The First Goodbye

The world outside reeled in slow motion, gaining pace away from him, only to merge in incomprehensible greens and browns. Anand’s eyes struggled to keep up, oscillating in rapid saccades, trying to take it all in, and failing.

 Just like his mind, trying to piece together the rapidly emerging memories, yearning for that one perfect picture…a reason to not do this; to not end this meaningless existence.

But there was none. At least none that he could find today. They say it’s a moment of weakness; if handled with care, it could pass. How would he know? It didn’t feel like it could pass on to something better, and of course! No one cared.

Weak or otherwise, the decision was made. Call it unlucky, he managed to get hold of a booking. To end it where it all started…Anand could only see good luck on the path to salvation, to merge into nothingness, feel no pain. What’s unfortunate in that?

“Ah what good fortune! We managed to catch it in spite of all the last minute rush.”

A comment from behind startled Anand. He turned around to find a young lad, bearing a vermillion tilak and a garland around his neck, flocked by what could be his entire colony.

“Now go on you all. The stop here is just two minutes!” he declared shoving the crowd outside.

Taking a moment to tune back to the world around him, Anand realized they were already leaving the second station Mahesana.

As the wheels dragged them away from waving hands and excited chatter, Anand was left alone with the subject of all the chaos.

“Sorry about that! It’s the first time I am leaving home to study and they all...well!”

A mix of conscious and confident smile finished the rest.

“I am Rohit by the way.” The boy insisted on friendly chatter. Anand could only nod.

Rohit who? From where? Where to? Nothing mattered.

 I am Anand; and soon will be ‘was’.

That’s all there is to it.

Sensing the somber air, the boy indulged in mundane tasks of checking the bedding and arranging his luggage. The other occupants had not arrived.

Maybe no one will. Better. No need for formal talks. All should end as quietly as possible.

“Yes?” An authoritative call was followed by an enquiry, “Number 4?”

Anand found it soothing; being tagged by a number, rather than a name that held all the baggage. Inside a train coach we all become 4/6; upper/ side upper…names don’t matter!

“When are the others coming?” Rohit enquired the TTE as Anand showed his ID.

“Side seat occupants are adjusting their friends in the next coach, and 2 and 1 will board from the next station...”

“Palanpur!”

Two voices finished the thought in unison. Rohit smiled in bemusement, while Anand felt the aftershock of finally uttering a word; breaking the silence of three days…almost for 70 hours now, he hadn’t spoken.

 Not since his son left. Not since his last fight with his wife. Not since he had had enough with words.

Anand’s erratically speeding mind halted at the childhood memory…the fond times of enjoying train rides, guessing train names from numbers or vice versa; listing the sequence of stations at the tip of the tongue.

 The love of a train journey that he carried on to his adult years; dissolving all his worries in that meditative rhythm of wheels churning; the ecstasy of being so dependent on this iron structure for the given span of time, but still feeling so powerful with its speed and its accessibility…all those images flooded his head like shimmering confetti released from a coveted gift box.

“It was our favourite game!“

Realizing it wasn’t the voice of his thoughts, Anand finally gave the boy in front of him his attention.

“Pardon?” Anand inquired politely.

“Naming the sequence of stations for all Rajdhani trains - that was one of our favourite train games. Me and my brother would spend hours discussing it. Also arranging them in chronology. Like Howrah Rajdhani was the first one. And the Madgaon Rajdhani Express was the latest one in...” Rohit paused his enthusiasm to recollect.

“2015.” Anand finished with calm confidence. As an afterthought he added. “But the latest one is Agartala-Anand Vihar Terminal Rajdhani Express launched in 2017.”

“Oh! Good to know.” Rohit acknowledged sincerely and continued.

“So you travel with Swarna Jayanti often?”  

Rohit inquired pointing the very train they were in.

A simple question; but Anand felt someone just dragged him on the ground from cloud nine. For a moment there, he had felt himself transpired into another world, where existence was blissful; because existing meant learning new things, experiencing wonder and sharing common passions. Back to reality was like a jaw clenching his throat and questioning his every breath.

“Yes.”

 Anand excused himself after uttering the single word that held years of treasures….

Countless to and fro travels building his business; hours of sleepless pondering he relished, painting the picture of his future on the dynamic canvas of possibilities peeping in through the window bars; the wonder of love when he met his wife of 19 years on this very route…

All those moments…pleasant; like the gust of cool wind that caresses our whole, carrying the gift of sprinkling rain drops from the land we pass, riding at the speed of the journey…kissing us goodbye with a promise to meet again.

Anand splashed a handful of water on his face as he stood in the coach bathroom.

About an hour ago he was numb, numbed by pain, so much so that he couldn’t even think of joy.

Now, he was confused.

He stared hard into the mirror…disheveled hair, face bearing the neglect he felt for existence, and eyes…two pools of endless sorrow.

Who am I fooling? Memories are the yellowed pages of past, they only crumble when turned too hard. Today has nothing in it, it won’t be worth a recollection; neither would be the tomorrows.

Forcing himself to revert to his melancholy, Anand exited the wash room, made sure no staff or passenger was around, and then headed for the entrance door of the speeding train. One swift motion, one step and all would be ok. No feelings to haunt...no false promises of joy; no hurt from the ones we called our own; no pain of breathing with a dead heart…nothing!

With these words echoing in his head, Anand struggled to open the heavy gate. Just as it was about to budge, Rohit appeared with an air of urgency. Anand tried to compose himself quickly, though not without taking support from the side wall.

“Your phone was ringing nonstop from last fifteen minutes. Since the network could be lost easily, I thought you should attend it. It may be urgent!”

Anand found it hard to decipher the words, his body still shivering with the adrenaline rush.

He just nodded as he took back his cell.

“Are you ok?”

Rohit had finally registered that something was amiss about Anand.

With another affirmative nod Anand headed back. Rohit followed quietly.

The air thereafter felt heavy…too heavy with silence. Words were needed to swallow it.

Anand felt obliged to start.

“So you are headed for college?”

Rohit flicked to his jovial self as he answered “Yes! I have been selected in NIT, Delhi. I start college from day after. I will be a frequent traveler on this route from now on. Like you, right?”

Anand was about to answer when the rest of the passengers started filling in along with the pantry staff.

“Excuse me please! Yes, dinner? Number 4 veg or non-veg?”

Anand was far from hungry, but train meals were another of the cherished experiences he didn’t want to forego. This need was a gentle surprise, since he hadn’t had a decent meal in days.

After all the shuffling was settled Anand acknowledged the unanswered query.

“I was 21 years old, when I first boarded Swarna Jayanti. It was launched 20 years back; the same time I had started my business for railway spare parts, along with three other partners. We handled different fronts and travelling was always my preference.”

“You always travelled to Delhi?”

“I had tours all over India. All these years I have measured the country from north to south, east to west, several times. Even when planes had started becoming a rage, I would still try to save time, just so that I could afford the lengthy journeys. These travels helped me unwind; the train, my silent friend, letting me pour out my deepest thoughts by snuggling me in its lap, giving me the time away from connectivity, away from fast pacing life, into the depths of unknown; letting me be lost with trust and be rediscovered. They were some of the happiest times of my life! “

“Sounds amazing! You are a lucky person. I love the train rides too. Nothing beats the comfort and the companionship. Spending hours on topics ranging from religion and politics to cricket and movies…all with strangers! People whom we have never met before, and may never meet again; but parting is always with a smile. Every time I board a train my childhood recollections surface themselves and make the whole experience a whole lot richer.”

Anand observed Rohit’s bubbling innocence and mused - ‘Wait till you have the childhood shades off your eyes. The companions are not always that welcoming. But let him experience that himself.’

The sweet aroma of soup filled the compartment as the staff began distribution.

The evening progressed and Anand felt himself craving the comfort of food, of human companionship, of sharing stories, a few laughs.

He tried to feel sad; reminding himself why he was here - to depart the world from his favourite place; associating it with his dismissal, like bodies wrapped in their favorite attires before the last rites.

But he couldn’t.

Like the hands of a friend bidding goodbye at the station, this urge was slipping from his fingers as the train speeded ahead; and without further struggles, he let it go. Even if it meant letting go of his only ticket for thoughtless oblivion…he had to, let it go. Because his body and mind were too drained, and his heart had again opened up to myriad of human emotions.

And one of them was fear, the fear of the gigantic nature of his decision. The goriness of it all, finally showing the black underneath all the crimson dreams of freedom.

“When you reminisce all those years, you must feel so proud of yourself!”

Anand heard Rohit remark, a bit dazed.

“Experiences of present, were actions in the past – all in the pursuit of a final goal. But if the end result is not what it should be, what’s the value of a trunk full of them?” Anand retorted a bit sarcastically.

Rohit looked surprised by this reaction. He paused with a pensive look on his face and replied.

“I believe in the saying, ’the journey matters more than the destination’. Life is not the platform, meant for waiting; it’s this train, always moving. And no matter how far the final station had been, it will always come around. It has to!”

Anand stared at the young man; in such simple words deciphering the code, that he had failed to.

As an after effect his phone started screeching. The unattended calls and messages stared back at him.

He absently received it to hear a desperate voice on the other end, giving him the first ray of hope in days.

Anand listened to each word with new found devotion. In the end he concluded.

“I will board the next train, the train that comes around.”

Ending the call, he smiled at Rohit, who was watching the exchange with concern.

“We have a lot to talk about son; trains, life and all in between… But for now let’s enjoy the Rajdhani dinner!”