The Swag Kings Return

Inspired by Andaz Apna Apna, here in this story Amar and Prem reunite for a road trip, after twenty-one years to reclaim their sanity and have fun. Little do they know that Crime Master Gogo is out of the jail and looking for revenge. Enjoy what happens next!

Twenty-one years, it’s been bloody twenty-one years, thought A. He was fed up with everything, the kids, the mundane job, the once sweet but now nagging wife. His carefree days of nothingness were sacrificed the very day he fell in love. The last time he had fun was with P and the entire fiasco that followed after meeting him, when they both had set out on a quest of marrying the daughter of a rich businessman.

‘Kya hua?’ Kari screamed from the kitchen, breaking his chain of thoughts, ‘What happened? Why are you still here? When the hell will you go to the market? Didn’t I tell you I need the damn sooji, now, like NOW’.

A sighed, even his Sundays were dreadful, Biscuit and Cookie, his twin boys, were a menace, destroying everything in their path, eating up everything, their demand for the day was Mummy’s special halwa poori, and he, A-the-sufferer, had to go to the market to get the darn sooji, so his destroyer twins could enjoy their Sunday breakfast. Finally, he understood his poor father’s woes while he was having fun at his expense; this is probably what karma is all about!

‘I haven’t had my tea yet,’ he mumbled. ‘Have been waiting for half an hour for it.’ Kari always the sharp listener caught on his mumbling and screamed again, ‘Get the sooji or else you won’t get any tea at all, hai hai, mera bacchas want something, and you can’t even do it without a grumble, I curse the day I fell for your stupid charms, hai hai….’

A didn’t wait around to listen any further, off to the market he went, in search of the coveted sooji. He unmindfully straddled his scooter and kicked it twice out of habit to get it started, though it had already started in the first attempt. He hated the scooter, but there was no point in getting the car out just to get something as insignificant as sooji.

As he was paying for the sooji he heard a familiar voice call out his name, he turned around to spot P in his flashy Renault Duster, waving frantically at him from the backseat. Raavi, his wife, didn’t let him drive; she was too scared that her beloved husband would have an accident or run away or something, or whatever.

Every time A saw P, an age old grudge surfaced that P married the rich businessman’s daughter they both wanted to marry and he had to settle with the accountant’s daughter instead, all in a comedy of errors, but they had been best friends ever since. Suppressing his thoughts, he grinned broadly, ‘Arrey wah! Kya baat hai, Bhai, you look dashing! Bhabiji is really taking good care of you”.

‘Uff, don’t remind me of that woman, or her father, baap-beti duo has turned my life into hell,’ P sighed. ‘I have no peace at all, she is always at my neck, I don’t even have access to my own bank account, I have to work for her dad, live in their house, agrrhhh, I don’t want to even go into the details. Sometimes I wish I had married someone else! Chal let’s have some tea at Ramubhai’s dukaan, I need to rant longer to get my mind cooled off.’

A and P settled in their usual table and ordered chai and samosas. The two friends chatted away about their woes, wives and life in general, neither noticing a shady figure hiding behind an upside down Hindi daily peering into them.

******

A hurried off home in super excitement, the thought of what he and P had planned out etched a smile on his face, finally he was about to have some fun. He entered the house only to find a furious Kari standing with her hands on her hips.

‘Do you even realise what time it is? Sooji kahan hai? Don’t tell me you have forgotten.’

‘Darling,’ A cooed, you know who I bumped into this morning…

‘SOOJI,’ Kari screamed now, ‘bhul gaye, forgotten, have you?’

‘Arrey listen na, I bumped into P and we had a great chat, we are planning to go….’

Kari cut him short, ‘I don’t give a damn what the pair of you are planning, where’s the sooji, you useless man. My bechare Cookie and Biscuit are waiting kab se.’

A lost his cool finally, ‘Here, here’s your sooji,’ he poured it on the floor and kept jumping up and down on it, screaming ‘ye lo, ye lo, aur banao halwa, I also don’t give a damn about your halwa poori.’

‘Arrey have you gone mad or what!’ a positively shocked Kari asked.

A whilst jumping up and down kept saying, ‘haan haan, I have gone mad, I have gone crazy in this life, I hate this damn sooji, I hate it.’

Kari had piped down by now, ‘Okay baba okay, leave the sooji and calm down now.’

Oblivious to her pleading A jumped up and down crushing and stamping the sooji on the floor. Finally when he was satisfied at his footwork, he stormed out of the house again with his car keys and wallet, ignoring Kari’s pleading, ‘Where are you going now? At least have your tea before you go, suno na jaanu….’

*****

After A had cooled down, he contemplated going back home, but the thought of facing Kari now seemed scary, he had absolutely overdone it, he was even kind of sorry too. So he called up P instead.

‘Dude, you know about the plan we made,’ A just started to speak but P was hysterical on the other end, ‘Do you know what she did this time? She has checked my phone contacts and texted every woman on the list demanding to know who they are, even my Bulbul Mausi! She is such a psycho, man…’

A let him go on for a while and then popped the idea into P’s mind. ‘Dude let’s get the hell out of this madness for a while, like we planned this morning. Just five days away from the mayhem, chal get ready, am coming to get you.’

******

Finally, after much ado at P’s place which involved getting his wife, Raavi, to agree (which took full two hours of coaxing), promising to return as soon as five days ended, packing a suitcase full of needful and a lot of hugs and kisses between Raavi and P, they were on their way. The day was almost over; the afternoon sun was now turning into an evening one lazily. Soon they pull up at a roadside dhaba to take a break, not realising three hot pink scootys have been following them since they started. Three suspicious looking men dressed in black clothes were struggling to keep up with the Maruti Alto A was driving and as soon as they parked, the three scootys pulled up randomly around the car blocking their way. The slim slimy figure of a man slithered his way towards them in the most awkward manner, he had skinny black jeans on teamed up with a black t-shirt. A piece of cloth folded in his hand which looked like an ill made cape.

‘Remember me boys?’ He said with a wide grin, and a flash of evil.

A blurted out, ‘Haila, Crime Master Go…’  

‘Shhhhh,’ the figure snapped.

‘Shut up, don’t shout out my name you fool,’ said CMG, ‘Am in disguise.’

‘Par costume tou wohi hai! The same one!’ P exclaimed.

CMG retorted, ‘Stupid! Am not wearing my cape can’t you see! Get out of the car NOW!’

‘Whatever!’ A shrugged, ‘What do you want now? Our scores were settled back then, why have you come back?’

CMG smiled sinisterly, ‘Nothing ever settles baby, everything that finishes, gives birth to a new beginning, and of course one thing remains unfinished.’

‘What?’ both A and P chime in.

‘My revenge,’ CMG added sinisterly.

By this time, A and P’s mouth had popped open, the air of swag vanishing fast A managed, ‘R..r…revenge?’

‘Yes for handing me over to the police, ruining the best years of my youth.’

‘Youth? But you were already middle aged then,’ P tried pointing out, his timing never right.

‘Shut up, shut up, shuuuuuut up, or else am going to blow your brains out right here, right now,’ CMG warned, brandishing a gun, which looked like it could be easily showcased in the museum of arms and ammunition.

‘Ui-maa,’ P exclaimed.

Now A shouted at P, ‘Dekha, we were driving fine, you only had to do susu urgently in this Godforsaken dhaba. If we didn’t stop here we wouldn’t have been caught.’

‘Arrey, you dragged me out of my house the minute Raavi said yes, I didn’t even get a chance to relieve myself….’

‘Chuuuup! Shut your mouth you two,’ CMG said and then called out, ‘Boys’ and the two men came forward, their faces mirrored the same intention CMG had.

‘Smart boy,’ said one.

‘Aj galti se koi mistake nahi hoyega,’ said the other.

They recognised the shady men immediately and looked at each other not knowing what was to come next, suddenly P’s phone began to ring, it flashed RAAVI, CMG snatched it away from his hand.

‘Honey, kahan tak pouche, did you miss me? Don’t forget to take your gas ka medicine. I miss you so much, come back soon, so sorry for…..’

‘Arre, shut up, shut up ... Why the hell everyone speaks so much these days,’ CMG snapped.

‘Listen woman, your husband has been kidnapped. Arrange for 1 crore and I’ll let him and his useless friend go or else you know what happens, you have seen enough Bollywood films.’

‘Aap bhi na, A bhaiyya, don’t you think I recognise your voice, stop joking, give the phone to my hubby na….’

 ‘Am not your A bhaiyya, I am CMG, don’t you remember woman?’

‘He he he, you are too much, thik hai, I get the point, I’ll let you guys enjoy, I can tell this is your weird way of letting me know that it is just “the boys road trip”. No wifey time … he he he,’ and with her laughter the call disconnected.

A shocked CMG hands back the phone to P, ‘What kind of women is that?’

‘A crazy one,’ P muttered sadly.

‘Let’s call his father-in-law then, he has oodles of money,’ Bhalla butted in.

‘Good idea,’ CMG snatched the phone back and dialled the number, Mr. Bajaj answered, ‘Kya hai nalayak, why are you calling me?’

‘Listen,’ CMG hissed, ‘I have got your son-in-law and his friend A, give me 1 crore or else I’ll kill them.’

‘Great!! Kill them and hide the body well, am not giving a dime for those two idiots.’ And he disconnected the call.

‘Haain!’ CMG stared at the phone is disbelief, ‘Is everybody mental in your family?’

Bhalla said, ‘Plan wise we should kill them, no boss?’

CMG seemed pensive, ‘Maar ke kya karenge, more legal problems, accha check their pockets, dekho kya hai, see if they have anything of value. Aayen hain tou kuch le kar hi jayenge, I come from a royal family of thieves you know,’ he added with a hint of pride.

Robert sniggered, ‘Kya boss, don’t you know from the background research we did, one is broke and another has money but no access to it … he he he.’

‘Shut up, shut up,’ CMG shouted obviously miffed about the turn of events, his mind was racing trying to work out new plans. The three goons huddled to discuss their next step.

Seeing them occupied, A and P slowly started retreating into the shadows of the trees around, when Robert shouted, ‘Arrey arrey pakdo pakdo, they are trying to run away.’

A and P had already jumped into their car, P was brandishing the keys of their Pink scooty in his hand with the hugest grin imaginable ... As they were running after the car, P threw the keys into a pool of muck next to the road, and the trio jumped into it to retrieve them. A’s Alto had knocked over one of the scootys and taken up speed by then and vanished fast into the horizon.

CMG and the boys mounted their scooty’s and followed them down the road, into the twilight.

What happened next? I don’t really know, but for the fact, it is not the end, for nothing ever really ends, ever, everything is ‘to be continued…..’