The Price of Ego

Vishal looked at all the pictures intently for one last time on his laptop. Then he deleted the entire folder of memories in one swift motion. An empty feeling washed over him as he leaned back with his eyes closed while his dog Floppy licked his loosely hanging fingers trying to reassure him. But soon, an unknown sense of panic engulfed him as he sat up quickly. He opened the recycle bin and restored the deleted folder immediately. Floppy sensed the change and promptly got up on Vishal’s lap and gave him what seemed like a warm hug.

Vishal has been trying to delete Kriya’s memories from his life for the last two months. But every time it was the same routine; a brave deletion followed by a meek restore. Kriya was Vishal’s now estranged wife and at the moment Kriya and Vishal lived separately in the same city. They had too many common friends to be able to avoid each other completely. And they both still had a shred of hope in an unknown corner of the heart which prevented both from relocating to another city.

After making himself a cup of coffee, Vishal came back to his desk and decided to stalk Kriya’s online profile for a while as Floppy obediently curled up beside him. His wife’s public statuses were still visible to him but they never reflected the loneliness or cry for help that Vishal was looking for.

Pretty pictures and witty quotes were splashed all over Kriya’s profile. She was clearly feeling happier to be single. The same spark that had attracted him to Kriya three years ago was back. 

Vishal leaned on Floppy and let a few tears drop from his eyes. Then he resolutely decided to fix an appointment with Kunal on the next day.

Kunal was a therapist Vishal had begun to consult after Kriya left him in shambles. Kunal was a middle-aged man, friendly and confident. His experienced counsel and Floppy’s unconditional affection were the only things that stopped Vishal from sinking into clinical depression. Kunal was able to see him for a session on the very next day.

“So, how are you feeling today?” Kunal asked as Vishal clumsily dropped himself onto the leather couch.

“It’s getting worse,” Vishal’s voice was low.

“Talk to me Vishal…don’t keep it within,” Kunal urged.

“You know what…I’ve decided to change the plan. I know I told you I wanted to forget her….but I don’t. I want Kriya back.”

“Hmmm…any reason for the change?”

“Do you know what I saw recently? I saw Kriya talking with Sumit. Sumit and I were really close friends. And then Kriya picked me over him…that’s when Sumit and I had drifted apart. I had thought that Sumit would have the courtesy to stand by me now.”

Vishal was talking too fast and tiny droplets of sweat were appearing on his forehead even in the air-conditioned room.

Kunal said nothing but looked straight into Vishal’s eyes. His right hand gently tapped a pencil stub on the desk making a soft and regular rhythm.

“And I had hoped that Kriya would ignore him out of respect for our love…our…our marriage…” Vishal’s voice trembled now.

“Look Vishal. You clearly are not over her. And you don’t really want to be over her. There’s only one way to sort this out.” Kunal paused his pencil.

Vishal looked up with hope.

“You two have to talk! You are being too adamant about this. There is nothing to lose by being the one to initiate things.”

Vishal looked away, crushed.

The session went on for an hour. It was a futile hour that failed to offer any peace to Vishal. He went home feeling disoriented and sad. At night, he once more browsed through the old pictures of himself and Kriya as he forced a tasteless meal down his throat. He lay down on the big bed as Floppy joined him and snuggled closer. Feeling sleepy, Vishal decided to look at Kriya’s profile again. Apparently, she was listening to 'Aaoge jab tum' on Saavn. Vishal smiled spontaneously after a long time. It was the song that he had sung for her on their first date. The sign he was looking for was there…shared publicly for Vishal to stumble upon. He fell asleep without much difficulty that night.

The next few days were not so kind. His sessions with Kunal were not leading anywhere as he kept harping on the same point. And the flicker of hope that he had gotten that night did not really mature into anything real. He decided to meet Kunal again but he promised himself that it would be the very last session.

“Hi Kunal, how are you?” Vishal started as he entered the colourful chamber.

“I’m fine…you seem to be doing better too,” Kunal said.

“Well, not really. I just came over to tell you that I can’t continue with the sessions anymore. I want this to be the last session,” Vishal felt a tad guilty. “Please, don’t take it personally. I hope we can part on a good note.”

“Of course! Why would I be offended?” Kunal’s smile seemed to be genuine and there was no shock on his face.

“Since it’s our last session, can I ask you a few questions about yourself?” Vishal asked in a hesitant voice.

Kunal nodded in assent.

“Are you married, Kunal?”

“Yes,” Kunal seemed amused by the first question.

“Happily married?”

“Yes, happily married.”

“Love marriage? Do you still love your wife? She loves you?”

“Yes, yes and yes,” Kunal was smiling now. “We got married when we were in our twenties. And it has been a wonderful journey so far.”

“Oh come on…there are no perfect marriages.”

“That’s a myth! I am in a perfectly happy marriage.” Kunal’s eyes shone with a rare kind of contentment.

Vishal was wondering for a while if it was real or fake. “Please, tell me your secret then. You can do this much for me…we’re almost friends now.” Vishal sounded childish and desperate suddenly.

“I’d have told you even without you asking me if you were capable of applying my formula. You are not. There has to be another formula for you. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find it for you.”

“Just tell me yours. I’ll copy it.” Vishal was insistent.

“Ok…but I’m pretty sure that you won’t be able to use it. In fact, you know the formula on some levels already.”

“Oh please…I don’t know...educate me.”

“Hmmm. You have a pet dog…right?”

“Yes, Floppy. He’s my only family now.”

“You love him a lot…take good care of him. Would you say that you would do anything for him? Anything to see Floppy happy?”

“Yes of course. And I know that Floppy would do the same for me. His love for me is so unconditional and pure.” Vishal got defensive and a bit annoyed.

“And yet you never figured out the secret formula! Tsk…tsk…” Kunal looked down and shook his head.

“What do you mean?” Vishal was confused.

“In my home, I’m my wife’s Floppy. When my wife comes home I greet her in a jumpy and excited fashion. I tell her all the time how I need her and give her surprise hugs and licks…erm…kisses. Whenever she is in a dilemma, I behave like Floppy would have…I sit by her holding her hand with my mouth shut.”

“What? You have no self-respect. So you are not really happy…you are just a henpecked husband!”

“What self-respect? Don’t you treat Floppy as a family member?”

“Yes.”

“Didn’t you say that you’d do anything to make Floppy happy?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t Floppy the most important person in your life right now?”

“Yes…but…”

“There is no “but” here. My wife loves me dearly and she is the one who takes care of me and our home. In fact, she is the one who works harder to make the marriage work. Me…I have it easier. I just have to be like Floppy and enjoy being pampered.”

“What about your wishes…your decisions?”

“When Floppy wishes to go out for a walk…do you take him out or not?”

“I always do.”

“Then?”

Vishal kept quiet for ten long minutes and then he said in an almost inaudible voice, “But you were right. I’d need another formula. I can’t be Floppy…or you.”

“Look Vishal. You can call me after one more week. I’ll try to think of something…but there’s no guarantee.”

Throughout the week Vishal messaged Kunal asking if he had zeroed down on something but there was no reply. After exactly seven days, Kunal sent a text to Vishal asking him to come over. The next day they worked on a plan together. It was decided that Vishal would pay the full fee only if the plan fixed his marriage and else he would only pay half for Kunal’s time and effort.

That day, while driving back Vishal felt nervous and excited at the same time. Would it work? Would it not? A thousand idle fantasies were running through his mind when suddenly a cyclist appeared in front of his car. Vishal swerved quickly and managed to avoid the cyclist. But his car went off the road and rammed into a wooden lamp post. Vishal head bumped forward and then his body fell on the side. The car door opened and half of Vishal’s body started to hang outside the car. Through the corner of his eyes, Vishal saw some people rushing towards him before he closed his eyes.

That day was just a normal and boring day at work for Kriya. She was trying to laugh at her manager’s lame jokes at a team meeting when the news reached her. “Vishal has met an accident…he is at a private nursing home.” That was all she got to know. For a long moment, Kriya could not react or speak out any word. She just looked numbly at her manager and co-workers.

“We’ll manage without you Kriya…obviously. Rush to your husband. And take someone with you. You don’t seem strong enough,” Kriya’s manager was supportive.

When Kriya reached the small nursing home, she found Vishal asleep and heavily medicated. A doctor assured her that there was just a small wound on his head and that he seemed alright on the first inspection. However, they would need to conduct extensive tests to rule out haemorrhage and other risks.

A young nurse summoned Kriya inside Vishal’s room and gave her a chair to sit on. Vishal’s broad frame looked weak and his handsome face looked very pale. Kriya found herself wishing badly for everything to go right…for one more chance to live with the man in front of her as she gazed at him. She waited for hours to see him wake up and when he did, it was a very precious feeling for both.

As they stared at each other, tears rolled down their cheeks.

“I’m so glad you came, Kriya,” Vishal finally said.

“I’m happy that you’re safe…I was so scared,” Kriya cried as Vishal held her hands.

It turned out from the tests that Vishal was completely okay. He was released later in the evening. As they drove back together, both of them felt a deep sense of gratitude.
Kriya helped Vishal eat his dinner as Floppy watched them wagging his tail. This was the least jealous that Floppy had ever been about Kriya.

“Listen, I’ll have to leave now…but please, call me whenever you need.” Kriya got up before it was too late.

“Won’t you stay back?” Vishal’s eyes were sad.

Kriya took a deep breath and said, “Let’s give it some more time…I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

And after that night Kriya truly came every day to check on Vishal. Every day, both of them looked forward to the days that were fast turning into dates and every day there was something new that they longed to share with each other. Vishal’s health was restored quickly and the pallor from his appearance was fast giving way to a ruddy glow.
They were both madly in love again but they were just too scared to admit it.

One evening Kriya and Vishal were enjoying coffee and chicken pakoras at the food court of a fancy mall. The conversation was easy and their moods were light and cheerful. Vishal casually picked out a round piece of lemon from the salad and started to poke out the pulp with a fork.

“Oh Vishal…you’re as messy as ever,” Kriya lovingly admonished him and proceeded to fetch a tissue paper from the counter.

When she got back, Vishal was down on his knees holding up a hollow greenish lemon ring. “My dear Kriya…will you be my wife again?” Vishal said.

Kriya looked around and her cheeks turned red. And then her face broke into a burst of joyful laughter. “Yes, Vishal..yes…I would.”

It was the happiest that they had been in the past year. They decided to spend the rest of the night in moving Kriya’s stuff back to their original home. The next day would be the first day of their renewed marriage. That night they joked and laughed and kissed as they happily undertook the arduous task of shifting homes.

In the morning Vishal woke up early and saw Kriya sleeping peacefully on her side of the bed. He wrote a small note for her and placed it on the bedside table in an old fashioned way along with a flower. He needed to see Kunal as soon as possible and he figured that he could be back within an hour or two.

Kunal was jogging in the park when Vishal called him and the doctor asked him to meet there.

“I came to say thank you,” Vishal was all smiles as he wrote out a hefty amount on a leaf of his checkbook as they sat down on a park bench.

“I’m happy for you two. Make it work this time.” Kunal said.

“I was saving up for a vacation in the Maldives with Kriya..but it’s okay to wait for a bit longer,” Vishal said as he handed over the cheque to Kunal.

“It seems to be a huge amount but staging a false accident requires a lot of work Vishal. It was an interesting plan to work on but it was neither easy nor cheap!” Kunal gracefully explained as he accepted the money.

“It’s okay Kunal. I can make money again. Without your plan, I could have never won back Kriya. She seems very grateful that she got me back alive from the jaws of death.”

“Stay cautious though, you can say that the scar has disappeared fast, you are supposed to feel a bit sore on the forehead area for a few more days,” Kunal winked as he waved him goodbye.

Vishal came back home with a huge bunch of flowers. The mock accident had made Kriya realise that she still wanted him...and he got the opportunity to tell Kriya how much she still meant to him. There was no guilt on Vishal’s mind. However, as he entered his home he could hear Kriya speaking to someone in a low voice on the phone.

“This is probably the last time that we are speaking…I'll never forget you.”

Vishal got to hear these words as Kriya hung up.

She swung around to see Vishal standing stone still. For a moment she was shocked and a look of guilt came over her face.

“Who was that?” he sternly asked.

“No one…it’s not what you are thinking…” Kriya started.

“I’m not thinking anything...I’m just asking. Who was that?”

Kriya looked away…still silent.

“Look Kriya…let’s not complicate things. Tell me the truth…I have the right to know. Did you date someone while we were separated?”

“Noooo….it’s not like that. Please, trust me…please.”

Vishal calmed down a bit.

“Okay…but was that a male or a female?”

“I was talking to a man but I swear I have not been romancing him.”

“Then tell me who he is…this won’t work Kriya if you behave unreasonably. There’s no point in getting back together if you can’t be transparent…were you talking to Sumit?”

“No! Alright…I’ll tell you but you can’t judge me. He was my counsellor. ”

Vishal’s face was still blank.

“I felt very alone and unhappy after our break up and needed to see a counsellor to fight depression. I just called him to say that I’ve transferred his fee through net banking.”

Kriya came closer and helped Vishal to sit down on the edge of the bed. She sat on the floor in front of him and looked at his face with pleading eyes. “That’s not all, Vishal,” said Kriya. “When you did not make any attempt to get back together, I staged a false accident with my counsellor’s help. I knew that you were too sensitive about physical injuries and it would be easy to convince you that you were in mortal danger. It gave me the opening to come and see you. I’m sorry but the accident was not real…you weren’t hurt actually. You probably passed out due to fear.”

Vishal avoided Kriya’s eyes and stared hard at the floor.

“Please, forgive me…I love you so much. You can talk to my counsellor when he is back from the Maldives. He is leaving today with his wife but he can clarify things if you don’t trust me. He is a nice person…his name is… ”

“Kunal…his name is Kunal,” Vishal picked up from mid-sentence. It was Kriya’s turn to be surprised. “And he is enjoying what was supposed to be our vacation. He was my counsellor too.”

They sat face to face; silent for long.

“Well, we still have many more holidays to look forward to,” Vishal finally said as he held out the flowers he had bought earlier. “And many opportunities to prove to my wife that I’d never pass out due to fear!”

Kriya giggled in agreement as she accepted the bunch.