The Lifesaver Screensaver

यूँ तो ए ज़िन्दगी तेरे सफर से शिकायते बहुत थी, मगर दर्द जब दर्ज कराने पहुँचे तो कतारे बहुत थी! ~ Gulzar

I came back from the chilling outdoors to my cubicle and sat down with a rather emphatic thud. The project deadline was absurd, and no amount of playing table tennis or PlayStation had been of any help in putting my mind off it.

I put my throbbing head down for a while, as the thoughts of my indefinitely delayed appraisal, recurrent unresolved glitches in the current code and livid clients engulfed me. I raised my head and saw my parents smile back at me from the 5x7 photo frame I had kept them in. It looked like a different world out there, a happy, peaceful place, my city.

I had come to the United States six years ago, in what had been a dream come true for a small-town girl from Ranchi with humble beginnings. Being a school topper, I studied Engineering from IIT- Kanpur and then went on to do my MBA from IIM-Bangalore. I was the girl the entire extended family was told to be like. My father is a clerk in a PSB and mother, a homemaker, this was a feat worth revelling in. For my elder sister, studies had always been a necessary evil and she had completed her XIIth standard with great hue and cry. Consequently, she was soon married off into a business family, and within two years they moved to Dubai for better prospects and lifestyle. That left my parents alone in a sprawling house and a chauffeur-driven i10, which their younger daughter had bought.

Little had I known then that I will have to wait for a whole year to see my parents. The same streets, the same food, the same people gradually started making life mundane and less gratifying than it had been. I grew out of the seclusion and independence that was once prized. Every year I went home, it seemed like an age had gone by, and I was actually an outsider to so many things. The sheen of life in the US was withering away....

As I was retracing the graph of my life, a chat window popped up on my screen. And my WhatsApp call started to buzz simultaneously. It was my Boss on the screen and mum on the phone. She must be going to sleep and wanting to talk about the boy who had expressed interest on Shaadi.com day before yesterday. Inadvertently, I replied to my Boss about the status of the project and silenced my phone.

It is this life that I always wanted, and so did my parents for me. I was born when they were expecting a boy, and they raised me like one. As a child, I was given to academic brilliance and all I ever thought of was marks. My sister has two school going kids and a doting husband, as per Facebook and Instagram, and has the most relaxed and easy-going life on the planet. I, on the other hand, skip dinner every other day, because I am too tired to cook when I return from work.

Marriage has been on the cards ever since I turned thirty. Owing to pressure from different parts of the family, my parents finally made an account on Shaadi.com. They knew this was coming, but the thought of letting me go was unnerving. The response has been interesting so far, and has taught me that to be good marriage material, the girl - must not be earning more than the guy, must not be living alone in a different country, and must not be above thirty.

Given the above, I am still single and probably might stay one. My parents have their own criteria which are nowhere close to mine. They obviously look for the same caste and small families. I, on the other hand, have my own requirements in place, since all I need in my partner is companionship and the right kind of mindset; and guys with greed and chauvinism written all over their faces make me want to give up.

The work initially gave me so much kick and adrenaline rush that it looked like I would never need anything else in life. The appreciation, monetary affluence, and societal adulation, everything seemed so fulfilling, that loneliness was never a concern.

After three years of living this fast life in a single apartment, I moved in with an Afghan girl who had just come to the US for a better living. She used to video call her family all the time and used to tell me stories from her colourful childhood. She said life was all about relationships and she had seen what it takes to stay away from people you love. She wanted to call her family to the US once she was settled. 

I feel like I am losing my days to nights, and sleeping my nights away so that I do not have to think about where my life is going. I cannot go back because my parents cannot afford their lifestyles on their own anymore. I get panic attacks thinking about where my life is going and whether I will ever discover the true joy of living a satisfying beautiful life where every moment is cherished and nurtured. 

*****

Her head was spinning up and down, and she felt as if she was choking. Last night's sleep hadn't been great, neither had the backache she had been dealing with, been any better. She looked at her phone. "Pangong Tso lake" was staring back at her as if mocking the inertia of her life and the stagnancy it brought. Suddenly, there was a spark somewhere within. The next moment she knew what she had to do.

They say all it takes to change your life is one moment. This was that moment. 

She dashed out of the 18th floor and called her best friend from the tube.

"Why are you crying? Boss yelled again?" 

"Just hear me out." She continued sobbing, "All my life I have been a nerd with nothing more to life than books. All through school I lost sleep over grades, trying to be number one, while all others went tripping to mountains and chilled out with their boyfriends. All through college, I lost sleep over my placement, trying to land a plush job, while all others went pubbing and smoked their lives away. I knew no one personally from the opposite sex until I was hired by this company and my boss was a male. And since then I have been losing sleep over every other assignment that is thrown on me. And yet you never told me that the life I am living is a sham. That I am an idiot to have lost so much and continue to do so. Why did you never tell me that I need to breathe?"

She vented it out and disconnected the call. She was sitting all alone on a bench and the empty station platform was echoing with her howls. In a minute, her phone rang. It was her best friend, she knew it would be her.

"Congratulations! I knew this day would come. So, what next?"

She smiled and wiped her tears. "I am coming back, I am going to Leh."

"Fancy! That's like some serious adventure goals for a book worm like you. Get it kicking."

"I am resigning and wrapping up from here," she said seriously.

"Are you sure? What are you going to do then?"

"I don't know. Not this life anymore."

Her friend thought for a while. "I think I have something for you here. Papa is going to start a school in Mukteshwar, an hour from Nainital. Teach kids?"

There is never a wrong time to do the right thing. It is all about taking that leap of faith. If you have the guts to make a difference and respond to your calling, the life of your dreams can become a reality.

Sadly, we lose too many days conforming to norms and a lot that holds us down. In order to fly, you need to be light and drop all the baggage.

Remember, this life is beautiful, and you just have one shot at it!