When I Paint You

I will paint you with colors
As raw as wild flowers
And I will tell you things like
'I miss you.
And what comes between us is not distance
Or vacant conversation
But time.'

If you ever let colors disintegrate into
All sorts of potential powders
Imagine for a second that you are synaesthetic
And the powders aren't a mish-mash of potentials
But each a distinct feeling washing over you
And for once,
Please don't escape heartbreak.
Let it sink in.

Let the potentials of the future
Fueled by the dwindling possibilities of the past fill up that crater
At the center of your heart.

No, feel the crater first
That is the deadening, semi-silence
That each heartbeat trips over.
Let that crater spread through all of you
Although if the diagnosis reads 'heartbreak',
You won't even have to
Before you try each color.

Try the sex, the brown, the chocolate, the red, the clothes, the blue, the weight-gain, the green,
The weight-loss, the mauve, the tears, the black, the cigarette, the grey, the music, the goddamn rainbow
Spectrum, neon, RBG, primary, secondary,  disco damn light
Try every color pulled apart and fed to yourself
Try hunger, try thirst, try travel.
Try rebound.
Try each color until you know
That if I left you in a room
Raw with the smell of all wild flowers
You will feel like
Déjà Vu.
Colorless, colorful déjà vu.

Lick pain, in all its lemony-yellow, like
An ice cream flavor that seems too
Spunky to try.
Let it dissolve on your tongue
And numb it, momentarily.
Then try a little more, before you know
You can taste all of it
And finish a whole damn scoop of it.
Graduate to a tub.
Pass the pain test with flying colors.

And then, for once, dampen your hair
Like it was a paint brush
And wring it tightly.
Watch as each one of those potential powder colors drains out
In the colorlessness of water.
No one will see it like you do
No one will see that you emptied out
the goddamn rainbow
Spectrum, neon, RBG, primary, secondary,  disco damn light.

Feel a different emptiness,
Like emptying out a crater.
And carefully, pries the crater shut.
And breathe, just so that
This time, when you hear your heartbeat,
It isn't tripping. 

Kiss yourself a matte-red lipstick imprint.
And make yourself a wish list using
Wax crayons.
Make a list of every heartbreak in
Past
Present
Future
Potential
And repeat process.