Restoring Faith

Nehar:

I lost faith in everything, but at the same time, I can feel the hope inside me that is caged by hurt. People say there are two kinds of hurt. One that causes pain and one that changes them. But maybe they forget that sometimes the pain caused is so much that it changes you. It is not always choosing either pain or change; at time it’s just accepting both of it and moving on like nothing happened, because it never gets better; you just get used to it. I am Nehar, a college student and maybe the hurt inside of me is too much for my age and so I lost all the friends I once had. I walk through the college corridor and ignore the way Aditya and our group look at me. They left me because I “changed”, only if they knew I didn’t change but “grew up”. Sighing I walk to my bike and leave for my first day at the extra course; a creative course. I hope it brings something good. Only if I knew…

Seats are quickly filled with many young girls and boys and the class begins. It’s been only half an hour and I already find myself liking it, finally a place filled with same thoughts; maybe not the same thoughts because there is this one girl in front who keeps on dodging the sad moments to happy in nanosecond. What a kid she is, always living in that happy bubble created. Though other than that the class rocks, it keeps me occupied.

A month passes by discussing the famous novels and classics and it’s the time to pen down our own thoughts, well I love doing that but not sharing it, but our professor does not seem to understand that; and to make it all worse I will have to pair up with the happy, bubbly annoying girl. How? Well we created much of scenes the last month while discussing the novels where she obviously had to think like a naïve, happy person making it hard for me to listen to the bullshit she said and wanting to throw the truth on her face. Maybe our professor liked our arguments way too much to pair us both together now.

As soon as she sits next to me, she gives me that smile which made me smile back at her. Great! Now her sweetness is contagious, why am I smiling back whereas all I wanted to do was put some freaking real sense in her brains? Anyway it was the time to write, something I always loved to. As soon as we complete our writing, the hard part begins. I mean how do you just show all that you think to some stranger? But my partner was a different case she was too happy about what she wrote and wanted me to read it and tell how well it was written. She quickly snatched my book and gave hers. As soon as I read her poem I knew it was a wrong decision, all stupid lies written on one page, how can one manage to write so many fake things all at once is beyond my thinking, but I couldn’t say that on her face, so I just gave her the poem back without saying anything. She tried asking me my opinion but just one rude comment from me made her realize it’s better not to disturb me. Nearly a month went by and I read the same happy, sappy, sick hopeful poems, I don’t know what my poems made her feel but I don’t care again when it comes to judging people. But somehow she wanted to face me. Face the rude me.

“Hey, Nehar.” She stopped me outside our class premises with that annoying smile of hers.

“hi, anything important? Because I don’t have much time to waste.” I told her rudely. It wasn’t intentional it was just a habit now.

“Well, I just wanted to know if you are ever going to comment on the poems I write because professor just asked me to submit.”

“Oh, so that’s what it is, well I told you not to ask me but as I see you are too persistent on knowing here, your poems are damn cheesy and stupid to believe, your poems are as fake as you with all that kind attitude.” I cut her before she finished and walked away. I saw a few tears in her eyes while I said all that to her but I couldn’t care less.

Julie:

“Your poems are as fake as you” those words kept on ringing in my ears. How could he say that to me? I didn’t do anything to deserve those set of words, since the first day I met him I have been good to him. I liked sharing my views and then listening to his, he always had a different way of seeing things; sad but different… the day I was paired for writing and exchanging task I felt happy as i could see what I couldn’t see alone. But maybe it wasn’t a mutual feeling. His poems were more than words, they ripped off my heart, the way he described the plot were always mesmerizing and dark; Something I never knew, but maybe I knew why he was different. He is like that song by Kelly Clarkson "Beautiful Disaster"; he is a beautiful disaster indeed. I learnt a lot about him which he doesn’t know I know through his poems. If only he knew....

Nehar:

Today is the last day of write and exchange task, today we have to write a story. One story and I will get the freedom from the beautiful sweet girl, I mentally smack myself for calling her beautiful but she is beautiful with that pretty smile; well yes remember I called it annoying smile? Yes it is still. She is writing something already on her page and seems to think too much while writing this one, when she finishes she gives it to me and I read it. This time it’s different it is a story about a boy who craves for love since his childhood and how many times he has been betrayed to be something good, the plot the characters are so much near to the characters in my life that it’s hard not to think if it is a story or my life written on a page. Before I can say anything she stands up and leaves. I run towards her and stop her.

“Julie.. Uh-I the story.. “

“Listen to poison and wine by civil wars,” she said with a smile and walked off with that.

As soon as I reach home I find the song and I am caught off guard with the lyrics,

“You only know what I want to

I know everything you don’t want me to” the song plays;

And somehow it gives me an uneasy feeling. Was she trying to mock at me with these lyrics? Of course the characters didn’t match totally with my life but somehow it did. Only if I knew how long this was going to go….

*****

This is the day I was waiting since I was paired with Julie, I am no more her pair and I no more have to sit with her, but today I want to sit with her, but I can’t. The lecture goes by but I cannot concentrate, my mind is on that girl who wrote beautiful poems full of hope but wrote a very sad, mysterious story yesterday. I want to ask her how she managed to understand all of it, were my poems that obvious? Soon the lecture gets over and everyone starts moving out I run towards Julie and call her.

“Hey Nehar!” She is obviously shocked to see me calling her but I had to ask her.

“I just thought if I could talk to you for a minute?”

“Of course, there’s a café nearby, lets walk in there?”

“Okay.” As far as I am getting my answers I am okay with that. We walk silently to the café none of us speaking. As soon as we order she starts talking.

“Yes, I got to know all about that from your poems and no, your poems are not that obvious. It’s just a catchy eye and a voracious reader who understood; and before you say, yes I know all that you write is not your story always but only some of it is.”

I am caught off guard by her whole speech I mean yes, those were the exact words I wanted to hear but how did she know?

“Uh oh yes, but why did you write the story about it and made me read it?, to rub it all on my face?” I ask her getting angry.

“Of course not, you saw how dark the plot was but could you not see the small hope that kept on coming in?, I wanted to make you realize that it is not always the bad things or always the good things but the mixture of it.” She said honesty dripping off her face but I couldn’t believe her, why would she do that for me?”

“Lies. Why would you do that for me? And maybe my poems were easy to understand but you will never know the amount of pain created, your story just has the points that can relate to what happened to me but the pain it caused me? No you can never write that.”

“You know what? You feel that you are alone against the whole world whereas it is other way around. It is your own self against you.” She had the audacity to tell me that.

“Just stop, stop it, you know nothing about me, so just go away.” I shouted on the top of my voice grabbing a few eye balls to us. Julie was taken aback but didn’t move.

“No, I am not leaving you…alone” she said and walked away, her words meaning a lot more.

Julie:

I knew he had gone through a bad phase, but it never helped me to stay away from him; it had the exact opposite effect, it made me feel more curious. I wanted to be with him, not because I wanted to fix him or anything but to stand by with him when he fixed himself. I didn’t know anything about him, his family or his friends; all I knew was that he never got love he deserved; from any of them and that was the reason he was like this, no one can blame him for what he had become; but somehow they did, by calling him a jerk, arrogant and what not. I am kind of attracted to him. Only if I knew….

Nehar:                                                                      

Great! Now I am stuck with that girl for one more month? What is this? Universe playing a joke on me? Because all I went through wasn’t enough? There is a literature fest in a city nearby where my professor wants me to go with Julie. Julie… I ignored her all the time after the incident in café. I didn’t like her knowing much about me, I didn’t like anyone knowing anything about me. But now the fest is giving me no options but to stay with her. She on the other hand has no problem. Why does she still not hate me is beyond my understanding because all I had done to her is hurt her and have been rude to her. Somehow we complete the fest and it is the last day with my rudeness and she still being sweet, I don’t know why she; like others have not left me yet? Only if I knew I was going to get the answers today…. As we both reach our city and are to drift apart… she says my name and says something I never expected to hear from anyone…

“I like you, Nehar” she said blushing a little. What is with this girl always catching me off-guard? I didn’t know what to say.

“What? Why? You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough about you, these three months were amazing with you”

“You know nothing about me, and what was amazing? My rudeness?” I laugh hysterically not believing the girl in front of me.

“Well maybe I don’t, but what I know is enough for me to like you” she said with embarrassment.

Not knowing what to do any further I walked away. Leaving the beautiful girl clueless. I hate to admit it but if we would have met her before in other circumstances I would have fallen for her. This fest had been awesome with her, she almost broke the cage that is hiding the little hope in me with her sweet innocent words but I didn’t let her break it because words are nothing to me, they always deceive. People always deceived.

Julie:

“I always told you to stay away from that arrogant monster. I knew he will hurt you since the both of you were paired together for that write and share task.” My bestie said while I was crying, on phone. I cannot believe he left me just like that without answering. I don’t know why I started liking him, I just did despite of all the rudeness I did like him.

“I don’t mind loving a monster if he loves me as much as he loves the dark,” I said defending myself.

“That is the problem with you Jules, you are all poetic, him loving you as much as the dark? A monster may love you with all that he has but that does not change the fact that he is a monster. He has already taken a lot of your energy and time; I cannot see you doing this anymore. Promise me you will not shed anymore tears on him. I don’t even understand the reason you are doing it right now at the first place, he doesn’t even look the way you wanted your guy to be, and there are so many better out there, I know you like him but think about yourself the things wrong in your life; figure them out first; he is not going to come help you out or least stand by you because he unlike you is a self-centered bastard.” She scolded me, it wasn’t her fault she always had been too secured about me; but I didn’t like the way she was judging me, the way she was judging him… Only if she knew… I hang up the phone assuring her that I am okay, and before I know I write something,

Feelings are those strong foolish emotions that hold different meaning to different people, the magnetic pull felt cannot be comprehended in words. I never understood the way love overpowers common sense and passion overtakes logics and no one knows how you feel, no one can judge you for being weak or stupid. No one can put you down for the way you feel. Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage not weakness or stupidity. Maybe it’s not always about fixing what is broken but starting over and creating something better. It’s not always her caressing his hair and telling that everything is going to be all right, it’s her being on his side while the storm passes by him and facing it with the same determination and the same frightening thoughts of insecurity. People around her may not understand why she does those things, why she fights for something that causes pain, but they do not even understand the invisible ring of insanity when you are in love, they don’t know how good it feels to be the sunshine in someone’s grey cloudy life, they will never know how this pain brings the best out of you, makes you know how much capable you are of loving someone, how much brave you can be; so their opinion hardly matters. People don’t always need advice. Sometimes all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them.

That’s what I was trying to do, understand him. But he seems to have thoughts of his own…

Nehar:

There’s no way in denying that I like her, she is nothing but kind, true and beautiful. But somehow I cannot believe her, after my parents being too selfish to make their own life beautiful and leaving me alone after their divorce, and my friends not understanding me and taking my love; my girlfriend, away and that so called girl who said she will always be there for me; leaving me with my best friend makes me feel that I am not worthy of love. Maybe I am not worth of anybody’s love because all those who said they did love me left…. It is not that the words matter but actions. And Julie’s actions were always kind and pure without any of her selfish motives and so it made me doubt, if I really did deserve it.

 Can a world so overtaken by darkness ever find light? It’s hard not to fall in love with someone if they understand the darkest and dirtiest corners of your mind and when they message you at 2 a.m. if you are okay because they know you aren’t asleep but fighting with the demons inside you all by yourself. I want to be with her hold her hand while she stands by me when I makeup all the damaged caused, but I am afraid, I am afraid if she comes too close and see the screwed up things I have within, the black pool of misery that lie within me; and leaves me I won’t be the same. It’s the pain that will never go away then, because Julie is bringing that hope again, but once she leaves me and I know the pain will be permanent. Pain is not kind; it is greedy. It wants the pound of flesh from your body and soul one by one. It doesn’t settle until you are empty and have nothing to offer. The burn of betrayal and the sting of rejection hurts but nothing compares to the pain of being empty; to feel nothing not even the pain anymore.

There’s this hope in me that Julie is it. She is the last shot that has been left to be played, maybe the best one…. Do you know how it feels to have someone who loves you even after causing them so much hurt? To have someone to be with you despite them knowing how big of a monster you are and knowing all the screwed up shit you deal with? It’s something beyond words. I don’t know why she loves me despite of all this, but if she does I am not letting her go. I lived my life for myself but it’s shifted, it is much more than waking up, working and sleeping; she gave me everything I never knew I needed.

Julie:

Not all battles leave people with physical scars. Some are emotional, I know he has a lot to take in but it has been freaking 6 months of ignorance. I never knew I was on a battle until today, I feel like a broken solider who failed to ignite the faith in his king. It was then when I realized how these 6 months went by. How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away? I am exhausted maybe more than that, I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily, i want to stay and make the difference i can; even if it's minor. But I am exhausted; more than i myself know; I don't want to give up' i want him to stop me. I started singing the song by Jason Mraz  "I won’t give up on us" and somehow I ended up talking to my best friend about it and she obviously was infuriated. I knew it was the wrong thing to do since the day we talked on phone but I couldn’t help it. I needed someone to let it out, I cannot behave like him, act as if I don’t care whereas inside it kills me; I don’t know how he does that.

Nehar:

Julie’s friend comes to me with frowns on her face and leaves me bewildered.

“Protect her, fight for her, love her, hold her, but don’t make her fall; if you don’t plan to catch her. Do you even know there are boys better than you out there who want to be at your place? Who asks her how her day is going just in case she spills something important going on in her life; anything, any one of those hundred things she wants to tell you but you being the selfish bastard just think about yourself. She already has a lot to take in, she has her own problems to deal with; and you are not doing any help there. Give my friend a break. Please.” "And you know what? she will walk away eventually; not because she wants to but because you will let her." She says and walks away.

I don’t want her to go, i just don’t want to. I am angry; beyond angry, I don’t know on whom; myself for creating such a mess or her friend rubbing it all on my face. I follow her friend to tell her something to hurt her; to reduce the guilt built in by her, but then I saw Julie with her and what I hear makes me know that she is it. She is my shot to happiness; and i won't let her go. Today I am not going to give the demon inside me the satisfaction he needs; it needs to lose this time.

“Why did you go there and tell him all those things in first place? When someone makes you suffer it is because they are suffering internally with their own thoughts, of course that doesn’t  mean I will stand here taking all the blows of him but I need to understand that he doesn’t need to be sad over his actions but helped while he suffers with himself internally,” She said with an innocent look.

Julie:

 Nehar suddenly comes while I am talking and hugs me, and his words are something never expected but obviously wished for.

“I like you too, Julie. I always have. Since the day I saw you and the poems you wrote; all of them made me jealous, it made me question my own self for being so negative but you came along and somehow broke that cage which didn’t let the hope come out within me. I have been holding on my own for so long; I can’t imagine how it would feel to be carried; but with you on my side I know it will be happiness and love nothing less than that. “

EPILOGUE

It has been a year of love, hope and happiness craving their way to my heart once again. After my confession, we went to a stream that I love, there I left all my fears; I told Julie everything about my past. Every single sin I made while I was being hurt.

“I don’t want to hide parts of myself because, I am afraid; you will leave. You must know that there was, and most likely always will be; certain darkness inside of me. I am not asking you to stay, I am just asking you to trust that my past is exactly that part which your kind heart doesn’t deserve. But will always have a small effect; for a few scars fade away but their memories don’t. I just want you to trust me to know that I am no longer the same person, I found the light I always wished for.”

For once I thought she is going to be scared and run away, but she knew how to put her words into actions.

“Remember what I told you at the café before? I meant that.” She smiled and all my fears disappeared.

‘I am not leaving you… alone” she had told and she proved it. She STAYED. I am grateful she did. Inner peace lies where the power of love is greater than the love for power. And I found the peace I was fighting for all this time.

Faith is not always about the belief in god, but having faith in people around you and your own self. Faith that brings hope and love both in your life again.

Author's note:

I don't know if they end up together forever, I don't know if she saved him or he helped her discover herself; all that I know is that one can salvage themselves by saving someone else too.