Bled recently?

Got a Scratchy feeling?

Oh! The Burn?

Ouch! The Crotch?

Check, whether you’re clean-shaven down there. Don’t want jungles, I’m sure. Those irritating jungles come in between a lot… Urgh! You know what I mean? I can think of your peril, if “it” didn’t go well last night. By the way, did he ask you, “How was “it” last night?” See! There’s a trick! Even If you didn’t like it, you can’t show “it” on the face. “It” can always be better next time.

Do you think, this is a broad topic on “Kalmasutra”? (Don’t worry! I wouldn’t dare to).

Is this a serious lecture on a woman’s ovulation cycle? No.

Am I helping you plan your pregnancy? Never.

Think, I’m giving you tips for “it” after you’ve got a divorce. Dah!

But this has got a lot to do with the overall cycle of your body, ladies! It’s your “Vagina”. Ladies! Your “Vagina”.

Shy or Embarrassed? But why? It has to ring a bell somewhere. I mean, why would even need an alarm clock. See! If you have a heart which is pumping, you have a “Vagina” which is doing you a lot of good.

Let me guess! You don’t know your vagina properly. Really? OMG! Do you want someone to whisper that the importance of your vagina into ears. Who will take the responsibility. You mom has already told you a lot about it since childhood. Now, she’s aged and tired. Do you want that special someone to do this favour to you?

C’mmon Ladies! High time! Know your vagina on your own. Realise it’s value now, before it’s too late. It shapes you, defines you and no doubt, it’s a part of “creation”.

Say “I love you” to your vagina every single day of your life.

But how?

Wash. Clean. Lubricate. Don’t “finger” unnecessarily (You’ll end up hurting that area). And practice “it” every day.

Works? I’m sure it does.

Wink!

Now let’s go deeper.    

“Jessica… You’re 38 and still a virgin?”

Paul met Jessica through a dating app. Paul used to be a professional hacker, while Jessica a teacher of Biology in School. (What a contrast, No?).

After the initial “Hi-s”, “Hellos” and a few days of “Getting to know each other” session, Paul was exactly on point.

“You know, I feel attracted to you?”

“Why so?”

“May be because you’ve kept yourself well”

Jessica was about to say something, he interrupted her.

“What’s your size?”

“What do you mean”

“Don’t you know what I mean?”

She shook her head 

“Your size up there and down… May be?”

“Please stop”

“Why? What’s wrong? I’m only praising you.”

“Ummm…No. Wait”

“What? Not comfortable?”

“Ummm… I mean”

“Not going inside your bedroom now. C’mmon. Take it easy”

Jessica stumped shut him, “Dude! You’re talking to a 38-year-old”

“Wow! That’s great!”

“What’s great?”

“You’re age and I. I mean, you know men have “this thing” for older women”

“Paul!

“Yes Ma’am. What make it perfect is you look damn hot”

“Will you keep your fucking mouth shut, now”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I mean. When was last time did you “fuck up”?

“What? Why do you want to know”

“Cause, you know I’m a hacker and want to hack you up and down there”  

“Hold it. I go and inform the… “

“Police… Hahaha…What will you tell them…?

“ What’s so funny?”

“No… What will you complain about? That a young and not-so-bad-looking hacker wants to “Hack you” left right and “center”? Go ahead!” 

There was a pause

Paul started again with a smile. He wanted to know “Scared?”

“No”

“Sure?”

“Oh! Absolutely”

“Can I ask you personal question?”

“God! You’re taking permission, after getting so personal”

“Did you mind?”

“Forget it! Go on”

“No. I felt curious. Are you married?”

“What if I am? And what if I am not?”

“Mmmm… See. Incase you’re married, you almost practice “it” regularly…”

“Hang on. How did you know?”

“No. I mean. Isn’t that supposed to be the norm? Just like “Morning shows the day”, a small change down there is the prove of the feel-good-factor after doing “it”.

After a small pause, Jessica asked with a lot of curiosity, “What will change?”

“The size”

“Urgh… Will you..”

“ Stop? Why? But you wanted to know…”

“So what if I…”

“Wait! Why did you want to know? Miss. Biology”

“Didn’t go to that part of the syllabus”

“hahaha… Syllabus? Hahaha. Say didn’t go to that part of the syllabi of your life”

“No. That’s not true”

“Not True? You’re not married neither gave “it” a try?

“Didn’t want to”

“I pity your “Vagina”. It needs love and care”.

“What do you mean?”

“Your “Vagina” is 38 years old Ma’am and still a Virgin”

Jessica was furious, “Stop it”

Paul sounded a little humble now, he said, “Jessy, I know age and you’re still not there… Darlo!”

“Where do you want me to be?”

“Mmmm…shall I? 

“Do you need any permission? Say”

“In my arms. My bed. Spending days and nights together. Bodies touching each other. Just a few breaths apart” 

There was a small silence again, but continued, “May be measuring your “Keys” if you still haven’t done “it” yet”.

“Urgh… Look. I don’t want to do “it”.

“But, you’re dying to”.

“Never”

“But don’t die without doing “it””

“A aaa…”

 “May not be with me. Don’t forget to measure your “Keys” with someone else. Keep a constant check down there”

“ I know the rest”

“What?” 

“Nothing”

“Say”

“Get a good fuck. Check on your cycle. And keep your vagina Healthy. Healthy Vagina, healthy you.”

“Wow! Our Biology Ma’am is all set…”   

“For?”

“It”

“hahaha”  

85-year-old Vagina happens to be lonely… Want to give “it” a try again? 

The 85 – year – old, Bithika Ghosh, did “it” eons ago. Of course, she used to be the eldest daughter of the family. Belonged to a conservative and traditional Bengali household. She left it to her father to choose “the one” for her “it – ty” days. I mean, she wanted her freedom fighter father to choose her life-partner for her.

Those days were surely not like ours. That too in Indian families. Especially in cases of arranged marriages. If your “Mr. Right” was your parents’ choice, you just couldn’t part ways with him till your last breath. She dared not come out of the marriage even if she didn’t like “it” with him. Not liking “it” couldn’t be an excuse for a “Partition” in marriage, those days.

I’m not saying it, just for the heck of saying “it”. Planning a separation was neither easy those days, nor would it benefit her. Her parents would send her back. Back to him and the in-laws. That’s how strict parents used to be earlier, planning their daughters’ “It”. Sorry, I mean marriages.

(Even in cases of “it”, (I mean) in love marriages. Earlier, parents got away by saying, “You chose him”. What would parents do, if she’s unhappy “It-tying”).  

Having kids – one or two – meant a “Striker!”. That meant, Girl! You did “it”! (Congratulations!)

Considering the 85-year-old Bithika Ghosh and her lonely vagina. What went wrong?

Let me start from the beginning. If she’s 85 now, she must have got married during her early 20s or late 20s. (Ladies! Those days, that used to be the norm. Women got married early and took their own time to plan “it”. Future was their focus).

“It” wasn’t different for Madam Ghosh either. Good-Looking husband. Started with small drives and long. (Of course, a few test drives were needed to plan “it” long… Longer. Wink!) May be in India or abroad. Who knows? Who cares, when there was romance, music, drapes falling, and a lot to ask “what’s cooking these days?”. Or to ask, “You’re glowing! Seems “feeling good” huh”. Or, “How ‘bout “it”? Good or not or what?”. She was tall, might have been a little conscious about her dark skin, but that (“it”) never came in between. She smoothly gave birth to two kids.

Wow! Active ovaries! Super-active Vagina! Her Vagina pushed out the daughter - Mumpy -first. They say giving birth to daughters first, brings good luck to families. No doubt, good luck flowed. Good fuck flowed too (In Mrs. Ghosh’s life). It was a constant four years of a well-planned “it”. Her vagina got yet another chance to take the pain-straining effort and her son – Rana – was born

After a few years, the family underwent a mishap. Mr. Ghosh passed away in an accident. A huge loss, in their life.  Mrs. Ghosh lost her lifelong companionship and the children lost their father. But her commitment towards this marriage knew no bounds. She remained Mrs. Ghosh as promised to her father and as a responsible mother of two. She had a lot to do and her mind was thought-clouded. Mothering the two was a humongous thought indeed. To an extent, that she never had time to think about planning “it” with someone else.

To put “it” in a better way, she never had time to re-marry, or romantically give a chance to someone else. She never took advantage of good-looks either.  No date days or nights. It was her and her two children (Sweet family).

Boring! Was it for her? Or is “it” getting monotonous for her now?

She’s finally got a fair chance. After her pacemaker implantation, she shifted to Bangalore, to her son. She met a handsome Bangalorean out there. South Indian, though. His name was Mr. Nathan. Without letting her son know she used meet him every evening. They went around the city together. They were sometimes at MG Road, sometimes at Brigade Road, and sometimes went to Food Courts around the city. Either walking hand-in-hand or going for long drives sitting in the front seat of his car. Romance was oozing out! She got hold of book of translation, to get hang of the language. At this age she somehow wanted to impress “The Man”.

What an effort! Mindblowing!

Bangalore is known as the City of Gardens. To add to the romance, after a long drive and food they sat in a garden next-to-each other. There was a long a pause between the two.

Then Mr. Nathan started talking, “Do you miss your past, Mrs. Ghosh?”.

Mr. Ramayya Nathan, used to be rich restaurant- owner in Bangalore. His marriage ended on a bad note after 6 years. He was also alone. May be never planned “it” properly to have kids. He saw her in his restaurant, one day. She was with her family – her son, son-in-law and daughter. Usually saree-clad, she wore a nice mirror and floral designed Kurti and lose pants that day. She was looking elegant, traditional and fashionable. She knew how to carry herself. Mr. Nathan just couldn’t take his eyes off her. He was smart. As they were going out of the restaurant, he told her to read “Feedback Form” and sign it. Her feedback was in the favour of the food they served. He was happy. She gave her phone number in feedback form.  Next day, he gave her a call and then started seeing each other.   

Bithika was mum initially. She didn’t know how to give an answer to this question. She looked up in surprise, but said, “My responsibilities don’t let me go off my past”. He came close to her. Took his arms around her. She became emotional for some time. He said here, “Why don’t you give “it” another chance? You have the right to move on. “It’s” already been so many years”.  

Bithika was quiet. After sometime she said, “Never gave this “it” a thought”.

Mr. Nathan went near her, pulled her closer and said, “Can I take you to my house?” She turned red. He started laughing. Said, “Come. Let us make a move. Whitefield is going to take some time from here.” She gave a shy smile back to him and asked him “What’s the plan?”

75-year-old Mr. Nathan was excited. She was sitting right in front, and he was driving a bit faster than before. He said, “I have surprises ready for you”. She wanted to know, “What kind of surprises?” He retorted with a smile, “We’ll seee”.

Once they reached his house, his maid gave her proper greeting. Offered her a glass full of lukewarm water (the typical South Indian tradition) and some fruits. They kept on talking.  A lot was brewing in between them over a cup or two of hot coffee. He felt concerned and responsible. So, in between their conversations, he kept on saying, “Feel-at-home”, “Don’t forget to call your son. Let him know you’re with me”. She was left cajoled. She was now looking at him with an eye of awe. Everything was magical around her. She didn’t want to go back home, but didn’t want to show “it” on her face. 

After a pause, Mr. Nathan gently held her hands and told her not to worry. Bithika was more tuned into his attractively heavy voice, as he said, “The TV is inside the bed room. I will switch on the TV for you, if you want to binge on to a series on Netflix?”

“May be later”, was her gentle reply. 

“After dinner?”, he asked her with a lot of curiosity. “Perfect” was her reply, bending her head slightly

“So, “My Dark Lady” wants to stay back”, (I mean) that’s how loveable was Mr. Nathan’s nature. And “The dark lady” didn’t mind that at all. She was getting the teenage-kind-of-love after ages. She didn’t want to miss an inch of “it”. How could she forget that she was the eldest in the family. She got the most attention and was pampered to the core. (Daughters are the “darlings” of their dads. They are their “princess”, without a doubt.)

She wanted to stay back and that was showing on her face. After dinner was over, she went inside the bed room. By the time, Mr. Nathan entered, she had already freshened up. Changed her clothes and wore a comfy night wear. He was impressed. He said, “Good! You’re fast, eh!” She frowned and said, “I beg your pardon…?” Looking at her reaction, he gave a “gentlemanly” smile at her. He could probably feel her worry, her tension… she was nervous inside. “Make yourself feel comfortable…”, said he. These words gave her goosebumps. But he continued, “I will come back from the bathroom. In the meanwhile, tell me which side of the bed do you want to take? Cause I usually go for the right”. Her voice was a notch higher this time, as Mr. Nathan was inside the bathroom, “Fine. Do the usual. You take the right, while I will be on the left”.

“Fine, Darlo!”, said he, as he came out of the bathroom. His voice had that friendliness, caress, love, pampering… everything that “Bithu” could ask for. Mr. Nathan nicknamed her “Bithu”. Both were lying down on either sides, but she was tossing and turning. Unable to sleep. He quietly moved towards her, and touched her gently. “What happened? Not feeling well?” he wanted to know. “No. I’m fine” was her polite response.

“Why are you so restless?”, he enquired further 

“Nothing much. Change of place may be”, she replied with a shy smile on her face.

He got up to make her turn towards him, gave her forehead-peck and said, “It’s ok. Don’t worry”.

He held her arms gently, and asked her politely, “May I hug you?”. “Bithu didn’t get much time to decide with kindness and love Mr. Nathan had in those words. They were in each other’s arms in no time. While he was slowly raising the tempo, he curious to know, “How had “it” been you said?”

“Ummm… may be over 40 years”, was her whispering tone.

“What are you scared off?”, he was unbuttoning the shirt of her night wear and continued saying, “Don’t worry. Not a sin”. With this, he took off the shirt. Unstrapped her bra. Kissed her all over her body. Gradually went down. Took off her pants and made “it”. They made love. “It” was a good night for both, after several years. The morning looked fresh and glowing.  

Mr. Nathan, was up early. He had the coffee and breakfast ready for both of them. He asked her with loads love, “Do you want to go back? Morning, by the way. I forgot to wish you”

“Maybe I don’t”, was reply. The feeling of loneliness was back in her voice.

“Why don’t you tell your family that we’ve gotten serious and we want to make “it” happen together. “It” will be everlasting love and happiness for us. Your vagina need care after all”, was Mr. Nathan’s polite request.

My readers, Is “it’ tickling down there?

Please, don’t let your vagina feel lonely. Wash. Clean. Keep track of your ovulation cycle. And practice more of “its”.