft of the "Greatest Romance Novel" ever written based on good memories.
Each create a phrase to remember the date forever.
Create new cuddle positions.
Come up with three different poses/positions each for pictures and take them.
Choose and complete a productive task and do it together.
Cook and eat a meal together
Choose a poem to read to one another.
Start memories book.
Choose and watch a movie together.
Shower together/wash together.
Cuddle naked and pillow talk.
Sleep happy!
That night we almost finished it: deciding later on to start earlier on the date so time would allow us to naturally finish was our solution to the lacking elements. It was that night that she showed me just how much she really cared. How she was never going to give up and surrender me to the land of the forgotten. She would never stop fighting for our love to be in shape, healthy, productive, perfectly indestructible, and above all being so absolutely lucky in love. All on the day that green became love.
Sometime before any of this there was the perfect day. Cupcake day. It was a day that testified to this priori: "Now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is love." On that wonderful day in the past I had felt like I had been patiently waiting on such a perfectly lucky in love day to happen. Like a long journey: They say it is better to travel than to arrive. It's not been my experience, at least. The journey of love has been rather a lacerating, if well-worth-it, journey. And that day was a journey.
I set out early in the day to buy her a crystal necklace and set up a picnic area for us to relax and drink Cupcake wine at. What was special about it is that she had bad memories associated with that spot off to the side of the theater in a pretty open meadow set away from everything else. Wooded, private, and of course beautiful just like her.
We met up coincidentally wearing purple and the date began. I got her to watch a movie that would give us time to wine before we dined on fast food at Pals. It was perfect – our conversation was golden over wine and of course we made love outside and redeemed the negative connotation she had had with that area. Leaving the bottle of wine behind would be a redeemable event to recover it in the future. After the movie was over Pippi came by to pick us up and we celebrated with some victory drinks and fell asleep at the hotel. Getting prepared for our next day at work together.
I find it remarkably coincidental and humorous in a divine way that Aquarius is attributed to the "Star" in the Tarot Arcana. While Gemini is attributed to "The Lovers" in the Tarot Arcana. Moreover the notion that Gemini meets Aquarius later on in life. There simply is just too much magik in our relationship. Loving Savanna has me believing that not only were we meant to be together but much rather Universal Energy Magik was what predestined us to meet. Making both of us feel like the journey to find our life partner is at last finally over. It's a comfortably confusing feeling accompanied by bliss and serenity.
In regards to who she is in the Arcana I can only deem her as being simultaneously the High Priestess, The Star, The Moon, and Strength. Largely personified by inner, esoteric religious experience, or mystery. A true mystery is something that the more we learn about it the more we know that we cannot know it. We understand mystery when we accept that we cannot know it. In the most simplest form of identifying who Savanna is in terms of magik it is just intuition and signs from the grand scheme of things both above and below.
"The proximity is too great, requesting Zero." I'd think. While reducing the distance between us her lips on multiple occasions would find mine. In such moments that deem no distance is measurable, this moment is called "Zero." Being ever so close to her became and still to this day is one of my favorite hobbies. That permanence she makes me feel when she kisses me I've never at any point in time experienced. Due to the way she shook my heart up with a bucket of acid and nerves releasing butterflies inside me all the while giving me energy is what lead me to write this poem about her.
Memories in Grandeur:
There are memories on,
the horizon of my mind.
Memories of past stanzas
and poetic bliss.
Finding myself,
Forming myself,
Like a circus performer,
Contorting myself,
Away from myself,
In her box of the world.
Memories of her,
there, us,
sitting,
kissing,
feeling high.
Memories never as grand,
As kissing you...
Among many of the whirlwinds of words loving her gives to my heart, Memories in Grandeur I feel is by far the way I feel the most about her. Unforgettable kisses meaning that our lips were just made for each other Like a missing puzzle piece – loving her made my life seem like its worth something. That perhaps the greatest accomplishment in my life was merely falling in love with Savanna that wonderful She. Again she drove me to poetry of which she herself finished with the last two verses. Making me fall all the more in love with her.
For the Love of:
A nobler want of man,
is served by nature,
namely the love of,
Beauty.
In my case,
the love of,
Savanna.
A wiser love from a woman,
is served by Karma,
namely the love of,
his embrace.
In my case,
the love of,
Jay.
03 / 12 / 2015 7:23pm
Of course this poem was written after the "Day that Orange got Real – 09/15/2015." At the time we were both un-employed and we were basically living out of hotel room 420 at the Value Place in Boones Creek, TN. So we needed an internet connection to apply for job stuff and didn't want to pay $10 a week to use the hotels internet. That being the case we went over to my parents house where the internet was high speed. After a few hours there and after we had applied to a few jobs and revised our resumes we made love. It was nice and quiet and we couldn't help ourselves. Not knowing that the entire time there was Paula standing outside of the door just listening to us. "Who does that?!" Apparently, Paula does. Now then, after we had made sweet sweet love Savanna needed a new shirt; more importantly she wanted one, needing one to keep like the first night we were together in the same room. So she took one that I hadn't even worn. The Orange T-shirt from Izod. She put it on and we both walked out the room, her to the bathroom and me to the kitchen for drinks and munchies.
On our way back to the room Paula intercepted us and began ranting and raving at us. "I was outside the door! I know what you did. Stop fucking my son!" That was the general gist of the conversation as well as: "That's my sons shirt! Take that off!" ... and then there was the hysterical "Your just trying to have another kid with him you low life." It was amazingly hateful and unwarranted. If it wasn't for the orange t-shirt though we may have just gotten away with it but the orange shirt blew our cover. Then came the... "Get out of my house! You're not welcome here!" ... and so it went, and so we left. All the while I was so embarrassed about how crazy insane Paula had acted not to mention the whole treating me like I was 13 years old. I couldn't even apologize enough to Savanna.. but I tried. With all the nasty accusations that Paula was directing at Savanna it was a wonder she didn't kick Paula's ass. She was reserved, calm, and collected which really impressed me.
She had walked over that night with her backpack and laptop so it was easy to be on the move – no bicycle to worry about. We quickly formulated a plan to sleep on the Hill house which was up for auction. Packing some food, candles, and some essentials – we headed up the hill which was almost a 20min walk away. When the orange became real we just couldn't believe it. More importantly: "Who does that?!" We would only find out later how good of a thing had happened to us. They say love is a two-way street. But I don't believe it, because the one we traveled on that night was only dirt and gravel. It seemed like just walking to the house on the haunted hill was even a date of sorts. The way we bounced off each other having such wonderful conversations mixed with humor, emotion, and relevance was amazing. Out communication was truly in sync, on the same page, same planet, same mindset – in a word: perfect.
Finally, after the long walk up-hill – arriving at the house we became a bit like Agents Molder and Scully with the FBI's X-Files department. Not only were we both investigating the creepy place we had just found ourselves in but we were also on each other but we were discovering quickly that Love is a kind of warfare. That we both were battling. I wanted to tell her that I was falling in love with her and so was she. She was one step away from telling me she loved me in a fine moment we had that night.
Looking around the place as she took me on the great tour of a place she once had so many mixed memories was interesting. The former owner had had a successful career in the Air force as a B-52 bomber pilot. He was in World War II and dropped bombs on Nazis! I was thrilled and frightened because of the things I had seen there. The former owner had a picture of an Indian man which meant that he had (most likely) seen UFO's! Of course I shared this possible theory with Savanna. It wasn't anything new on her as she had seen UFO's throughout her life. So this was yet another thing that we had in common. We even saw a UFO together that night – it was strange and yet we both tried to flag it down and get it to land!
After we were done outside (being on the roof and in the chair sitting on the porch) we focused on a place to sleep inside so we used the cleanest room to sleep in. After awhile I began to get freaked out about being there. Upon leaving the room once we had been in there for awhile there was stuff in the hallway that wasn't there before. This freaked both of us out. After making a loud message to anyone/thing who was in the building letting them know that we were no threat – we blocked off the door with part of a bed frame. We talked and talked for hours about things and then she finally made me forget how to speak English by setting off the pleasure region of my brain. She made me fearful of getting another blow job from her which gave me even more respect for her wonderful lips. Shortly afterwards we fell asleep.
Waking up in the morning and walking down to the house and fixing breakfast is what we did. We ate breakfast together and shared some more laughs about what had happened that night. Planning the next time we would see each other was also on the itinerary. Then she called for a ride and I kissed her and promised her that I'd see her soon. Truth be told – I never wanted her to leave... we should have been inseparable at that point, or at least I felt like we should have been.
Nothing was better than falling asleep with her and waking up; nothing in my life up until that point had been worth while, every day I had lived before this might as well never happened. My time at this point was better spent with her and I knew it – and she was starting to believe it too. Wanting her more and more was/is a very big reality.
When I had first met her I was going to college to be a Registered Nurse. The classes and the time that they consumed of my life had to go because I needed to spend more time with Savanna. Essentially leaving college and the class load just to be with her more often despite the fact that she encouraged me to go to classes. I just didn't want to be away from her. She was the most interesting person I had ever found. Not to mention that I had never known happiness like I had with Savanna – wanting more of a good thing isn't necessarily a bad thing. Scratching the future of a career taking care of people to just take care of Savanna in every way possible became my new state of mind. Taking the long walk back from her place and to it convinced me that I needed more time with her. The distance that separated us had to go because my heart was demanding more of her. Wanting a life with her was a very big reality in those early days. This feeling coincides with her fixing my watch band and all of my time becoming hers. Loving her too much just became normalcy.
On one of those normal days that I was suffering from a Savanna addiction I had the idea to create a scene out of As You Like It in which Orlando decorates the trees with love signs. So I did – at a very special place to me that I alone would go to get away from the world; that no one else knew of, nor had anyone ever been there with me. I trusted her with my secret tree. What happened on that Blood Moon date was classic. Greeting her with table wine and taking her to the rocks that I had spent so much of my youth at was one thing. Now, taking her to my secret tree was another thing completely. No one had ever been there save: Savanna.
Earlier that day I had spent a few hours just getting the tree prepared. Writing sweet things and confessions of loving feelings for her on parchments and then hanging them all over the tree. When we got there around 5pm-6pm she could still read them with the aid of sunset light. Her face became completely alive and she confessed: “No one has ever done anything like this for me...” It broke my heart because of how much I had done wasn't that much at all. I was almost angry that no one who had ever loved her did anything as sweet for her. As I wanted to claim her heart, then so it was.
We laughed and joked and mocked all kinds of things while we slowly got wine drunk which would later become a major mistake on my part.. The times I had spent under that tree in the past were usually hard times – not happy ones. It was where I retreated from the days of my life, a place of lonely solitude filled with pain and occasional redemption. But now, in that moment with Savanna it became the place where I confessed my undying love for her and gave her all the secrets in my mind – to just ask me about anything and have me tell the truth even if it was a secret.
For hours we enjoyed each others company until I became angry over something remarkably stupid, broke her necklace, rejected her, and told her to leave. The night was perfect until I was completely intoxicated to the point of becoming unreasonable and mean for no good reason. The place effected me the more I drank and the negative feelings I had had in the past overflowed my mind just like the excess of wine was doing. After losing my mind with her and telling her to leave, she took all of the notes, then walked away. There was, after it went bad: no excuse the next morning. This would be the first time that she had witnessed the fact that I was/am allergic to alcohol of any kind. Hoping that losing my composure wouldn't drive her away from me was my worried mind the next day. I couldn't stand to lose her especially over getting drunk. So I apologized over and over again even to the point of grovelling. She finally forgave me...
After taking her to the tree and showing her how I felt about her, some time shortly after that we got jobs together and were working toward paying rent on a place. Living together was next on the list but I had to earn it by not doing certain things I had done before (drugs). Meeting her condition of sobering up was trivial and really showed me that she cared about what went into my body. She took the next step in loving me; living with me, moving in together. We became closer than we were before I had lost my drunken mind at the tree.
And so we proceeded to become more and more in love. Moving onto the extent of the “I love you more than Siracha” style metaphors like it was a creative kind of game. Feeling like we were all of a sudden in a love competition that we had somehow initiated: expressing “Feels Reports” more often, working out our minds with new ways to express our feelings to one another. Exuberant, excessive, and exacting seem to really shed light on the love metaphor game we played.
Now that we were living together, working together, sleeping together, eating together, watching movies together, having fun together, and so on. It seemed like this quote was the entirety of what we were going through back then: “I love you and that's the beginning and end of everything.” ...and so it goes.
I was finally in a real relationship. You see before Savanna I had lied to basically every woman I had ever known. Savanna was/is the first woman to really know me and my past. Running PSYOPS on a cult and never revealing this fact to any other women. Furthermore, when it comes to Savanna: I really love her, I'm not just saying “I love you” anymore – I really mean it.
So many magical things would happen to us. Things that neither one of us can explain outside the expression of: Universal Energy Magic. Being a self proclaimed Witch I learned various things from her and her religion. All of these wonderful things lead me into getting binded to her through a spell. It was on the 1st day of the month and I had never up until that point felt closer to her. I didn't just want to be her boyfriend, I wanted to be her everything and I wanted it right then. So, she binded us with a spell in her book of shadows.
Up until this point my drinking was causing problems in our relationship. My paranoia in regards to PSYOPS being carried out on me and things that were simply not going on was a major issue as well. Savanna stuck with me even though the absurdity level of some of the conspiracies that I thought she was up to were anything but nice. She loved me enough to help me through the outrageous accusations that I was making.
Following a crude OPLAN I landed myself in jail on an operation to alert the Secret Service of an assassination attempt planned for April-May of 2015 – the new year. So I went to jail for about 30 days and then was bailed out to return to her the first day I was able to. She was a mess. She had went on a path of self-destruction because she thought I had left her completely. It was my final test to see if she really, really, loved me. She passed. Nursing her back to health was required – it broke my heart to see her in such bad shape. She had been that way for nearly two weeks. Everything in the apartment looked like it had been through hell. There was a mess everywhere. She cared about nothing except destroying herself while I was gone. She hated life without me and was coping with it by trying to destroy herself.
It took awhile to get her back – I apologized for everything I had done in regards to leaving her with a PSYOP plan that separated us for awhile. I had went to jail. She didn't “Dear John” me while I was in jail but much rather the opposite happened. It wasn't easy but I got her back to zero. It would seem that I have loved her in numbered and numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age, forever. With this being the case and the state of my feelings at that point in time I was driven to be further binded to her. So I stole her ring.
Since sometimes ink speaks louder than mere words I took part of her and binded it to my body with ink. Matching tattoo's in the form of a ring that binded us and a zodiac composition.
Permanence and Ink:
Twice now
We have been here
Locked in a ritual
Of marking
Each other.
Ink to strengthen
Our binding
Ink forever lasting
Our bleeding
Ink and spell casting
Our 3:33am on Friday
The 13th
My Zodiac partner
Is finally with me
Now the wheel of life
Is no mystery
Knowing myself helped me
Find and fall in love
With Aquarius ~ Savanna
My Priestess,
Moon, and Strength.
03 / 13 / 2015 5:13am
Three matching tattoos. Binded, inked, linked, tied together. How much more connected could we be? The Universe sending us signs to let us know to never stop trying – never, ever leave each other. Aquarius and Gemini ~ stuck together. The thought that “No surrender, no retreat, we will not accept defeat” as being the credo to our relationship. It certainly does feel like it's the silent unspoken creed that we both have toward each other. Feeling that loneliness and the emotionally desolate nature of not being together will never prevail over our desire for each other. Burned and bonded by blood and ink – we will never know defeat. Of course the occasional temporary tattoos that she has been known to give me after I aggravate her too much are just as bittersweet as she is at times... “Just think of my bite marks as temporary tattoos.” she would say...
Then there was Valentines day.. of which the day before I made the commitment to never leave her by getting my binding ring on my finger just like hers. To be her friend was all I ever wanted; to be her lover was all I ever dreamed. 2/14/15 was a great day that started in the early AM hours of the 13th – It was composed of: Cards for every occasion that I had missed. A Happy Birthday card because I had missed it due to jail, a Merry Christmas card because I didn't go with her to the get together, a Get Well Soon card because she was sick. A Happy Valentines Day card because it was Valentines day and a special card that was designed for her to really be My Wife. Then the day slightly turned sour but we redeemed it later on. Questions over what the cards meant and so forth hurt my feelings because my intentions were only good. It was so sweet she cried for the right reasons over everything that I had done. It was a day that we would repeat on every 14th of every month thereafter.
Then came more tattoos...
The Gemini zodiac sign combined with the Aquarius sign we both got in two places on our bodies. A symbol to further unite us in the bonds of love. She would do something sweet and I'd say something like “Don't make me marry you.” or “I wish you were my wife.” Feelings like: How much more permanently can I be in love with her would cross my mind every other day my love grew. She was constantly taking my virginity on so many fronts. For instance she took my “Bathroom Counter Virginity” on the 17th of September 2014.
Numbers and times became a sort of X-File of Love with us. Things like looking at the time and noticing recurring numerical themes with different things. Numbers like: 1 ,333, 12, 42, 24, 11, 14, 15, 17, 18, 28, 13, 3 and so on. It was like even time was telling us to be together. So much weird magik that both of us at times were slightly unhinged over. The 28th of the month being our anniversary and likewise the 17th and 18th. The 1st of the month of course being the date that we were binded by the Universe. Both of us thought that the dates, times, and happenings with numbers was some kind of cosmic sign for both of us...
Like the day that Orange Got Real came about on the 15th of September. The Day the Door Slammed was on the 24th of February. The Day Our Relationship Went Full Permanent was on the 17th. There were all kinds of signs with numbers that kept repeating themselves in our lives that we began to notice. At times I remember thinking: “That's simply too much magik for me.” The number of literal X-Files that are related to our relationship are way up there. Some of which I know I'll never be able to solve. Things like this happen though; especially when you're binded to a dangerously powerful witch. There is no amount of discernment or seeking to use intuitive abilities to judge situations and people; understanding why things happen to us and others that could solve these mysteries save the conclusion: “It's magik!”
For example there was a time when she had left to go to the store in February 2015 and I had grown to miss her even the minute she stepped out the door. Missing her immensely I began writing a poem to her while upon progressing through the pages and stanzas I wrote:
Memories of you,
becoming my home
– my everything.
Memories of you,
seasoning my heart
with happiness.
Memories of connectedness,
No sooner than I had finished hand writing the word “connectedness” did she call. The phone rang at that exact moment I finished writing that word. The odds of that being a coincidence are astronomical. Things like that have happened in our relationship in various different multiple ways. Strange and yet beautiful happenings that have kept me wondering about all of the mysterious ways loving her holds. To the world she may be one person, but to me she is the world. Maybe, just maybe strange things keep happening because she is my world. In my world I suppose I like it strange...
One day I chose to get drunk and throw away everything that we had worked so hard for. Saying things I didn't mean, doing things I'd never do, being a drunk monster hell bent on destruction. Beer was flowing through me. That old familiar feeling of being out of control was there. I said things like “I don't give a fuck about you.” “I don't care.” and the like. Not only did I drink more than just three beers and break my promise about drinking – but I said things I didn't mean and proceeded to break her heart even more than I already had.
How she came to forgive me for the “Door Kicking Incident” I will never know save time. We didn't talk to each other that much after it happened. She was terribly mad with me about all of it and I was mad at her for kicking me out of the apartment. Both of us were mad. It took some time before we could talk again in a reasonable way. Love, that everlasting quality that it has just needed some time to kick in before we could communicate like lovers do. Starting back at square one it seemed for awhile. Then instincts kicked in and forgiveness reigned supreme over the situation.
Not letting anything like that happen in the future needed to be written and promised in stone. Drinking beer was never an option for me ever again. On top of that was a demand for limited contact and 42 letters before she would even consider being with me again. Taking these things serious I began sending love letters to her. One after the other – working toward a fantasy reunion I kept picturing with her. Missing her and regretting ever drinking in the first place was day to day happenings for my mind. Recollecting great memories with her and recording them in this book has made me feel like I'm still with her in every sense of the word. Loving her so much I can't let her go is exactly how I felt then and likewise right now. I can't give up on her. I just can't.
She wrote this note:
I got this as a gesture of peace and goodwill. I am not perfect and not everyday can be perfect. I make mistakes and am very unpredictable at times even to myself. I meant what I said when I asked please tell me your feelings and clarify what you said before. It was not a puzzle. I wanted to know if you would mean what you say and promote a healthy relationship by being honest and not assuming the wrong thing. Act like you know I want to be on your team. I know you don't want me treating you like this if you disappoint me at all with whatever situation. I don't want to live in your past or mine. I want to love you and learn from my many mistakes.
I have many stressful thoughts not all just about us but about bills, friends, the boys, chores, my flaws both mental and physical. Any time in the past few days I have tried to open up to you I get patronized into “everything's alright” or “it's all good whatever you want honey we are good everything's okay.” I like the abracadabra here but I have goals personally, financially, mental and physical ones that I am not happy at failing at the moment.
When you assume the worst out of me and my intentions it causes more issues because I have given you no reason to feel that way. I want to be better, feel better, do better, look better, sound better, and more importantly be the best me I can be.
Love,
Savanna
She has wrote several notes in a similar kind of fashion that dictate a very high level of loving feelings directed toward me. She really is invested in making our relationship work at literally any cost – that's how much she loves me. I've never been loved like this before. She loves me deeply, truly, with a passion so strong I feel like her love alone can keep both of us going even when I'm failing at being a real soul-mate to her. For example: kicking in the doors, breaking promises, saying horrible things to her, being a drunk asshole, puking on the floor and not cleaning it up. Saying things that I don't mean when I'm angry is the biggest hurtle I found myself jumping over. Destroying what I love seems to be a weird past time of mine that I have to get over. Savanna is so important to me that had to change those bad habits. She knows me better than anyone else ever has and for that I have to show her more respect than any other. She knows that and so do I.
Since the separation, I've patched things up with Jeff and Paula to where she can come over to the house and hang out with me since I can't go to the apartment anymore. Planning dates to take her on to win her heart back was/is on the list of course. Out doing myself and really showing her how much I love her and how sorry I am for hurting her feelings is my agenda these days. She is the most important thing in my life just like I am the most important thing in her life. Forsaking her love over booze and the desire to get “Fucked up” will always haunt me. I can't believe I did that to her of all people. The regret, the god damned regret that I have is stifling.
It's only through this separation that I've noticed just how deeply of a personal attachment and affection I have for her. I feel as if I couldn't get her out of my life even if I tried. This feeling has made me feel confident, hopeful and never doubtful about returning to my home which is by her side. How intense and powerful my emotions (hers too) and feelings become toward her only confirm just how passionately we're in love. She wants me to earn her back through 42 letters, time to heal, romantic moments to solidify how sorry I really am and just how much I want her back for good.
Though I have so many projects of which I willfully abandon altogether for the sake of things I know I want to do for Savanna – I only begin to find my poise when it comes to her. Being totally balanced in mind, body and spirit is only possible when things are right with us. When I have no poise, there's a problem or an issue of some kind with her and the kisses (my Pringles, my zeros) are simply not happening.
Her lips are my refuge when I'm overwhelmed with the world or exhausted from anything under the sun. She makes me and she breaks me. Without her I am nothing – this much at least I know is true. Getting our love back on its prosperous track is priority number one for me... Making sure that this book never has an ending is the second priority I now have. Shouting “I love Savanna” from the rooftops is the third priority on the list. All the while hoping and dreaming of a permanent future with her is the fourth. Keeping a moment without her in my mind is a true task. At this point I know it's not even a possibility because I think of her so much.
Almost 10 months ago I trusted her with my heart. In that time she has made it grow so much larger, broken it, rebuilt it, and made it invincible and impervious to all the dangers of the world. Crafting my heart and looking beyond problems by creating successful solutions are just things she does. She has worked on our relationship like it was a real job. She built personal moral standards which cause others to desire a greater moral life in my opinion. Trusting her was the greatest thing I ever accomplished. Needing her is just how things are with my heart. Never wanting, but requiring her as a necessity – a need – this is the best way to address how much of my life she is a part of. It's as if we're woven together like the silky sheet we were bound with.
This was the first letter
of the 42 that I sent her:
Savanna,
I thought that the two songs could say how I felt because I was falling short on my own words. I hate that it came to this, I really do. I thought so much that I'd be with you for the rest of my life somehow. It just reminds you that life is full of surprises though. Kicking your husband out isn't really good wife behavior... that's cheezy girlfriend behavior in my opinion. What I don't get is how you don't understand that I said those things I can't even remember when I was drunk. I would have never acted that way or broke down the doors (Door Kicker style) if I wasn't drunk. Yes, I am blaming it on the booze and my poor judgment and need to get fucked up that night.
Completely paranoid about where you were, thinking you were hiding from me, locking doors, I don't know what was going through my head but I'm giving this 42 letters a shot. I hate to think that one bad night of drinking could destroy us. Part of me is mad at you and the other part is just mad at myself. I hope that you can forgive me in a genuine way and that we can be together again some day. Your health concerns me and I wish you would talk to me about it. We were so close to the husband and wife agreement – and then this. I'm so depressed. I already hate being away from you.
Getting on with it:
I love you. I love every little thing about you. I love your cute smile, your magical eyes, and the sound of your voice. I love your gentle touch, and I love the warmth I feel when I?m by your side. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you.
I can be myself when I am with you. Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us. Because you make me feel like I have never felt before. I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked. Your undying faith is what keeps the flame of our love alive. You and me together, we can make magic. We're a perfect match. Thinking of you, fills me with a wonderful feeling. Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead. You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going. You are simply irresistible. I love you because you bring the best out of me. Your terrific sense of humor. Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat. You're the one who holds the key to my heart. You always say what I need to hear. You have taught me the true meaning of love. Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything. You are my theme for a dream. I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you. And, of course, your intelligence, 'cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me.
Always Yours,
J
The letter was the first of many that I would have her read with her heart and not with her mind. Dedication is what I hope she sees in me. That I will do what she asks of me. That I will keep my word. That I will not stop until we are perfectly fixed. Never giving up on her is what I hope she see's in me because I will never give up on us. Waiting on her as long as it takes – doing whatever might show her I love her. Never accepting the defeat that comes with giving up on our love, our lives together, our future together. Every day I live – I love her a little more. While I still only find one reason worth living and it starts with an “S” and ends in an “a.” Savanna, Savanna, Savanna...
The first movie that we watched together on a couch spooning/forking/sporking was: Movie 43. What an appropriate page to write about how wonderful it was watching that movie with her. It was a Discordian movie of sorts. It felt like it was a date. Both of us wanted to watch a movie as an excuse to be closer to each other. This was before we had invented the concept of Zero inches apart. It was late – sometime around eight or nine at night when we started. Earlier that day we had been busy cleaning and talking up a storm like we usually did. We didn't get all the way through the movie because we both fell asleep watching it. It was an incredible night. I thought to myself how comfortable she made me feel and just how relaxed I could be with her and it made me want her even more. It was for sure a day that made me wish she was my wife. This day of course was before both of us had confessed that we were in love with one another. Judging from the day it was one of those days that fueled that loving sensation in us. Movie 43 made our love grow.
I could feel it on her that she never wanted me to go. She always wanted me to stay. After I picked up on how she felt about be going elsewhere to sleep or write or do whatever – I adjusted to her and began asking to stay the night. Movie 43 night was a night that I stayed. I had felt the same way – I didn't want to leave her either. Permanence and love were slowly creeping up on us both back in those days. With each conversation I would like her just that much more. Love her in secret just that much more. Even though a movie was a great excuse to snuggle up on the couch we still to this day (4/4/15), nearly 6 months later – never seen the end of Movie 43 together. The movie really fits in with our sense of humor. That clever kind of dry sense of humor that we both share. More in terms of the comedic norm for the 21st century really... we both adapted and were formed into that mode of thinking because of the media we liked.
When we were getting our Aquarius and Gemini tattoo's together we read out of one of her books: Love Signs by Linda Goodman. The book covers all of the Zodiac signs falling in love with each other. Beginning on page 372 the Gemini-Aquarius Relationship is explained in cosmic detail. Its shocking how much of the information in the book is absolutely accurate when it comes to us.
“Cozily compatible as a couple of bugs in a rug...”
Very accurate.
“Are usually enormously compatible.”
Very accurate.
“Accept the possibility of anything with an open-mind.”
Very accurate.
“Understand most situations thoroughly, in depth.”
Very accurate.
“Gemini and Aquarius meet later on in life.”
Very accurate.
“... they keep trying no matter what the cost.”
Very accurate.
The list literally goes on to several other “coincidences” or pre-destined pathways of our zodiac signs. Almost the entire article on our zodiac signs in love applies to us. How ironic and beyond strange the occurrence really is sometimes. It drove us to getting shared tattoos that were both matching symbols of the Gemini-Aquarius overlapping together. The symbol is tattooed on both of us twice. So there is a combined total of four of the same tattoos on each of us. Her's are on her right leg while mine are on my right shoulder and right wrist. Here the symbol is:
Savanna's Jay's
We were marked permanently together. Feeling like there was/is a massive level of “Always gonna be there.” I feel even when she's mad at me that there's going to be a better day when we're back to normal or even better, stronger and more in love than before. Even though they're lyrics to a song I would like to think that the “No surrender, no retreat, no we won't accept defeat.” somehow applies to our relationship and not just some song but with the mysteries of her heart – I may never know.
I would like to think that somewhere along the lines of our relationship (in the beginning) that the story of Pyramus and Thisbe contributed to her falling in love with me. For the sake of knowing if it was or wasn't I just have to include it to see if she will edit it out... When I originally sent it to her I intended for her to see me as Pyramus – that I would kill myself if I was ever at fault for her death. “Love's suicide.” as it were.. I have always been her Pyramus...
Pyramus and Thisbe:
Pyramus was the handsomest youth, and Thisbe the fairest maiden, in all Babylonia, where Semiramis reigned. Their parents occupied adjoining houses; and neighbourhood brought the young people together, and acquaintance ripened into love. They would gladly have married, but their parents forbade. One thing, however, they could not forbid- that love should glow with equal ardour in the bosoms of both. They conversed by signs and glances, and the fire burned more intensely for being covered up. In the wall that parted the two houses there was a crack, caused by some fault in the structure. No one had remarked it before, but the lovers discovered it. What will not love discover! It afforded a passage to the voice; and tender messages used to pass backward and forward through the gap. As they stood, Pyramus on this side, Thisbe on that, their breaths would mingle. "Cruel wall," they said, "why do you keep two lovers apart? But we will not be ungrateful. We owe you, we confess, the privilege of transmitting loving words to willing, ears." Such words they uttered on different sides of the wall; and when night came and they must say farewell, they pressed their lips upon the wall, she on her side, he on his, as they could come no nearer.
Next morning, when Aurora had put out the stars, and the sun had melted the frost from the grass, they met at the accustomed spot. Then, after lamenting their hard fate, they agreed that next night, when all was still, they would slip away from the watchful eyes, leave their dwellings and walk out into the fields; and to insure a meeting, repair to a well-known edifice standing without the city's bounds, called the Tomb of Ninus, and that the one who came first should await the other at the foot of a certain tree. It was a white mulberry tree, and stood near a cool spring. All was agreed on, and they waited impatiently for the sun to go down beneath the waters and night to rise up from them. Then cautiously Thisbe stole forth, unobserved by the family, her head covered with a veil, made her way to the monument and sat down under the tree. As she sat alone in the dim light of the evening she descried a lioness, her jaws reeking with recent slaughter, approaching the fountain to slake her thirst.
Thisbe fled at the sight, and sought refuge in the hollow of a rock. As she fled she dropped her veil. The lioness after drinking at the spring turned to retreat to the woods, and seeing the veil on the ground, tossed and rent it with her bloody mouth. Pyramus, having been delayed, now approached the place of meeting. He saw in the sand the footsteps of the lion, and the colour fled from his cheeks at the sight. Presently he found the veil all rent and bloody. "O hapless girl," said he, "I have been the cause of thy death! Thou, more worthy of life than I, hast fallen the first victim. I will follow. I am the guilty cause, in tempting thee forth to a place of such peril, and not being myself on the spot to guard thee. Come forth, ye lions, from the rocks, and tear this guilty body with your teeth." He took up the veil, carried it with him to the appointed tree, and covered it with kisses and with tears. "My blood also shall stain your texture," said he, and drawing his sword plunged it into his heart. The blood spurted from the wound, and tinged the white mulberries of the tree all red; and sinking into the earth reached the roots, so that the red colour mounted through the trunk to the fruit. By this time Thisbe, still trembling with fear, yet wishing not to disappoint her lover, stepped cautiously forth, looking anxiously for the youth, eager to tell him the danger she had escaped. When she came to the spot and saw the changed colour of the mulberries she doubted whether it was the same place. While she hesitated she saw the form of one struggling in the agonies of death. She started back, a shudder ran through her frame as a ripple on the face of the still water when a sudden breeze sweeps over it. But as soon as she recognized her lover, she screamed and beat her breast, embracing the lifeless body, pouring tears into its wounds, and imprinting kisses on the cold lips. "O Pyramus," she cried, "what has done this? Answer me, Pyramus; it is your own Thisbe that speaks. Hear me, dearest, and lift that drooping head!" At the name of Thisbe Pyramus opened his eyes, then closed them again. She saw her veil stained blood and the scabbard empty of its sword. "Thy own hand has slain thee, and for my sake," she said. "I too can be brave for once, and my love is as strong as thine. I will follow thee in death, for I have been the cause; and death which alone could part us shall not prevent my joining thee. And ye, unhappy parents of us both, deny us not our united request. As love and death have joined us, let one tomb contain us. And thou, tree, retain the marks of slaughter. Let thy berries still serve for memorials of our blood." So saying she plunged the sword into her breast. Her parents ratified her wish, the gods also ratified it. The two bodies were buried in a single grave, and the mulberry tree ever after brought forth red berries, as it does to this day.
∞
I was always sending her slightly romantic sweet things online. If it wasn't a meme or something close to it – a source of worldwide regarded romance (such as Pyramus and Thisbe) then it was something else. Then of course there was the jokes and obscene humor that I shared with her. She answered and made all kinds of videos with her in them doing sexual things, saying my name – she sent them to me. All the while I was in the process of romancing her in both a clean and dirty kind of way. Being a gentleman and at the same time being a joker. I hadn't prepared for actually feeling that she was worth dying for. I had never even once thought that I would really be someone's Pyramus in real life. It was always a nice idea but never a reality.
How I feel when we're not ok:
I'm just a believer
That things will get better
Some take or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
No matter what the issue may be keeping us from being completely in love with one another – it doesn't matter we work through it. We have that kind of undying faith in eachother that tends toward fixing any problem we might face in our relationship. This is one of the things that I truly love about her: She really, really, loves me unconditionally and yet even more than that. I've never been loved like this before by someone so dedicated, loyal and fun that sometimes I don't know what to think other than love curing people. Love does cure people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. Furthermore the best proof of love is trust. To recollect of the 20/20 hind sight of our roller coaster relationship I have to say that I've never trusted anyone like I trust her. If it were not for her loving heart I may have never discovered my own hiding heart. Fore, a loving heart is the truest wisdom. Lovewise, and beyond that until the moon turns red, the sun goes black – forever in auternum and past that.
Being in love with her has lead to me drawing other conclusions about the nature of love itself. Thinking that we can't command our love, but we can our actions. This I think is personified in something I used to tell her which is: “The control you have over me dictates the control I have over you.” With that being said – love is a free spirit both giving and taking without notification; merely naturally working on it's own in the roundness of things. You see, life is the flower for which love is the honey. She is my bee, my stockpile of honey and all that is good and right within the world.
Now that I've been spending more time away from her during this horrible separation – I will admit that I get butterflies every time I see her now. It's amazing how much my mind, body and soul really misses her. It goes to show me that I really am in love with her and that our connection, or rather binding – is a force to be reckoned with. True beyond all things I know to be true. The black silk that binded us to words spelled out on the page to a wand cast on us; keeps me, and her, both wondering how much farther we will go in life with each other. Simply “As you like it” or forever like a never ending story? Only time can truly tell. In all that she has shown me she taught me this: The art of love is largely the art of persistence. Without persistence there would be no possible connection. Keeping the relationship fresh requires constant watering and tending. Keeping love alive is a true art form that only few I believe get to experience. Sometimes Love is just about being stupid together while its that triumph of imagination over intelligence that is the nature of Love itself. Just as Helen Keller said that “All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” I know what she meant by that now. I feel like she is a part of me and I'm a part of her. Binded, connected, fate, destiny, and all that – wrapped up in the love of each other.
I like it that we can watch romantic comedies together. Those are my favorite kind of movies. As gay as that confession may be, it's still true. There is no greater forces that love and comedy – especially a comedy about love or love and comedy. Jokes and humor lightens the heart and in my years of observation; it allows us to actually be in love. Crazy, stupid, love – all components that make love a reality for those fortunate enough to be in it. However, there is another side to her that not many people realize.
As her sister said once, “She's a boy.” So too is Savanna. She's a kind of tom-boy. The conventional lady like activities she enjoys but she also enjoys the stuff that guys like too, to a reasonable level. This is a great thing because she can relate to me even more than anyone has ever been able to in the past. In a word she's: perfect. She likes going hiking, camping, and other guy stuff. She's strong willed both mentally and physically. There is a great sense of independence in her which is wholly admirable. Being all resourceful as all get at and yet at the same time making hustling look good.
It goes without saying that she is absolutely beautiful. That quality did effect the intensity of her hustling abilities. Her smile is contagious and I've always said that it could create world peace if everyone saw her smile we might have a real shot at a real lasting peace. Whether it's in the desert all hot and sweaty, dehydrated and worn out from making love – feeling like we have won at the game of life, completely satisfied with each other. To simply enjoying just being in love and doing nothing. Her smile always shows up to make me feel like I have to marry her because she makes me keep on loving her more and more.
Just let your love flow
like a mountain stream
And let your love grow
with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show
you'll know what I mean
It's the season
Those lyrics really hit home with my heart. She forces me to relax just by being close to me – letting my love flow is what her kisses accomplish, and sharing my true feelings is just natural because of her. Never feeling this way for anyone else is a very big part of my reality. Never being loved quite like this is yet another truth that I have to say about her love. Raptured by her captivating embrace. These are just a few things she does to me. It feels like a bucket of acid and nerves is sitting inside me and when she shows up it's kicked over making me feel that adrenaline rush that love only brings to those who are in it. I love her for all the right reasons and I had to test it by going to jail.
I had engineered a way to alert the Secret Service of an assassination plot that I learned of in 2010 in a cult called the Underground Church; it was simple in theory. It required me going to jail to make the statement. I did, and when I did she fell apart. She tried to destroy herself with as many drugs as she possibly could. It was madness.
She was the main reason that I was bailed out of jail – she wanted me that much to release me. That too was a first test, secondly her falling to pieces wasn't something I counted on but rather her way of mourning me not being there with her. She didn't dear John me so to speak but rather she stayed loyal to me because she knew I was coming back. A part of her did at the very least.
I was gone for nearly 30 days of which she managed destroying herself and her life to a large degree. She was so bad off when I first got to her that I couldn't even believe what had happened. She needed my help to get healthy again. Crying over her appearance came naturally because it was the worst that I had ever seen her.
I had flipped out on her around new years and she was very upset with me... I was upset with me. All the while I was having a kind of psychotic break because of my past, multiple personality disorder, and PTSD from being in an extremist cult for so long. All of the things she would go on to tell me made me feel awful... Cussing her out and accusing her of extremely strange ideas. Thinking she was a double agent; working with the government, really just losing my mind.
So, after I turned myself in and began the course of actions that would make the assassination plot in April-May 2015 known I went to a mental health facility. While I was there they put me on medication that I needed. All the while I missed her and regretted the things that I had done to separate us. Being away from her was a kind of torture that I couldn't bear. So, calling her and telling her to setup me getting bailed out was a major deal. She wanted me out of there and had been keeping up with me through the mental health facility personnel. She really cared about me and wanted me home as soon as possible. She loved me and she missed me. It was obvious when I was on the phone with her. It was really bothering her that I wasn't there with her but rather locked away somewhere... She literally went through hell without me while I was gone.
There was so much to talk about when I first came back. She was so shook up and had been thinking about all kinds of things about our relationship that it took awhile to get on good terms with each other. There were tears on her side and tears on mine. We held each other and were literally overwhelmed with emotions on so many issues that hours blurred into weeks, and minutes changed into days. It took awhile, it was slow at first but we managed to get back on track together. As our air signs say: “Gemini man and Aquarius woman never stop trying with each other.” That of course is absolutely true. More true than most things in life.
As time passed we bonded again – became stronger than before, and managed to take our relationship to a new level. We wanted the same things – a life together full of love and happiness. That's what we got for the most part until I went back to the mental health facility again to get on medication. My mind, as full of PTSD as it is from being in a cult had to have medicine at this point. Not being on medication was hurting literally everything in my life; especially my relationship with Savanna.
I wanted to show her after we got back together when I got out of jail that I was serious about her and that I would never leave her again; how much I love her, how dedicated I am to her and so forth. With that being the case I needed to take action and show her how I felt rather than just saying it... so I got the same exact tattoo that she had on her ring finger on her left hand. It was about binding us together through blood and ink. That I was with her forever rather than just in the present. I wanted her to know that she owned my future because it would be with her. On February the 11th is when I got the ring exactly like hers on my ring finger. It was an element of binding and bonding over my time all to her. A ring that I couldn't take off or even lose. Something I couldn't ever remove like I never wanted to remove her from my life. Hers had 14 segments whereas mine had 15 a composition of three fives... She later explained how awesome it was that I did it and how she knew I loved her because I took action to show it. Things were moving along just perfect again. We had so many perfect days together after that; life was wonderful.
Some time later she would propose to me with a jewel.. Taking me by surprise in the bedroom she got on one knee and asked me to marry her. Up until that point, no woman ever had ever proposed to me. It was sweet and the thought counted more than she knew then and knows now. She had stolen my heart on many occasions and she had just done it again that day. I kept the jewel in my wallet for the longest time. My first proposal was online and she just sent me a ring and a hand holding a heart emoticon. It was sweet and playful but I was serious. Wanting to marry her more and more came with the territory of loving her more on a daily basis.
So while I was gone to Woodridge, she visited me and we talked nearly every day. She was monitoring me from a distance and was my only VIP person on my contact list. She even brought me a green hair tie along with some sweet kisses and changes of clothes. She was doing everything she could at a distance to take care of me. I would have done the same thing for her. The love was really showing and growing through all those hard times. We made it though. I got out and got on medication and we were fine...
All up until I decided to drink something that I was allergic to: alcohol... I made some amazingly poor decisions while I was drinking and she kicked me out the next day. As of now I'm stuck writing her 42 letters to win her heart, mind, body and soul back... As I write this first volume I am on letter 14 at the moment. Volume 2 of Love Likewise will be the continuation of this lovely relationship that seems like a dream.
So, until then...
I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
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