The Unresolved Affair

The rain splashed against his face. Eshan walked briskly, his face turned towards the rain, his hands buried deep inside the jeans pockets. The wet purple and blue checked Louis Vuitton shirt clung to his body outlining perfect abs. Heads turned, eyes devoured him with lust and envy. Gone was the flab that swayed like bells hanging in the temple while he walked around college. Hours of hard work while he hid amongst the pristine mountains of Guruji’s ashram had chiselled his body to perfection sculpting out a broad chest with well-formed abs and a narrow waist tapering off to deliciously proportionate hips and long muscular legs. Totally ignorant of the stares, he reached the famous Parsi confectioner, Shaikh Brothers, where he had ordered the reunion cake. The old owner greeted him with a hug as Eshan slipped in. It seemed that he had been waiting for him eagerly. ‘Oh Eshan! So good to see you dikra. Where had you disappeared to? Where have your flabs disappeared? Jamshed Shaikh wheezed trying to get a pinchful of Eshan’s non-existent tummy fat.
Eshan could no longer hide behind the grim facade he had enshrouded himself with and laughed out loudly; a rich baritone that rumbled like a waterfall gushing down over a steep mountain ravine. Ah, it felt so good to laugh like this. Not even the mountains could do what Jamshed Uncle just did.
“Oh! Jamshed Uncle you don’t know what you have done. I never felt this good for so long.” He engulfed the old baker in a bear hug. Sudden tears springing into his cataract-ridden eyes, the old man smiled. This Eshan used to steal two cupcakes from him since the time he was a teeny weeny lad till he grew up into a heavy hormone-ridden young man. One cake for himself and the other for his friend Nathan. Childless Jamshed Shaikh feigned to become indignant and hurl the choicest Parsi abuses, running around the kids with his black pointed umbrella. College brought about more friends for Eshan. Shaikh Brothers remained the gang’s haunt and the bakery resounded with the boisterous cacophony of loud music, laughter, and endless chatter. Jamshed Uncle never felt the absence of a family. These kids were his family.
And suddenly it all ended one day. Eshan disappeared and the gang vaporised. Only Nathan kept coming, “to check upon you old man and nothing else,” he would say. But Jamshed knew he came in the hope of hearing some news about Eshan; knowing this was the first place he would come to if he ever returned. Though Jamshed did not know what transpired in the gang that made Eshan disappear, he knew that it had something to do with that steadfast friendship. Yesterday, when Jamshed Shaikh came to the bakery at closing time and saw the order for the cake from Eshan, he was shocked and delighted. His dikra was back. He could not wait to see him. And now he was here. His dikra transformed from bellies and fat into a chiselled Greek God. Pushing Eshan away from him, at arm's length, Jamshed crooned “Hain dikra, let me take a look! What have you done to look this handsome? Where are your chubby cheeks?” Eshan too looked over his beloved uncle. His midriff sported a scooty tire. With a wistfulness, Eshan noted that the man had lost his ruddy red cheeks and his undereye looked dark. “First you tell me! Where is my Jamshed Uncle, you imposter?” Eshan cried in mock indignation and continued in a more serious tone, “Are you unwell? You have become so frail and look so tired.”
“Eh! Ja be dikra! Nothing of the sort. I’m getting old. This is how I am supposed to look.” Jamshed Uncle tried to laugh heartily, but his breath caught in his throat and it came out as a wheezing cough. Immediately Eshan signalled the counter boy for a glass of water. He rubbed Jamshed Uncle’s back and settled him in a chair as the boy brought the glass of water. Jamshed sipped the glass of water slowly and wiped his tears.
“You are ill and hiding it, right?” Eshan asked worriedly. Jamshed uncle scoffed, “Gone all these years and now coming back and behaving like an old wife.” Eshan drew a sharp breath. He knew this would come up, but first he had other things to sort out before he could tell his story to Jamshed Uncle. Meeting Jamshed Uncle did him a world of good. It released the negative energy that had started building up within him since he decided to face his unresolved past. Eshan had always been driven with concern for the well-being of others. So much so that it lent him an almost feminine aura. Until that unforgettable day. Eshan pushed that thought away and concentrated on Jamshed Uncle. He looked emaciated. All evidence of portliness gone except for the tire around his belly. A bald pate shone in place of soft brown curls styled in the Elvis Presley way. The sprite in his step was gone and he had to balance himself with the stick. Giving him an intense look, Eshan asserted strongly, “I’m taking you the doctor tomorrow and I’ll not take no for an answer.”
“Okay dikra, have you ever taken a no for an answer from me? But never able to make the world say yes to you?” Jamshed Uncle laughed, rather wheezed.
“This is the first time I have seen Jamshed Uncle laugh so heartily, you know,” a voice filled with astonishment, interrupted from the counter.
Eshan looked at him in surprise.
“Really?” he asked incredulously. He turned to Jamshed Uncle, questioningly.
“Yes! Now that you mention it, the bakery has lost its spirit. Where is your jukebox, Uncle? Where are the Presley songs?”
“You are so out of it, dikra. Young people don’t listen to Presley now, not even Bryan Adams. They go for those noise productions like Eminem, JayZ...Yikes! I can’t even bear their names”. Jamshed uncle grimaced in distaste. Eshan guffawed. Even then, when the gang used to come here, Jamshed uncle never allowed Bryan Adams or Bruce Springsteen or their genre to enter his bakery. His jukebox used to belt out Presley, Lennon & Dylan. Still the gang loved to hang out at the sprightly little bakery with Jamshed uncle dishing out delicious delectables from pastries to buns to ‘biscots’ with the best coffee in the whole of Mumbai. And then to top it all, there were those heavenly pies; going by the name of pattice it was a creamy chicken filling wrapped in a flaky crust. “The recipe handed down through seven generations and heavily guarded,” claimed Jamshed uncle.
Reminded of those pattice, Eshan’s mouth watered. He turned towards the counter, but there were none.
“Oh! The pattice are already gone?” Eshan asked, sadly.
“We don’t make those pattice anymore.” Jamshed uncle announced shortly.
Eshan was shocked. “What!” he stopped himself from asking, as the answer dawned on him suddenly. Tears, suddenly sprang up and threatened to spill out but he held them back choking with the effort. He had to restrain himself. At least till his rendezvous with Nathan.
He got up abruptly. “I’m leaving, Jamshed uncle, but I’ll come by tomorrow morning to take you to my doctor. You just be ready,” Eshan declared and started to leave.
At the entrance door, he hesitated and came back towards the stooping old man and said quietly “I’m meeting with Nathan and the gang today, Uncle. I don’t know what’ll happen, but this time I promise I won't leave without telling you.” The old man looked at Nathan steadily and smiled, “I know you won’t, dikra.” The heaviness in his chest subsided as Eshan hugged the old man who had always been more than a father to him. Smiling and leaving the old man smiling, Eshan left with his cake. He felt much lighter now than he had been feeling an hour earlier. I hope all goes well tonight, he prayed silently.
Around six that evening when the doorbell rang, Eshan was busy getting the things ready for the evening’s party. Wandering who had turned up so early, he grumpily went to the door. It was Nathan. “I’m here to help you,” he said, with a smile. “How much can you possibly do all by yourself.” Holding forward a single rose that had a long slender stalk, he bowed dramatically.
Eshan knew that the emphatic “all by yourself” was intentional and it bothered him.
“So?” he cocked his eyebrows crookedly.
Oh! So he still does that? Eshan thought irritatingly.
“So what?” Eshan took the rose and went inside, placing it next to the cake on the coffee table.
“Is this going to be a monologue session or are you going to contribute too?” closing the door with his shoulder, Nathan followed inside. A tantalising smell hung in the dimly lit room as Kenny G played the saxophone through Alexa who sat on a glistening black display unit alongside a movie screen sized LCD and other knick-knacks.
“Fweet! Fweet!” Nathan whistled in admiration. “You seem to have develop an aesthetic sense from wherever you’ve been to.” He looked around the one bed-roomed apartment as Eshan busied himself with the finishing touches to the preparations.
“Well! you are too late to help me with anything,” he spoke up answering Nathan’s offer of help. “But you can help yourself to a drink.” Eshan handed the steel ice bucket to Nathan and pointed to the bar separating the kitchen and the living room. The bedroom was further along the long corridor, just beyond the kitchen. A washroom right at the end of the corridor completed the 1,200 sq ft, stylishly done apartment.
Opening a beer can, Nathan came over to the kitchen, peering at the rotating tray inside the microwave and nonchalantly observed, “A one-bedroom apartment with no feminine undertones.”
“Yes! So what!” Eshan immediately bristled. This was not going the way he wanted.
“Oh! Why did Nathan have to be the first to arrive? Where were the others,” he wondered.
“The others will come late.” Eshan had completely forgotten about this mind-reading attribute of Nathan. Nathan's announcement surprised him, but his heart skipped a beat. Was he glad to have Nathan alone? Immediately his mind flew off to the mountains and he shrugged off the thought immediately.
“Come late! But why?” He feigned indignance as he rubbed his hands in a paper towel and came to the bar making himself a Cosmopolitan.
“Well, your taste in drinks also seems to have been upgraded,” Nathan drawled, sarcasm dripping with every word.
“And to answer your question about the gang,” he continued, “you and I have some unfinished business to deal with, which I thought should be best conducted alone. So I managed to stall the gang till 10. I thought that would give us the ample time we need.”
Nathan had silently come up behind Eshan and slowly slipped his arms around Eshan’s waist. A shock of electricity passed through Eshan's spine rooting him to the spot and stiffening him into a statue. He opened his mouth but no words came out.
“Should we talk here or go to the bedroom?” Nathan was saying.
Nathan's touch took him back to the mountains, where he always sought refuge whenever his mind was clouded with confusion. And at this moment he was very confused. The cold touch of the winds which used to transport him to Mumbai and which used to make him long for Nathan's long, slender fingers on his skin, now brought him back to reality. He prised open Nathan's encircling arms and picking up the drink casually walked to the easy chair in the corner beside the window that looked out onto the busy Marine Drive below. Nathan stood silent for a moment, then walked over to the sofa opposite Eshan and lounged in it, languidly stretching his legs. Eshan glanced at him surreptitiously. Nathan was rakishly handsome. Jet black, unkempt hair glistened under the corner floor lamp, aquiline nose hung precariously over full arched lips and a dimpled chin. Nathan had always been lean, not overly muscled. Eshan was glad that his heart did not skip a beat or contract as it used to do when they had outgrown their childish friendship and stepped into their teens.
“Over the years I have realised I was wrong and I am sorry for the hurt I caused you, Nathan.” Eshan murmured softly, breaking the silence.
“10 years! And now you realize you were wrong?” Nathan’s voice dripped venom.
“No. I realised the low I had stooped to that very day. But I was ashamed and couldn’t face you…”
“And so you ran away.” Nathan completed the sentence and continued, “You, who saved me from my abusive father’s belt. You, who stood up against the bullies and gave me my first cake. You couldn’t face me? You know I would have given you my soul if you had asked for it.”
“I never regretted anything more in my life Nathan. But you never knew what I went through as we grew into adolescence. You had started sprouting hair like the Amazon while I remained as smooth as a glacier in the Antarctic.”
Nathan laughed out loud. It emerged like a roar. Eshan smiled.
“And then I brought you to my place. I saw you almost naked every day. Your body made my hormones go ballistic. And I felt ashamed for being attracted to you. I was ashamed of myself when I realised I was a gay. I tried to hide it from you. But it made me moody. I started resenting Maya who took away all your attention. And then the night of your birthday, I had planned a midnight surprise for you. I wanted us to celebrate alone that night. A golden, butter-icing, rum-flavoured cake from Uncle Jamshed just like you liked it. Red roses like the ones you always gave Maya. Champagne. Candles. The works. And then I waited. But you never came. You were with Maya. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I would have proclaimed my ‘love’ for you…” Eshan trailed off the words hanging in the air thickly.
Nathan remained silent. He knew there was more to come. After a few moments of silence, Eshan continued, “The gang came to wish you birthday the next morning. They were as surprised as you to see the decor and they stated sniggering, ridiculing me silently. But Maya giggled outrightly. "So, we are entangled in a gay love triangle it seems, Nathan. Isn’t that funny?" she had said. And the gang laughed. At me. And you stood there silently. It broke me Nathan. But I held on to my faith in you. And that faith made me bold to shout out my love for you.” Eshan stopped, spent. His mind went back to that morning in his house.
“Yes! I love Nathan. And this is my love for him.” He had spread out his arms proudly towards the decorations. “I did it all alone. For him. And what did you do, Maya? You just milk him. His birthday and he took you out for a treat. What have you ever done for him? Love is not just physical. It is from my heart that I love him.” He had spat at Maya. Maya had stormed out hurling abuses at him, accusing him of jealousy. And Nathan. Nathan had stood there looking at Eshan incredulously. The gang left after Maya. Nathan still hadn’t moved. A glimmer of hope gripped Eshan and he went to Nathan and held his clenched fist.
“I love you, Nathan. Truly, deeply. Let Maya go. You’ll understand that her love was superficial.” Eshan implored. But Nathan just threw him an inscrutable look, removed his hands from Eshan’s grip gently and stumbled out of the house.
After Nathan left, Eshan was filled with shame. He had lost his only friend. And now his love seemed superficial. He waited for a couple of hours. And then he decided to leave. He had been wanting to go to Isha Foundation in Coimbatore for a very long time. A friend in Bangalore could make the necessary arrangements. And so he left. Without saying bye.
“And now you have realised you were wrong?” Nathan broke the heavy silence. “What if I say I love you back, now?”
Eshan smiled. The mountain air had cleared his doubts. Guruji had introduced Eshan to himself. He had come to accept that he was gay. He had done it that day he proclaimed his love for Nathan. But now he recognised Nathan was not like him. He should have understood that, known it. What he felt was an obsession, not love. Nathan was the one person in his closest proximity, not only physically, but emotionally. It was natural to grow a deep attachment to him. Eshan thought he had given a new lease of life to the impoverished Nathan, so he became Eshan's property. The detachment in the Ashram and in the mountain ridges made him see things in a clearer perspective. And then he had met Ashwin and realised true love.
So he smiled at Nathan and answered simply, “It would mean you had sold your soul for me. To repay me. But Nathan, friendship is not about repayment. It’s not only about giving and receiving. Friendship means a sense of belonging without any material attachment. And that’s the sort of friendship we share. And I’ll never change it for anything in the world.”
They both rose and hugged each other. And laughed. And hugged some more. There was nothing physical about it. Sometime later the gang came. Maya was also there. Eshan came to know that Nathan had broken up with Maya that same day. He felt guilty and apologized to both. By the time the night was over, Nathan had once again fallen for Maya and it was as if they had travelled back in time to that sultry summer day and the intervening years had never happened.